Monday, November 26, 2012
1:18 AM
Looks like these are more frequent with the increase in emo-ness. *sigh* I need to get out of this funk. The slightest thing and I feel like giving up. I think being tired doesn't help, I get down faster.
I tried so hard at work today, it was the busiest I had ever been and I didn't have a partner. And I was so proud by the end of the shift because I managed, just barely but I finished. Then handover came round and I realized I had forgotten one medication ={ The next shifts nurse was so annoyed at me, I felt like crap. I really tried ={
Fail.
I hung out with Tim after. We're talking again. He eventually contacted me, he was real and I forgave him. He even opened up about his new girl and told me they were a thing now. I really appreciated that, I would have died a bit inside if it had just shown up on fb one day. We talked about her heaps and it was nice, I finally felt like his friend and also like in a way he finally set me free. Like I knew where I stood with him. It didn't make me as sad as I thought though which is a good sign. I still love him though and today was hard. Stopping myself from being over-familiar was a conscious effort. Stupid stuff like just not putting my hand on his knee required me to fuse my hand onto my seatbelt the entire time we were in the car. Then I suddenly started with the whole, noticing-happy-couples-thing and longing for that and feeling suddenly alone. *sigh* I guess it had to happen eventually right lol.
I think we can be friends though, it's not easy but we still had laughs and the other night when he told me about her we still had a massive dnm about stuff not related to us.
My motivation is fleeting. It's hard to not fall into 'what's the point', I need small things to look forward to otherwise i get down on life so fast. It's retarded. It's so retarded that I'm this self-involved when there's so many massive things happening and im here stressing over such insignificant things in the grand scheme of things.
Life.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
& Kitty goes MeOw.
Friday, November 23, 2012
1:28 PM
How doth the little crocodile...
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
Lewis Carol.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
& Kitty goes MeOw.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
9:34 PM
I have spent my entire day in bed crying. I haven't done this since my x defiantly flaunted in my face another girls lipstick on his neck. I keep ending up in the same place with him, over and over again. At what point am I the fool for forgiving him.
This time is different, we aren't together. We're meant to be friends, and yet he still manages to inflict this kind of pain on me. He always bitches about how terrible my friends are but honestly, he's the only person in my life who has so regularly treated me like I mean nothing. The only person so close to me to so often wish ill-will towards me. Then I get upset, I get a craptacular apology and I continue to cry and feel worthless and all he can do is get mad at me and leave. Not a trace of actual remorse.
Worlds biggest mind-fuck. He's always there to pick up the pieces and eventually makes things better but it's this vicious cycle. I don't even know why he bothers anymore, if he cares so much why do it in the first place.
I feel used, I can't tell if what he said to me was how he really feels about me or if it was just something spiteful to say. Something to hurt me on purpose. Actually both of those options aren't pleasant.
He said he was my friend =(
He's once again managed to break me. And he doesn't even care.
The worst part is there is no one I can talk to about this. Normally if I was this upset I would talk to him but I tried last night and he just hung up on me. Everyone's sick of it, and I'm not really close to anyone but him anymore. I know I'm the idiot for staying by his side for all this time. It's just so hard, breaking the cycle when I feel like he's the last person I have left in my life who was willing to actively make me feel better and listen.
He doesn't care. It's so hard to accept that when I care so much.
I don't know what to do anymore. My life is so empty these days, there's no one to talk to, nothing to do, and he's left me shattered.
...and he just doesn't care.
I can't wrap my head around that ={
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
& Kitty goes MeOw.
Friday, November 16, 2012
10:35 PM
& Kitty goes MeOw.
2:04 AM
I think the time has finally come where me and Tim part ways. It had to happen eventually, we broke up almost a year ago and yet here we are. Seeing each other almost every day, still doing the exact same things as we always did. Not a single difference other than that now we could see other people if we chose to and we both have over the last few months. Nothing that was more than random hook ups really, nothing that meant staying away from the each other.
He's finally found someone that could actually lead to something. That's my cue to bow out now. I don't want to ={ but I can't do that to him or her. I can't let him be an asshole to her and I can't stand in his way of finding someone who is truly right for him. Im scared and sad and I feel so weak. He's been carrying me for so long, even after we broke up but I can't do that anymore. It's time to go solo and I'm petrified. He's been the only one keeping me together for the last 3 years, I know some of you might be reading this and not understand seeing as from every other perspective it seems that he was the one causing my grief for the last few years but that's not true. He gave me something else to focus on, someONE else. He heard all the other bits, all the sadness and fear, all the stuff my friends never dealt with, the real stuff. Now I need to man up.
I'm not going to have someone to distract me and make me smile. As scary as it is, and heartbreaking to lose him, I know I've needed to do this for a long time. I need to stop using him as my crutch and I need to face my reality head on. Neither of us are ever going to move on if we keep doing this dance.
I hate this ={
I don't want to become a stranger. I don't want to lose him. I don't want to see him once in a blue moon and have a polite conversation. I've never been so comfortable with someone as I am with him, I hate that it's going to die.
I know it sounds ridiculously emo but I'm going to miss him so much, he was my rock. The person I went to when everything was wrong, and it always seems to be and he's the only one in my life who could always make it better. The only one who can console me when I can't stop crying and I don't know what to do anymore.
I love him so much for that, but I need to let him live his life now ={ I need to stop being a pussy and get my shit together.
I don't even want to stop writing at the moment. As soon as I finish this there is more nothing, more crying and more being alone.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
& Kitty goes MeOw.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
10:30 PM
Despite getting plenty of sleep these days, the dark circles won't budge. My next guess is my constant allergies. I've read in a few places that they can cause dark circles and seeing as I have chronic blocked nose due to my allergies it looks like they won't be going anywhere unless I sort out the nose stuff. I should look into that, the last time I tried I was about 8. Maybe there's been some sort of advancement. Last time they pretty much said there was nothing they could do. My blocked nose isn't from polyps or anything. It's just my allergies to dust mites and dogs and cats and cockroaches and everything. Yet the only side effect is a blocked nose, I occasionally also get full blown hay fever with the runny nose that is also simultaneously blocked while getting puffy leaky eyes. It's gross and uncomfortable.
So I wrote that while I was waiting for the bus as I was coming home from work. My days been okay I guess. Work was breezyyy, I only had 3 patients and they were all self-caring. I even had enough time to go chat with the patients I had been looking after all last week. Lol one of them gave me pack of choc chip cookies ^.^ Tasty as!
Then I went to the gym for the usual hour and a half. I try to go after ever morning and night shift. Pm shift is awkward though coz they say ur not supposed to be in the gym alone after hours unless u have a buddy and I don't know how strict they are enforcing that and the idea of showering and washing my hair b4 work, AT WORK, sounds terrible.
The rest of my arvo was spent being a loser. Alone in my room watching glee and working on ma pusseh pulls because I've caught up on everything else ={ That and random squats. Alone. *sigh* At least I got a work assessment done too. Productive day I suppose but still so dull with no real interaction with anyone.
I had 4 days off this past week and they were pretty sad. I spent most of it alone watching stuff online. My Friday was spent making chain mail for Tim because that was my best option. Seriously!? Why does no one want to dance. I need to make new friends.
Boo. Not happy. I feel very much like I did back in my early high school days. Bored and alone.
It's not the worst but it would be nice to hang out with people and actually have a good time instead of always switching off. Coming together but being together in silence as we watch something or make something or eat something. Like, that's nice too when you want to switch off and just feel totally comfortable but I like being engaged once in awhile.
Need that spark.
Oh well. I should go to sleep. I have work again tomorrow. Eek. Monday morning. Busyyyy.
Cya guys! Sorry for always sounding bummed.
If things work out I'll be going to this dancehall thing on sat after work that I'm really hopeful for. Part of me is about ready to just go on my own if no one wants to come with me *sigh*
& Kitty goes MeOw.
Español.
So one day I was hanging out with Kurt and we realised that there are some pretty wacky sayings in the spanish language.
Each Spanish speaking country has their own sayings, metaphors and similies but these are a few that I have collected over the last year or so.
Every time I hear my mum or grandma say a new one I text Kurt XD It has become somewhat of a little tradition for me now =]
Saying: La negrita astuta vende fruta.
Direct Translation: The (Astute, cunning, sly, crafty, fraudulent) cute/little black girl sells fruit.
Meaning: This saying is said as a sort of warning that you are/someone else is a cocktease
Saying: No calientes el agua (si no vas a tomar té)
Direct Translation: Don't heat the water if you're not going to drink tea
Meaning: This is also a sort of warning to someone who is being a cocktease. Kind of like, don't flirt and lead someone on if you have no intention of hooking up with them. It is also a play on words because in Spanish (Chilean at least) the word calentar (to heat) is also used informally as a way to say 'make horny'. So 'estoy caliente' = I'm hot BUT it means I'm horny. If you wanted to say I'm hot (because of the weather) you would say 'tengo calor'
Tongue Twister: Tres tristes tigres trigo trillaron tranquilos tragaron
Translation: Three sad tigers, wheat they threshed (To separate the grain from the straw or husks by mechanical beating), calmly they swallowed.
Tongue Twister:Pedro Pablo Pérez Pereira pobre pintor portugués pinta paisajes por poca plata para pasar por París
Translation: Pedro Pablo Pérez Pereira poor Portugese painter paints landscapes for little money to pass through Paris.
Saying:Buscarle la quinta pata al gato
Direct Translation:To look for the 5th leg of the cat
Meaning: Looking for problems when there clearly aren't any in that situation, so you're over thinking it and overcomplicating yourself.
Saying: Para ser bella hay que ver estrellas
Direct Translation: To be beautiful you have to see stars
Meaning: I'm guessing this is a fairly old saying because my grandad said it to me once, I kind of fell in love with this little rhyme/mantra. It means that no pain is too great to endure in order to look your best, this particularly refers to women having to wear painful shoes (stilettos) because it makes their legs look hot, wearing tight clothing to show off curves, waxing, plucking, dying hair, and I suppose nowadays you could extend that into getting cosmetic surgery. Just to clarify, my grandad wasn't a dick, I remember the saying coming up because we were watching a show with really attractive women and I was in awe of them and he explained that constructed superficial beauty comes at a price =) Oh and if you don't get the imagery, it's based on seeing "stars" when you hit your head/get dizzy, like if you've ever seen the cartoon representation of stars around the head when they get hit.
*To be continued
