Okay! So that took like 5mins of figuring out my laptop before getting this started. I'm currently sitting on the first of a ridic amount of planes I'm going to be travelling in for the next 4 months. According to the little monitor imbedded into the seat infront of me, we've already flown over Auckland (lol whoops, I thought we had a stop over there, turns out it's a direct flight which is a first!) and have 9 hours and 27 mins until we land in Sanitago ^.^
Seeing as Im on the plane, I obvs don't have the net right now so I'm typing this into "WordPad" I've never heard of it, I only got this laptop like a week ago and I never bought Microsoft Office but I'm pretty happy with this program, looks similar to word and I can format shit, I was already resigned to having to type everything into Notepad. I'm not entirely sure how frequent these blog posts are going to be once I'm actually there, I haven't figured out how the internet is going to work for me there or how busy I'll be. Expect longer posts when Im in transit =)
Soooooo I can't remember the last time I posted in my blog but I can garantuee a fuckload has happened since. I finished my newgraduate contract about 2 weeks ago and althought I half-heartedly tried to roll over into the casual pool, I applied too late but tbh, with the way things have been the last 2 weeks there was no way I could have managed to take on even one shift and get everything done before this trip. I have been going mental, and I wish I was just using the term loosely but for cereal I've been cracking hard and fast. Too many personal issues as well as the stress of organising this trip last minute, trying to see everyone before I left, keeping friends and family happy, and dealing with my own insecurities that have been amplified with this trip. Luckily I have been so busy running errands that I haven't had too much time to really think so I've mostly kept the demons at bay until Monday night. *sigh* I was getting shit done, Mikel and Kurt were over for one last hang, unfortunatly I was busy pretty much the entire time trying to scan things and email and pack and organise. Then around 2am I finally gave up for the night and decided since I was being such a shit host I should at least hang with them for a little and holy fuck was that a mistake. I had my first ever anxiety attack...or well that's what Ash thinks it was when I explained how I felt to him. I've had moments before where I felt like I cracked and lost control, where my brain just flys off the handle and is racing at a million miles a second and every thought is negative, the difference though was the implications of all those thoughts. I've had it where I get stuck in a negative loop and I'm spiraling and I pretty much give up on life because I just don't know what to do anymore and it's tears non-stop for days at a time. This time was different, there were no tears, just fear attached to those negative ideas + my brain was insinerated, I couldn't focus, my mind was split. I kept having all these ridiculosuly intense thoughts at the same time. It's hard to explain..hmm like, one wave would be the fear of being alone and how could I ever have possibly thought that I could do this and hating myself, while at the same time freaking out over the concept of ideas and reality. I hate to say it but yup, plagued by the cliched illness of most 20 something year olds in western society, I was in the midst of an intense existential crisis, as well as freaking out over myself. My brain couldn't handle the enormity of those thoughts and the dicotomy of thinking about something so insignificant at the same time. It was just really intense though because I was so trapped in my mind that I couldn't verbalise all of it to mikel and Kurt. I couldn't stop shaking and I felt so completely disasociated in my own environment, I knew who I was and where I was and who the people were that I was talking to but none of it made sense. Everything felt foreign and scary, my home felt sinister and dark and even my friends felt unfamiliar. I didn't want to hurt Kurt's feelings but in those moments I just didn't understand who he was and why he was talking to me or why he was hugging me, he felt wrong too. Obviously there was still a part of me attempting to function because I remember keeping those feelings to myself because I knew he was trying to help me and I was being crazy and a burden. After about an hour of kurt trying to talk me down I finally managed to collect myself for long enough to tell Kurt thank you and sorry and for him to go to bed. As soon as he was gone though it came back in full swing. I couldn't stop shaking and I tried to settle myself and text ash in the hopes that he might reply and somehow fix things but he was asleep. I think it helped though, trying to be brave for him helped me settle. I didn't want him to feel bad in the morning if I had a full on freak attack and he wasn't around, so I tried to sooth his potential morning guilt by texting him that I was going to be okay, and it helped a little. I finally managed sleep at around 4:30am. I had to wake up early to get the last few errands done and I was so scattered. I felt really heavy and like if I thought too much about the ideas that were flooding my brain the night before I would lose it again. Luckily having so many things I had to do meant giving up just wasn't an option. I finally saw ash at like 7pm yesterday and I explained what happened to me and for the first time ever, he made me feel so completely safe. He really really helped. Ash goes through something similar occasionally and I guess, him identifying with those same feelings made me feel like it was going to be okay. Today though, I woke up feeling better. I kind of want to write out all the scary thoughts though, because I guess, those thoughts are always there at least a little but they had never presented themselves with such clarity before. Maybe one day.
With all my nervous fretting I haven't even given myself the chance to be excited for this trip. A lot of the time I would feel like I was expected to be super pumped but everything just sort of keeps happening. They're all just motions and I guess, part of me knows that. I've been overseas lots of times and it's never this amazinggggg time that changes everything for me. It's just another place and other people. Maybe the problem is more that at some point it became ingrained into me that I should be expected to feel certain ways about specific things. I never got super excited because this trip has been more of a problem than some kind of eye opening, life-changing adventure which is what everyone wants it to be. This was always my goal, to go travelling. I was meant to go straight after hsc but I never had enough money and the only reason I wanted to go was to get away from life and from home and to get to pretend that nothing matters and that I didn't have responsibilities to uphold. It was never about exploring and seeing something new, it was just to get away. And now? I'm not sure, now I think it was more about ticking off a checklist. Things that I should do..because I've been told that travelling is exciting and life changing or something along those lines. I don't have any specific interest in what I do or where I go, it sure made planning the trip easier though. I just booked shit according to my time and money constraints. As I started getting into the finer details of planning, the places I chose to go were chosen because that's where everyone says I should go and with practicality in mind. I guess what's meant to be exciting about travelling is getting the chance to potentially experience something new and amazing, the charm and allur of the unknown (which clearly can turn into fear and anxiety for me instead). I know I'm probably never going to get this chance again. Having the freedom to go for this long, the money to go. So many things done out of fear. Fear of losing an opportunity, the fear of missing out on an experience, the fear that I will grow old and stuck in one job for the rest of my life. Where does that fear even come from, why am I so scared of doing the same thing for so long, it's why I'm scared of marrige and children, being locked down into one pathway. Yet at the same time, I'm terrible at making those changes, forcing myself out of my comfort zones. I guess I do it though, I've done a lot of things I was scared of and I honestly don't know if that actually helps you grow and become a better person, or if it's just added grief and stress for the purposes of doing what I'm told is the correct course of action by society. FUCKME I sound like a tool. How did this happennnnnn.
I should be less depressing hey?
So the good stuff!
I've bought so much new gear xD (oh man my brains still flip flopping, now Im mad for being materialistic, I can't win). It makes me feel better because now I actually have something to show for working all year. I still haven't even figured out how much this trip is costing me, I'll work it out at the end I guess but I know I've already dropped at least $10,000.
I'm excited to hopefully reconnect with family on my dad's side. It's a little awks though, I've never been tight with them seeing as my parents have been seperated since I was 5 and they live in Chile. I'm hoping my spanish isn't too sped and that they don't think I'm a freak. The last time I saw them I didn't really speak to my cousins =( I'm hoping this time it will be different, that I actually have the balls to talk to them...that it isn't wierd *sigh* I'm so shit at interacting with people sometimes.
I'm nervous about being alone on those group/contiki tours I'm doing. I guess that's because I have a preconceived idea of what backpackers are like, and I am not one of them lol. I'm expecting carefree beautiful people who dont freak out over anything, who just want to party and live and have fun. As nice as that sounds, I can't help but be a ball of nerves constantly, I'm sooo awkward around certain people and I know it's completely my own fault, me judging them and expecting that they're going to see me a certain way and that's probably just me creating a self-fullfing prophecy lol. I'm an idiot.
I'm completely at a loss as to how the fuck I'm supposed to pack clothes for 3 months into a back pack, clothes that will need to take me through freezing cold temperatures and insufferable sweaty hot days. I've still got a month and a half to figure that out though lol.
THERE'S SO MANY BABIES AROUND ME.
I should put my laptop away and maybe just watch some stuff. They have soooo much to choose from ^.^
Just 8 hrs and 14mins left o.o
xx
