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Thursday, December 18, 2014

2:21 PM

I don't know what's wrong =(
I feel really disconnected. I'm scared and worried and I don't exactly know what I'm waiting for. I constantly go through periods where I feel anxious but it will be okay because something is about to change and after that things will be okay. I don't have that right now =/

I've been making an effort to go out and do things regardless of people coming with me. My close friends aren't interested in the things I like to do or they're too busy/broke. It's been fun, I still have a good time and I've met a lot of new people. This last weekend was probably the only time it's backfired. I went to a street party thingo and I'm glad I ran into someone I knew because I just wasn't getting into it. The music was great but I couldn't let go. Then the day after I went to this beach thing and I met some lovely people but again, I don't know. I guess I'm just craving deeper connections lately. I left feeling a little empty.

I feel all sad and weird and scared. I always kind of end up wishing there was someone I could turn to and they could magically just hug me and say something that fixes everything but that's never happened before =( I think that's a big reason I've always felt let down by my previous partners. There's always been this hope that they will somehow be my saviour which is an unfair thing to ask of anyone. Their lack of understand and willingness to try a new approach always let me down and made me feel more alone.

I just don't know what to do =(
I don't want to be here.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Monday, December 15, 2014

9:29 AM

Hey =)

Just testing to see if the Blogger App works better on my new phone or if I should just delete it. I was having a lot of trouble with it on my old phone but that might just have been because it wasn't backwards compatible.

We'll see =)


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Thursday, December 4, 2014

2:15 AM

WHAT'S THIS!? I'm posting..AGAINNNN. lol
I guess I've just had a lot to vent that didn't feel appropriate dumping on friends haha.
This post however is allll about me patting myself on the back =P Except, tbh my shoulders hurt from all the poi-ing.

I'm so HAPPY XD

I guess my poitastic journey technically began at the start of 2013. On the 16th of January to be exact. Around that time Tim (my x and at that point fuck buddy) had taken up fire staffing and had asked me to come along to CircSoc at UNSW with him and Jamie. I think I only ever attended one real lesson and played around with it a bit when Tim bought his. I wasn't very good and I wasn't particularly drawn to it. One arvo while we were hanging at Jamie's place he took out the rest of his circus-ey gear and that was the first time I picked up a pair of poi. Also the day I got to see my x face plant it pretttty hard after attempting pogo-stilts (Warning: not for the faint of heart). lol. I still have the video of me trying to do 3 beat that day. I'm so glad that video exists because ONE day, i'll be good enough to look back at that and feel even prouder of how far I've come. I wasn't great at that either and I was even less interested in it that staffing.

Screen caps: the face says it all.





Fast forward to this year in August when I attended my first doof. I was blown away by the amount of beautiful patterns that people could make and how freely some people were able to express themselves to styles of music that were just too fast to dance to properly. It seemed like the perfect solution to my conundrum: how the fuck do I dance to this? I get antsy when I hear music that I'm really digging and I can't move my body to the beat. That's why I think I would really enjoy playing the drums/percussion since my physical movements would be creating the sounds. I thought about getting a pair but it was a fleeting thought. The next doof I went to I felt that even more strongly. I spent a good 8 hours dancing with a giant scarf overnight to all this downtempo/chill beats and I saw a girl moving her body in the most amazing ways with her poi moving around her gracefully. Blew my mind. I wanted to try really badly. Luckily Marco is impulsive as fuck and bought a pair and asked if I wanted a set so I figured if he was going to buy some silly toy I wouldn't feel as guilty having a set. I didn't even touch them while we were there because I didn't want to be a dork and fail as hard as I had before. When I got home I started looking up tutorials on youtube and learning slowly. The love for it didn't really hit me until we went to Jervis Bay with the boys and I spent literally 3 hours just going at it. For the first time I just let myself move without following a tutorial. It was magicalll.

I've been practicing regularly ever since, pretty much ever day. Because I WANT TO. Mind blown. I've never wanted to keep practicing something haha Not like this, where I accidentally lose 2 hours and I don't even notice. I've even gone to two lessons so far. Really helpful. I've also found that just talking to other people who are spinning has instantly taught me something new, it's such a great feeling. Each new move feels like a victory and it doesn't feel like it's taking thatttt much effort to pick stuff up. I love it XD Each small win makes me want to keep going.

I felt soooo amazing the other day. I went to this really mad gig at the Jenolan Caves with a bunch of people I had never met (that's a whole different happy story xD) and when we were hanging out after the gig I took my poi out. I brought them with me in the hopes that someone more experienced than me would be around so I could learn something new. I was the only one of our crew who knew how to poi =( So after asking they were like, noooooo show us. So I did. They were the first group of people I didn't know who have just sat there and watched me and asked me to perform. I warned them I had only been spinning for like a month and they were SO supportive. Their encouragement felt sooooooooo good. It gave me the confidence boost I needed and now I don't care who sees me =D Hearing them 'ohhhhh' and 'ahhhh' was ridiculously satisfying. Validation from strangers, the BEST kind! lol

I'm just so excited to keep going and get better. I've had a couple moments where I've listened to an awesome song and started flowing and MAN does it feel good. I have this stupid smile on my face the entire time. Plus I'm just so proud of myself. I've always been so fucking unco and this makes me feel like I'm finally able to do something practical/physical. Also, it feels so awesome seeing my skills develop and how building up muscle memory actually works. This week I realised that I could now magically do one of the moves I hadn't been able to get at the start and I guess it must be from having gained more dexterity from other moves. SO pumped.

Weeeeeee. I've got class tomorrow night. I have so many questions!
xD

Also: sorry. haha i know I sound real gloaty but yeah. Just so happy I found something I love doing and actually want to spend my spare time doing.

wewt
x

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

7:56 PM

I've been really lucky lately. I've been in a good place despite going through some shitty times. I'm really grateful...I'm not sure to who....the universe I guess? I've been trying to just enjoy life. I've found a lot of spaces where I can feel a lot of positive energy and it's helping reinforce stable brain mode. At times I think maybe I also need to slow down though and spend some time just feeling those bad feels, I might be pushing them further away and just not dealing. It's both good and bad, good because I am able to enjoy all these new experiences without having a cloud over my head. Bad because when I'm alone and not fully distracted or exhausted I go back there and the sad feels come.


I've felt proud of myself though. The way I've been approaching my love life has definitely taken a turn. I'm trying to change because I keep making very obvious mistakes. Except now I'm not too sure if I'm closing myself away from a lot of new experiences. In most cases I'm just trying to follow my intuition, so if there is the slightest reason for not wanting to be around someone I pull away.


The main downer has been Ash tbh. We had a complicated relationship from the start. We dated 6 months before I left to go overseas. We broke up around the 8th month while I was gone. Despite breaking up our communication and expectations of each other remained very much the same. This year after returning we took it slow and eventually started calling each other bf/gf again. We never made it fb official or asked each other but we were basically a couple again. We never really stopped being one I guess considering all the affection and the expectations of monogamy remained. About 3 weeks ago we had a talk though and broke up officially. It's been difficult to set boundaries. I was starting to feel lied to and like I was being led on so I decided to cut the pseudo friendship off a few days ago. It's been hard. I think it's been more that it's difficult to swallow that he doesn't want to try harder when he used to care so much. Feeling defeated that all my efforts were for nothing. Mostly right now just feeling lied to...even when I knew I was being lied to for such a long time but I was just so hopeful that he had changed =( I accepted the words as truth despite the actions very clearly showing the extreme opposite of the wonderful words thrown my way to keep me from questioning him. *sigh*



I just didn't want to go through that again like I did with Tim. For a whole fucking year and half basically. I was "friends" with him after we broke up. I let him treat me like shit. Neither of these people deserved my continued efforts to support and elevate them. It makes me sad that they didn't appreciate me but in the end, I'm happy that these experiences occurred. It's taught me a lot about what I want from a partner and don't get me wrong. There was lots of great moments while I dated them too. All of my boyfriends have opened up my mind to many new possibilities and made me a more tolerant person. So many things that I never would have watched, or read, or listened to or learnt if I hadn't had these people in my life so I am grateful.


I'm happy that despite Ash's attitude toward me I haven't had my confidence and self worth shaken in any way. I've been making lots of personal gains independently. Challenging myself and succeeding and continuing to build up my confidence in myself. So I know I'm awesome =P I've been lucky to have a lot of external validation come my way from various sources to boost that as well. I've met a lot of new people and entered lots of new environments this year and each time I've had very positive experiences. Both in work and in my personal life so I feel like I'm covered on all my fronts.


I know things will be great. It would be nice to be in love though, and have that love returned. Ash made me feel some stuff I hadn't ever experienced with anyone so it makes me very hopeful that really epic feels are most definitely possible and out there for me to experience somewhere one day.


Take care <3

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