I fully realised that I'm not very attached to any one person or place, I had a feeling I was like this when I got through my meditation retreat without any problems but now that I was away for this long I know for sure. I didn't reallllly miss anyone or crave anything whole heartedly. It's unsettling to be honest. It doesn't matter where I am because I still feel the same. I kind of would like to feel like home is somewhere specific but it just isnt and I think that's part of what I struggle with. In a way it's good because I feel like I'll always be okay and I feel proud of myself that I can be this self-sufficient but it also makes me sad. I want to care, I just dont.
In saying all that, being back has not been easy. Mostly just because I don't have anything huge to distract myself with which was what was keeping me relatively sane. Making sure I was experiencing everything I could only achieve in those places , making sure I was safe and adequately prepared, it kept me really busy which was the kind of busy I feel is okay. That's the thing, now that I'm back and get caught up in waves of negativity and everyones go to answer is, just distract yourself, I reject it. Distracting myself feels hollow, switching my brain off so this flood of dissatisfaction ends doesn't seem healthy. I want to get to the root of all of this, I just don't really know where to start. I don't particularly know what's really wrong or where it all comes from. The fact that I've had a pretty awesome life just makes me feel worse, I don't have any kind of horrific problems or struggle with any deep dark secret. I used to think, if I change this one thing I'll be happy, but turns out, it's just always there. It's been there since I was a kid and I don't get it. Maybe it really just is a chemical imbalance, maybe I do just need to pop some happy pills and I'll think drudging myself through the system will be worthwhile.
The one thing I did realise is that of all the things I've done, travelling has been the most satisfying for the longest amount of time. Being immersed in something so new and constantly changing makes me feel alive. I kind of just want to travel now. So maybe that should be my lifes goal...seeing as getting hitched, knocked up and buying a house do not sit well by me. It's the only thing at the moment that makes me feel like doing anything is worth it. Working so I can support my habbit basically. Time to look for work. *sigh* I've avoided it a lot, I'm scared. I feel really dumb and ill prepared and the weight of what I do stresses me out. 'Don't be so hard on yourself' only works when you don't have someones life in your hands. I'm not bad at what I do, there are so many people way worse than me, it's easy to get the job done, but it's going that extra mile, picking up on shit no one else notices and being truely comforting and supportive, it's hard. I know how to achieve that for the most part I suppose, just keep reading and with time experience will make me better, it's just such a fucking steep learning curve. I'm just being a whiny bitch =.= I know I have to go back to work soon anyway, I'm running out of money and without it I can't get away, it's not like there's any other option. I don't want to work in anything else, despite the fear I do actually enjoy nursing.
As for my love life....that's messed. I offically know now that I'm just not well enough to be in a relationship with anyone. I make the same mistakes over and over and I use people and I'm too needy and cling to the hope that they will somehow fix me and make life worth living and that's just not healthy. I ALWAYS end up using the person as the biggest distraction, one that I'm willing to partake in because you also get all the warmfuzzy stuff. I become crazier. I freak out and become so self-conscious and hate myself more. Apart from the fact that I also keep choosing people who aren't good for me in the first place without all my added crazy. I just want to heal myself before I'm ready to throw myself back in that place. It's petrifying, I can't handle it right now. I don't feel good enough and I don't want to have anyone help me 'get through this' because I know i'll just feel empty without them when they're gone.
Ive still had alright times since I came home. It's nice to know that things with my best4 stay the same. We've been tight now for 7 years and I'm glad they get me. That they give me the space I need when I ask for it, and that they still love me despite everything.
I spent a week house sitting for Joelypants and fell in love with his doggy Samson <3 It was the bomb, he would sit on my tummy and watch tv with me, or lay by the couch under my hand so I could give him pats <3 See, I see those signs of LURVEEEEE, but I read this horrible article yesterday that re-framed everything I know about dogs and its ruined it for me. The article was about small dog syndrome (yappy dogs who act all big and tough, not that samson does that, just a lot of the examples they gave were some of the behaviours I experienced with him) and it basically all came down to the constant struggle for dominance. Small dogs are allowed to get away with more alpha actions because they're tiny and we think it's cute when they jump up on us, or take the lead, wheras bigger dogs are almost instinctually taught to be submissive. Link: http://www.dogbreedinfo.com/articles/smalltoydogs.htm
I got to hang out with Elle and Dean one night when they came up to Sydney which was hella fun, Elle's so lovely, we flow so well xD We went to go see the Suicide Girls Burlesque which was horriiibbleeeee. I've seen a lot of burlesque shows here in Sydney, and we have some crazy good talent, these American girls didn't seem to understand the most basic principle of burlesque, it's all about the tease behbii! They marketed the show as being geek-themed and it just wasn't. I went to a fucking kickass superhero/villains burlesque one time and THAT was a show, elaborate costumes, theme music, props, story line. Playing a song that sounds like it could be from the show/movie and wearing a g string with the main colour of what the characters costume should be does not CUT IT. Ergh. The girls would come on stage, jump around for a second and bam, tits out. They weren't even that amazing as dancers o.o So so dissapointing.
The Reggae Music Carnival in Marrickville was really fun ^.^ I got mah dance on, shamed myself when I joined the last 2 mins of the dancehall workshop and got to do the drumming workshop. It still wierds me out that it's about 98% white people. When i went to JamRock those handful of times, Sydneys only reggae club (saddly closed), it was 99% African people. Weird.
Went to Jervis Bay to Kurt's fams house. It should have been nice, and it wasn't bad but I was in a pretty killer funk that didn't lift the whole weekend really. I felt like a fucking granny too, I needed so much sleep and naps, I couldn't even go hard on drinks. Just not in the partying spirit.
I went to a gig last night with my aunty and gran, the music was really great, Andean music. So much of my family is so musically skilled, and I never did anything with it. It would be awesome to be able to play something, I'm just not passionate enough I guess, to dedicate myself. I also started reading the Divergent trilogy 2 days ago. I watched the movie this week and when I saw it was based on a book, I could tell it would be my kinda thing. Teen girl, struggling through some kinda fictional world + lurveee interest. Mega cheese XD
Also. TREWS. I fucking love Russell Brand. Still don't like his stand up, but he started a news/expose youtube show that's real on point. Good stuff. Look it up!
Anyway, happy easter/ 420.
fuck. mum started talking to me. I hate her.
So one day I was hanging out with Kurt and we realised that there are some pretty wacky sayings in the spanish language.
Each Spanish speaking country has their own sayings, metaphors and similies but these are a few that I have collected over the last year or so.
Every time I hear my mum or grandma say a new one I text Kurt XD It has become somewhat of a little tradition for me now =]
Saying: La negrita astuta vende fruta.
Direct Translation: The (Astute, cunning, sly, crafty, fraudulent) cute/little black girl sells fruit.
Meaning: This saying is said as a sort of warning that you are/someone else is a cocktease
Saying: No calientes el agua (si no vas a tomar té)
Direct Translation: Don't heat the water if you're not going to drink tea
Meaning: This is also a sort of warning to someone who is being a cocktease. Kind of like, don't flirt and lead someone on if you have no intention of hooking up with them. It is also a play on words because in Spanish (Chilean at least) the word calentar (to heat) is also used informally as a way to say 'make horny'. So 'estoy caliente' = I'm hot BUT it means I'm horny. If you wanted to say I'm hot (because of the weather) you would say 'tengo calor'
Tongue Twister: Tres tristes tigres trigo trillaron tranquilos tragaron
Translation: Three sad tigers, wheat they threshed (To separate the grain from the straw or husks by mechanical beating), calmly they swallowed.
Tongue Twister:Pedro Pablo Pérez Pereira pobre pintor portugués pinta paisajes por poca plata para pasar por París
Translation: Pedro Pablo Pérez Pereira poor Portugese painter paints landscapes for little money to pass through Paris.
Saying:Buscarle la quinta pata al gato
Direct Translation:To look for the 5th leg of the cat
Meaning: Looking for problems when there clearly aren't any in that situation, so you're over thinking it and overcomplicating yourself.
Saying: Para ser bella hay que ver estrellas
Direct Translation: To be beautiful you have to see stars
Meaning: I'm guessing this is a fairly old saying because my grandad said it to me once, I kind of fell in love with this little rhyme/mantra. It means that no pain is too great to endure in order to look your best, this particularly refers to women having to wear painful shoes (stilettos) because it makes their legs look hot, wearing tight clothing to show off curves, waxing, plucking, dying hair, and I suppose nowadays you could extend that into getting cosmetic surgery. Just to clarify, my grandad wasn't a dick, I remember the saying coming up because we were watching a show with really attractive women and I was in awe of them and he explained that constructed superficial beauty comes at a price =) Oh and if you don't get the imagery, it's based on seeing "stars" when you hit your head/get dizzy, like if you've ever seen the cartoon representation of stars around the head when they get hit.
*To be continued