EDIT: I wrote this in the car on the way to drop off Denise, my..step sister =S at the airport. I never finished it, hadn't slept but was in a good mood =)
Bonjour mon amie!
And for once, that actually applies. I haven't gotten up this early for a few weeks, haven't had a morning shift for ages. At the moment though, me mum and Marko are on our way to drop of Denise to the airport to send her back to Portugal. A tiny part of me wanted her gone so I could have more privacy but in all honesty things were actually a little better for me with her here. It got the heat off me haha I suddenly became either super useful or I could get away with going out non stop without ever hearing a single complaint because they were so exhausted looking after her. The great thing is they didn't end up relying on me to look after her at all. I even got out of cooking for the whole family. It was a nice break not being the one being complained about.
It feels like lots of things are wrapping up right now what with Denise leaving and me starting work soon. Mostly it's just that sense that time is running out for me when it really shouldn't feel so final. I have exactly one week left before I start working full time in the new graduate program at the hospital as a proper RN.
I've been working casual all year but as an assistant and in mental health so the roles will be vastly different but I'm really looking forward to it. I've been in conflicting states of mind at times, mostly because I feel like I just want to end this now and just be an adult already with a full time job and getting my life together.
As much as I enjoy hanging out with friends every day, blowing my money on fun stuff 'in the moment' and either partying or enjoying different experiences that I won't be able to do as frequently when I work full time, I sorta just want to be done with it. I feel guilty living my life like this, it makes me feel like a bum whose wasting her life away and the only thing that kept me content and at ease was knowing that I had this job lined up and my career set up for life. Hanging out with certain friends would make me anxious occasionally. I was constantly feeling like I'm too old for this kind of shit and not understanding how some people are content to sit on their lorels with no real direction. I can't handle that idea.
I don't regret having taken this 6 month break before starting at all! But I have to admit it was too much at times, there were definitely days (maybe just like 2 weeks worth) where I wanted to be working full time already. At the beginning it was just when I was running out of things to do but then I found my groove and could find somewhere to go, always! It was so great =) I hope I always look back on these last few months as happy times in my life because it will probably be the only time in my life that I get to have as much freedom with such little responsibility as I did. No one to really answer to, no bills to pay, no studying or assessments, just time and as much money as I made working casual at my own discretion.
Then my feelings for wanting it to be over would pop up when I was running myself into the ground. I felt like I had to rationalize my behavior by putting it into the context that I won't be able to do this forever and I should get it done now. Then I would get sad when I would realize that some of the people I was hanging with don't really have an end point.
Ahhh man, it was pretty bleak 2 nights ago. I went to a party at a 26yr olds place and man, I felt like I was drowning. I couldn't handle thinking about my life still being like this at that age.
I feel like, working full time gives me the right to be considered a proper adult. Someone who is a productive member of society. It's not just that though, I associate that work with finally having the money and autonomy to make my own decisions about how I spend my money. Choosing my own clothes and accessories, which to be honest I've never done until this last month really. I've never placed much value in clothing and owning stuff and it always seems like so much hassle and in the past I still had to go through my mum to get money to buy clothes so I would usually just get her to buy it for me and I was so picky that mum would just get annoyed and choose whatever she wanted and buy it if I liked it or not. I always felt guilty asking for money from mum so I lived pretty damn poor for the last...20 years of my life haha. I'm really looking forward to the end of next year. Im planning a really big south American trip for a couple of months. It will be my first time paying for my own overseas trip, my own trip going alone and having my own money and choosing 100% what I want to do. SO PUMPED.
There are heaps of things Im looking forward to finally being able to do. Sadly this world runs on money and now I will finally have it. This means the freedom to finally live independently from my mum, and it probably doesn't mean the same for a lot of people but for me that means to live a healthier lifestyle. The money to buy my own food which I've been doing on and off all year but I didn't always have the money when I was working casual. I would much rather choose fun than healthy food lol.
Working also means access to the hospital gym and hopefully I get into the habit of working out after every shift. Something sustainable and healthy so I can get my shit in order =)
This is what I've wanted since I was a kid, I know it sounds weird but I've always aspired to having a full time job and living a healthy active lifestyle, you know like what all those commercials on tv made me think was what I wanted from life. To be a blond skinny white woman in an apartment living by herself, eating steamed veggies and fish while still wearing her sports bra, Adidas joggers and leggings because she clearly just came back from a run on the beach, while probably washing her face with some cleanser and splashing her face, and waking up to ocean views while eating some low fat yoghurt or Special K.
At least it's not wildly unrealistic right? Hehe
So there's the excitement of my first chance at being able to travel overseas on my own terms, buy my own clothes, buy my own food and work out more easily + a few other things. Like being able to finally start fixing up my room the way I want it! Years I've wanted to! In the old house my room looked like a 9 year old girl girls dream, and this room is plain and sad. I've kept it that way since moving in because I want to make it ME. I HAVE HUGE PLANS! And I have the money now! First purchase (unless I see the perfect couch b4 then) will be a big LCD, hopefully 3D once the OLED's drop around November and everything goes dirt cheap.
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