Morning.

Moi.

Basics.

A Life Worth Living.

Musac.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

5:29 PM

The dark circles are bigger than my freekin eyes!!

More on point, I'm waiting for the bus home from the gym, in transit as usual. So much time is wasted in traveling to and from places, make teleporters already!

There's a guy who looks madddd stonned next to me, too bad I can't smell, then I would know for sure!

Anyway, I have not blogged for several reasons, mostly because I was busy all last week and incredibly sleep deprived from handing in my last 2 essays for uni EVAR + going to prac. Then since having finished, I have been on a rollercoaster of mismatched emotions and drama.

To be honest it wasn't that unexpected, this is a big transition point in my life. Apart from now having graduated from uni and am but a piece of paper away from being registered, I'm also single =.= The breakup has definitely spurred me into 'change my life' mode.

Ever since the breakup I have been preoccupied and feeling restless over what I need to do in order to become the person I want to be. Being on prac was making it difficult to focus and it was just too much to balance. I have always hated the whole idea of 'soul searching' and 'finding yourself' and all of that bullshit but I really do/did need that time off just to sort out logically how I was going to approach my goals.
I still have some sorting out to do, mostly reading for now, hoping to change my mindset. That's probably the hardest part just because it's so intangible.

It's probably pretty clear to anyone who reads this blog, or knows me well that I'm generally pessimistic (I've always preferred to think of it as being realistic but watevs). Im stubborn, I don't give people much of a chance at all before I close my doors to them, I over analyse certain things and I hate admitting it, but I'm really judgmental. I need to change this. I don't know how to change this.
I've always been like this, ever since I was a child. I remember being in kindergarten and then having a massive fight with one of my best friends because she kept trying to convince me that a witch lived in the tree above the kindy block. She wouldn't let go of it, and I thought she was so fucking retarded for believing such bullshit. SO I stopped talking to her because I didn't want to hang around someone as immature as that. That's me...as a 5 year old. O.O

This attitude totally holds me back...I think. I could potentially be meeting awesome people, maybe. I hate that there is no guarantee there.

Perfect example of this behavior was Friday night. We finished our last day of prac and someone on fb decided to make an event for all the students to meet up in Newtown and drink. I already see so many things wrong with that. For one, why and how do I even have uni people on Facebook. I literally would talk to no one when I was there. Towards the last semester there was 3 people I would sit with for bio but I couldn't tell you all their names for the life of me. I'm so wrapped up in my self that there are honestly a few people who I couldn't recognise from their photos compared to in the physical world. So for like 3 weeks I knew about this event and thought it would be terribly awkward, I've spent the last 2-3 years with this lot of people and have never made friends with any of them, had conversations with them or ever seen them outside of class. It seemed kind of futile to go on the last day. What's the point!?

Now I knew that this was the wrong attitude, right? Sometimes I'm not sure... SO I decided to force myself to go (not that I had much choice, my lift was going so unless I was bothered enough to take 2 buses and a train just to avoid people I would have to suck it up and go). So despite being on good terms with my ride, Charles, another uni student, I'm not close enough to him to really be comfortable sticking to him in a social situation. I hate using people as a crutch when I don't wanna talk to people. I do it heaps and I don't mind with certain people, most of my closest friends and boyfriends have been way more outgoing than me so when I'm not bothered interacting with people I can just hang off their coat tails. So since I didn't wanna do that, I kept away from Charles to force myself into talking to people even more.
I lasted about 10 minutes before I freaked out and left without telling anyone to go for a walk around Newtown until Charles was ready to leave. =.= FAIL.

I couldn't handle it. I felt like such an idiot, all these people were so nice to me and knew my name. I had no clue who they were and all the conversations were exactly the same. What hospital did u do ur prac in? What ward? Did you enjoy it? When does ur newgrad start?
THE freekin END.
There was nothing else to ask or add because I knew nothing about them. Once I had pretty much asked everyone around me the same things I went stir crazy and just left. I felt like such a tool.

I need to change this sort of behavior somehow but obviously half heartedly wanting it isn't working. So that's why I'm looking into reading, maybe new perspectives will help. If anyone has any advice or opinions I would love to hear them.

Anyway I'm home, there's a few more things I want to talk about but I'll leave that for later!

Xx

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Friday, January 20, 2012

1:18 PM

Late again as usual. Charles needed to go book a test at UTS so rmehere we are.

I woke up this morning with my head buzzing with ideas. All the things I need to do and want to accomplish. It's odd but I feel like I need to write them down to organise my thoughts and blogging just won't do. I need to write them out on real paper.

Just 5 more shifts and prac is OVER. Forever hopefully. I have two final essays to submit both worth 40% due on Monday and Wednesday. I'm dangerously close to failing and I can't let that happen, not now, not after having just done 8 fucking weeks of being treated like a dog or that I don't even exist. After 8 weeks you would think the nurses would know that I go there every day and at least acknowledge my existence without me having to remind them who I am.

So some of my plans for this year include DANCING. I'm going to join this Peruvian folk dance group haha..yeh I know, it's odd. I am not Peruvian but I really like that style of dance and the costumes are awesome. I remember being a little kid and wishing I could dance like that! So that starts in February at some point.

I'm also going to join a salsa class, it's embarrassing being asked to dance and not knowing how to follow. I can dance it but I'm so used to leading that I get frustrated when other people take charge haha. Stubborn much. So to join the one Rania has been telling us about for months. They do bachata the hour before as well which I'm totally pumped for. That dance is so sexy XD
If that doesn't work out, Michelle and I promised we would join something together once my prac finishes.
I also plan on going to at least one dancehall lesson. It's kind of intimidating going alone but ehhh oh well. Now I just need to stay motivated enough to head into the city alone at night just to dance lol. Effort.

Blah okay I'm starting to get annoyed. I've been late to handover for the last 4 days just coz this fucking idiot is so unorganised.

Bye
Xx


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Thursday, January 19, 2012

10:35 AM

Hey

I don't know how to properly explain what's been going on in my head. Up until yesterday I was on autopilot ever since Sunday. Today will probably be no different except that I guess I'm more willing to admit that I feel like I have a huge cloud hanging over my head. I've been less inclined to talk since Sunday and it's not me being all emo and shit, I just...I don't know. There's all this mindless chatter going on in my head and none of it is that interesting or worth sharing. It wouldn't even be a thing if I wasn't stuck in a car for 4 hours with Charles. He's all like 'rah rah rah y u so quiet for'.
I DON'T KNOW.
All I've been doing lately is going to prac and going home and occasionally hanging out with Charles and his friends. I have no idea about what's going on in the world and I can't stand talking about prac. I'm there all day as it is, I just want to forget about it at all other times.


This weeks willingness to be silent has changed my mind about going on that meditation retreat.

I'm going to Malaysia at the end of April or early May with my dad to attend this Buddhist meditation thing. It's called Vipassana Meditation. At first...okay to be honest, it still sounds like a load of crap. You stay there for 10 days, aren't allowed to talk or interact with anyone. You basically just meditate alllllllll day, starting from 4:30am until 9:30pm and the only breaks you get are to eat the vegetarian food they make for you. No singing, no dancing, no yoga, no fun basically. The first thing I thought was that it would be really hard to not have the internet for 10 days + have no mental stimulation at all...but yeh like I said, this week has felt like that a little. I'm sure I'll be fine.

I feel like I need to find out more before I go, like...maybe it won't work if I'm so negative about it. I don't even know what it's mean to do to you, I read one blog and she basically just sounded like she went crazy, feeling phantom bee stings and shiz. It's just hard to figure out because everywhere I look just explains it as 'life changing' and amazing or whatever. They don't explain why or how it's life changing.

I guess it would be good to just kind of turn off everything for 10 days...
I really don't know. The main reason I'm agreeing to this is because I've always wanted to go on one of these wierd retreats, it sounds so...newage/people with too much money and time on their hands kind of bullshit. Despite the fact that you know, it's free and it's a fucking ancient meditation technique...but ehhhhh.

Plus the break up (read: Tim) has highlighted how much I need to change. There's so much that just needs to go. Once prac ends next Friday it all sort of starts properly, even though I don't even know how I'm supposed to change the way I think. I figured that this retreat would help push things along somehow.

Blah. I'm just so over everything right now. I'm so close to graduating but all I want to do right now is hide under a rock and just sleep for a few years.

I guess I'm just in a funk.

Blah, even reading this post is fucking annoying. This is exactly why I haven't been talking much lately, who wants to listen to me whine and complain all day =.=

Bye.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

12:21 AM

I'm back home and really tired but I want to finish the previous post otherwise it will never get out.

So I was saying I'm having issues with boundaries. It's difficult to tell what kind of friends we're meant to be, like are we just gym buddies who don't talk outside of that environment OR can we still be 'best friends'. I feel so dumb calling him a best friend, mostly because I am an IDIOT. Our entire relationship I always made a point of never calling him a best friend, hell, I made a point of never calling him a friend. Now that he's not my boyfriend I can see that he was definitely my best friend, no one knows me as well as he does, no one went through as much with me as he has, no one has ever heard so much of what's inside my head. I never wanted to call him my bestie because that sounds so sappy but mostly because we went from being strangers to being bf and gf. We never went through a phase of being friends, that's why I always thought we would never be friends after we broke up since we didn't have that foundation to begin with.

As lame as this is, I know it was also a defence mechanism. It helped me keep part of me closed off, I guess I did that a lot, as much as he knew me, a huge part of me always kept a mental barrier up. I was always saying things like we wouldn't last, or that we wouldn't be together for ever as a way to make sure I didn't get TOO involved and hurt once it ended. In the end, that was what broke us up...self-full filling prophecy I guess. Or realism...I DON'T KNOW. It's so hard to separate being a pessimist from being a realist.

So it's hard...I want to stay his best friend (still feels wierd calling him that) but I don't want to be overbearing or make him push me away or something. The friends I've been closest with all know that I'm a crazy wierd txter. I send a shitload of random txts that a few days later will be very difficult to decipher. I send so many that I know, and don't ever expect a reply. I'll usually be watching a show and will quote something, or bitch about something stupid I'm seeing/experiencing. A song, a stupid observation. It's generally just mind vomit. Not a lot of people get this mind vomit because I sound crazy and only a select few people in my life have full access to the wierd version of me...I don't want to creep people out haha.

Something as seemingly insignificant as sending a txt makes me worry now that I'm overstepping =.= But i'm nottttt I swear, I just feel comfortable enough to do that with Tim. BLARGH ..not that he's complained, lol I just feel guilty whenever I contact him, like I should be leaving him alone or something. I briefly mentioned this to him, he said I was over thinking things too much lol.

Either way, I'm relatively happy. I get bummed out every time I realise another way in which I've lost him. Like stef's 21st was really hard. All I could think about was that mine was coming up and I'm going to be alone. I won't have him to share it with me...I won't have anyone who will make it special anymore. Plus it feels like a cop out, I worked so fucking hard on his lol and now he's off the hook for mine since we're not together lol.

Oh well...

I'm really tired and I have prac again tomorrow. POOP.

ttyl
Xx

Monday, January 16, 2012

9:10 PM

Hey guys

It's been awhile, "lots" has happened. Not really...I just went back to prac, stayed broken up with Tim ={ and kept as busy as possible so I wouldn't have to dwell on the sadness. I also finally fixed my phone XD took me log enough lol I should have taken photos, the last day when I fixed it there was less than a 1/10th of screen left and I was still using it hehe.

I'm on my break right now, this shift has gone ridiculously fast. Probably because I'm doing 3 people's work =.=

So uhm most people (who bother to read this), I guess, would want to know what the fuck happened between me and Tim. I don't know how I feel about that, writing about what people want to know as opposed to what I want to say. I guess since I haven't even been writing in my personal blog I should use this as a sort of therapy haha. I don't know what to say...it was my fault, I took it back but it was too late. I've been coping pretty well but mostly because I had a week before it was officially over where I was in total denial but getting used to not having him around, and then when he confirmed that we were staying apart I started prac again so I kept busy. Lack of writing and occupying myself with people helps keep yucky thoughts away, I've only had one massively shit day and one night. So thats good ^.^
Another factor that is making it much more bearable is that we're staying friends. I know, I know, none of you think that is a good idea or it could possibly work but surprisingly it has so far. Some conversations have felt ridiculously easy, some even better than when we were together lol. I am having trouble with boundaries at times, my closest friends know that I send a shit load of txts. And

*my break ended, went back to work and me and Charles are driving back home right now*

I'll pick this up later =)
Xx

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Sunday, January 8, 2012

2:44 PM

Hey ho!
LETS GO

..I don't even know that song but Matt's had the shirt with the lyric on it for years. Maybe I should look it up:



Oh yupp I have heard it. I HATE IT. I fucking hate like...garage punk or whatever this genre is. It's so tin-can-ey and messy sounding and that's coming from someone who enjoys screamo lol.
That version may or may not be the Ramons. I know nothing about them either, lets check:



-America
-Formed 1974
-Disbanded 1996
-Genre: various forms of punk
-Most of them are dead, heroin and cancer.

*sigh* I really dislike them, sorry Matt I know they're one of your favorite old school bands.

Today is the first day I've had to myself in awhile and tomorrow I start prac again so I should be making the most of it but it's just a lul atm. Mikel and Joel spent the night and left around midday and I'm seeing Aly later tonight and I don't even know wtf is happening with Tim.
We were meant to discuss things today but I was giving him space during the week so I haven't talked to him for a few days so I don't know if he wants to still meet up...and I'm not calling, plus I've got plans for tonight. BLah. What's the point anymore you know, I've got prac for the next 3 weeks anyway and some intense essays due. No one needs the drama.

Bah it's going to be a hectic busy 3 weeks. I've got a 21st I can't miss and I REALLY want to go the opening of the new Jamrock location. AH MAN and then it's my 21st right after I finish. I don't think I even want to do anything anymore. For ages I didn't wanna do anything, then I broke up with Tim and I found a bunch of things I really wanna do, MAINLY go to the J Boog concert, it's on my actual bday and it'll be sooooo awesome. But Joel's going away =( and I don't think he's that into it anyway. The only other person I know was this chick from highschool I barely talk to and I asked anyway but she's going to the states. I have one last option left but I don't particularly want to spent my 21st alone with him. I could go alone...like I have several times in the past, but that's just going to be depressing on my bday.

And I've been dying to go on this night bushwalk tour that ends up in Wattamolla beach ♥ That's my fav beach EVER. Yet again I have no one I can really go with, it's gone down in price heaps, last year it cost almost $500 now it's $250. I first came across this walk last year and I really wanted to do it for my 21st and the closest person I could think of taking was Tim but even then I was like...errrr he'll hate it and it'll be shit =( Not that he's an option anymore.

There's also been talk of 2 diff road trips, neither of which will work out due to people's schedules and the girls aren't even going to be in Sydney, nor will the boys. LAME.

Birthdays never work out, always so much expectation =(

Kind of like last night with the Syd festival. It could have been so amazing but it was sorta meh. Mainly I was just tired coz I've not really slept properly for the last few days, it's been one long string of people crashing at my place. Then it sorta sucked because I didn't want to go to The Domain and see the main performer. It was so packed and the group I was with was really intent on seeing the show and since we got there so late we didn't have any time to see all the other amazing acts and dance parties happening around =( It was still fun though, I love concerts, it's the only time I can just yell my fucking lungs out. Hehe people we're staring at me funny =D I can get retardedly high pitched and loud OR/AND scream like I'm a bloke at a soccer match. It's heaps fun, no where else is it socially acceptable to be that excited and vocal about anything. So wether I like the band/performance or not, I use the opportunity to get my scream fix on.

So many little things went wrong that it started piling up and by the end of the night I was just being a bitch.
1. Leaving so late. (everyone's fault lol)
2. Forgetting the goon at home, we had one water bottle between 3 of us, we hadn't even gotten to the train station and it had already finished. SO NOT DRUNK ENOUGH.
3. Being stressed over not getting a good spot/missing the show
4. Hot and humid
5. Slightly awkward mix of people went
4. Jamrock was fucking CLOSED.

That last one killed it pretty hard, I was so pumped for jamrock, I've been trying to go with joel for over a year now and it just always fails and this was the closest we've come in ages. So instead we did a pubcrawl which just doesn't work for me. I can't get drunk off spirits in the city, that's way too fucking expensive, my tolerance is too high. I just wanted to danceeee. So like, I didn't dance or hear anything good at Syd Fest PLUS no jamrock. Fail =.=

Well that's not totally true, I danced during the concert but it was forced, i didn't wanna stand there like a tool u know. Ehhhh memories nonetheless.

So this week has gone by strangely, it's felt really long, dragged at times but I feel like I've done so much, or seen so many people. It's wierd. Hung out a lot with warren, heapssss with joel, saw sebastian for the first time in MONTHS, spoke to Peter who I hadn't talked to in months as well, saw the girls for the first time since freekin october. I even saw sonjae and artiene for a bit. Random much.

anyway, I'm dead. I'm going to shower and take a nap b4 Aly gets here

cya
xx

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

12:30 PM

There are some quotes that will forever be stuck in my head and I can't read them without thinking about the source.

Prime examples:

How you doinnnn



and Tha'll do pig, tha'll do:



Lately I've also had:
Tim, Tim, things are looking GRIM GRIM

and:

Look at ma horse MA HORSE IS AMAZING

Sunday, January 1, 2012

9:54 PM

Title: Happy New Anus

In spanish if you forget to put the squiggly accent on the word year, it reads as Happy new anus instead of Happy new year:

Correct: Feliz Año Nuevo

Incorrect: Feliz ano nuevo

Big difference.

So time is almost up for the first day of the year, what did you do? Was it as anticlimactic and depressing as most programmed events tend to be? At one point today I found myself walking the streets of Cabramatta alone with a snow cone while still slightly off my face. It did not feel like a good start to the year. Mind you I didn't get home until about 6pm today but it was not a pleasant welcoming of the new year. I started off at Kurt's place before midnight and had a semi-heart shattering encounter with Tim there, then I went back to my place for a family BBQ where I heralded in the new year standing alone in my backyard thinking of none other than Tim. It's not pleasant breaking up right before new years lol. On the plus side we Skyped for awhile, it felt normal again ♥ despite the arguing and constant reminders that we are no longer a couple. It made me feel better talking to him even if we still remain apart. Then I went back to Kurt's place and everything is a long blur from then until about 6pm today.

I've spent a lot of time colouring in since breaking up with Tim, I have all this free time and I feel really wierd, like...wtf am I supposed to be doing, normally Tim and I would team up and be bored together. As shitty as that sounds, being bored with someone else is still better than being bored and alone. I've been resisting the urge to call him all day, just to mindlessly chat like we used to and eventually end up ignoring each other over the phone. BUT IT WAS NICE. and now I miss it. I'm realising all the things that have been left undone with each other and what this means in terms of changes. It sucks ass. Either way everything is completely up in the air until he comes back from the beach. I still don't even know if we can realistically continue to hang out and go to the gym everyday like we had been doing recently. He says we can but...who knows, that's a lot to ask of a recently broken up couple.

Blah im getting all wrapped up in this breakup bullshit. I came here to try and do a summary post. SO I've decided to do it month by month:

January:
Started off the year with a little party at my place and brought in the new year with Peter crashing at my place for a little while.


Soon after we all hung out with Nghi...that was an odd outing, we went to a park and then Ikea, randomest group of people too. Tim was at the beach with his family =(
That trip was the first time I hung out with Nghi and the first time he met Stef and a cute little friendship blossomed.

OH me and Joel went to the Sydney Festival! You know looking back on that, that was possibly the highlight of the year for me, I had SO much fucking amazing fun, I felt like my spirit was flying above everything that was happening. I was so far out and I wasn't even drunk!

Tim came back from the road trip and got me a few trinkets ♥ and there was a pretty random outing with my dance group + Alyssa

Oh Stef's (not really so) surprise birthday outting! We took her to Wattamolla and then we went and ate at Hogs Breath.

Tim and I tried a class of mixed martial arts, lol i almost died and we never went back

Salsa club with aly and miche haha how random

-okay I give up chronicling every outing. Maybe I'll do the bigger stuff :S

I went to Jervis Bay with Kurt!

OMG i totally forgot that we went and saw Amanda Palmer and Neil Gaiman for Australia Day

LOL we snuck into the Raggamuffin festival with Joel and Kurt haha I forgot about that too.

Movies..random lunches..

February:
Ugh my fail of a birthday and house sitting for Joel
LOL tim me stef nghi and robert attempted to play tennis one time..first and last time haha
I went to my first hens night
Disappointing and depressing vday...I put so much effort into that too =.=

OHHHH Friday 18th Feb, that's when we went on that not-so-great roadtrip to Forster with warren, jamie, kianie, rachel, lizzy, tim, jim and sean. MESSSY stuff people.


Huh so I did go to uni...i don't remember at all.
Oh I did a live sound production course at Hyland road.
Oh and the Stopmotion workshop...man I TOTALLY even forgot about that, that was mindnumbing.

1 year anniversary of Alex's death =(

I saw a lot more of Peter the first half of the year, he dissapeared the 2nd half =.=

I was going to dancing every Sunday

March:
Sonjae's bday haha and the awkwardness with Mike
A failed St Patties Day parade
Kurt's Pash Party
Mum was in Hospital
We saw the John Pilger doco!

April:
still occasional rock climbing sessions for tim where I would just watch lol
Shortcuts film festival!
finished up the workshops and had Bring It On! Fest. (pretty fail)
Lol this was around when I got it in for Christina because there was this odd flirty relationship with Tim haha
Aly's 20th at cargo bar with Rowan o.O and Michelle finally brought Andrew along!
Rio in 3D. I almost came. It was AMAZING.
I tried indian food for the first time

May:
The doctor who weekend sessions started after dancing usually
gross...I started my first clinical prac I had in over a year. Stressful, shitty times that I could not have endured had I not had Tim supporting me all the way.
ergh all mornings, it was excruciating.
Anything Goes Cabaret bullshit.
preparing for Tim's 21st and then executing it. Not bad.
I made my first set of AWESOME cupcakes

June:
Kurts 21st and the vomit explosion, Tim really proved he loved me that night haha
Comic Strip with jamie and dani + others, it was AWESOME, best burlesque ive seen in syd so far.
I had my interview for the job in mental health and me and tim spent a lot of time discussion the upcoming snow trip.
Nat and Warren's 21st, not a pleasant night, warren broke his leg and now no one talks to Tilbrook.
Tim ended his semester with a burlesque night with me and stef and his uni buddies

July:
SNOW trip...painful and really tested my mental endurance haha
hmm we ate out a lot this year, there's heaps of restaurants we tried for the first time and a bunch of movies we saw at the cinema
lol i accidentally threw away about $60 of brand new music equipment into the rubbish bin
GANGSHOW haha mikel dances silly
Orientation for that mental health job!
We attempted to create and film a movie in one arvo, did not happen
Mum got into a pretty big car accident
Matt's 20th! that was a fun night, I went to star city and the cross for the first time (properly)
A magical arvo with tim in the botanical gardens

August:
more eating out and hanging out at tims place
Our LAST dance performace before our group broke up
me tim and uly started going to the gym together
my first work shift in mental health!
Gay clubbing at Arq! and losing my phone in maroubra! blah...mikel really showed me he was a good friend that night
Wildfire restaurant and the 4 seasons when my dad came by from Singapore

September:
My newgrad interview
ergh the first Bridal fitting for my mum
Dylan Moran with stef and tim!
Helping tim with his assessments
Magic the Gathering showed up in our lives =.=
My cardiac prac started, all arvo's, it was really pleasant.
Jamies wicked 22nd birthday party
Chilean Fest with the guys
Warren's wedding!

October:
Andrews 21st!
Nghi's 21st clubbing, the first time me and tim ever staying in a hotel together..lol he was also spewing the whole time haha
3D motherfucking lion king! THE BEST SHIT OUT

This is around when stuff getting boring...I don't know why, hanging out with tim wasn't as much fun anymore coz we were both so friggen stressed out

Angels 21st, mikels 21st, doros 21st, Halloween parties, mums wedding, fucking retardedly stressful month.


November:
Lady Smith Black Mambazo
a lot of working
a lot of tim always busy
the prac im currently on started...holy shit, novemeber sounds so far away when it's jan right now.
So i met charles I guess, he drives me to prac and home =D
less and less time with tim, me more and more unhappy

December;
Im still on prac so I'm seeing the boys if im lucky and tim on the weekend usually but barely.
Nat's tea party
Gym with warren and tim started
xmas lights with tim and jamie & co
once my break from prac started there was a LOT of eating out and gyming.
xmas eve eve dinner at uly's place
Watched Happy Feet 2 on xmas and then went to a house party at one of tims friends places.

This is terrible i cant even remember what I did this week and I didnt write it in my diary. I'm screwed, there's no way I'll remember lol.

Sorry for the longest post ever, it's just to clear my head. This has really helped actually, I can pinpoint when things started to go wierd with me and tim...I really think it was just the changing circumstances we were in that made things harder. I think we can fix us...I'm hoping at least =(

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