I'm in bed, I haven't done a pre-bed posting in the longest time. I used to do them every night on my private blog. I just, sort of have a lot of energy but it's 4am and I didn't think I should keep watching 'Girls'. (more on that later)
I think I stopped blogging so intensely because I started turning to friends when I have something on my mind now. I mean, Tim was the ultimate example of that. At the moment, no one is awake and the only person who would have ever been up at this time and the only person I would have subjected to my trivial and minor epiphanies or ideas is no longer fulfilling that role. Normally I would be sad about that but I actually feel pretty good right now, not as alone as I thought I might.
The last 2 days or so have been a little tricky. You would think that after being broken up with someone for almost 8 months would mean that it would all be over now but I think I'm only just starting to wrap things up. This feels a little awkward writing about on here, it's so personal and involves someone else so I feel like its not fair to him to write about it. But uhm, I'm not saying anything bad so it should be okay =)
I guess this week was startling because it made me think that I had realised something, but now I think maybe that realisation was wrong...basically I just had an idea and I was only thinking about it from one perspective. Love is confusing. Especially when there are so many kinds of love and what's the end goal with love anyway. Everyone keeps talking about marriage and that's not my end goal at all. I don't understand why it has even been brought up by those people, they should know me better than that.
I guess I give little importance to marriage because I'm intense when I'm in a relationship. Or maybe I'm not, maybe I just don't understand what the difference is between being in a serious committed relationship and marriage. For me, when I'm dating someone all that matters is that we're happy and feel secure. I guess I see no difference in terms of what I expect from a serious boyfriend and a husband. Basically it's the same right? Love me, respect me, care about me.
Maybe I'm selfish but joint bank accounts has never been something I aspire to in a relationship, my money in mine...and I don't want someone elses money either. That wierds me out that people share their money, it's not that I wouldn't trust my partner. It's more that I wouldn't want them spending my money on something that I thought was stupid, which is pretty much anything I haven't decided to buy already. Yes that's arrogant but, I worked for it =S Why should it be spent on something retarded.
Hmm I guess maybe the difference between a boyfriend and a serious partner would be how great of a potential they have for me to share my life with them. Being able to live together must play a big part at some point. For now I couldn't imagine wanting to live with anyone, all I've ever wanted was to live by myself. Decorate how I want and not have people mess it up. I would go nuts with anyone who didn't keep the house the way I wanted it. Which is mean and I understand that which is why I've never wanted to live with other people. I highly doubt I will find someone that I actually love and who will also find my favourite aesthetic pleasing. And I really don't want someone who is so whipped by me that they let me run their home.
It makes me sad to admit it but I realised during the decline of my relationship with Tim how important career and stability are to me in a serious relationship. It makes me sad to admit it because it makes me feel so girly and like a gold digger but it's not that at all. Like I said, I don't want someone else's money, but I would like for my partner to be financial independent and secure so that I don't ever have to pick up the slack or hold back from enjoying my own money so they don't feel left out. I want an equal. I want someone who I consider an adult. That doesn't mean they have to be boring and serious. It means they have to have the necessary life skills to live a healthy and normal life when they aren't under mommy's love and care. It blows my mind how much some of my friends get babied, and at their ages too! Fark! I suppose it's not so much the problem of getting babied, it's an unappealing circumstance BUT it's worse when they can't handle themselves independently. Jesus Christ, by the time you're 15 really, you should be able to cook for yourself, pick up after yourself without being told to and actually want to clean your mess because the mess grosses you out, do your own laundry and clothes shopping. Now by 21 and older, you should be able to handle your money without it all being blown and without having to ask parents for more money because you already spent it all on something frivolous.
I don't think that last part is much to ask, it's what I expect everyone at my age to be doing. The love part is harder to come by and so I think it's worth holding onto when everything else isn't ideal. Circumstances can change right? People grow up right? Beh.
I've totally gone off track. I actually came here to mention how odd it is that people can all give you the same advice but unless it comes from a specific source it means very little.
I've had this happen to me in a few different areas of my life lately but I guess I can only share one example. This makes me feel like the biggest tool but i'll share anyway, you already know how ugh I can be, may as well hear the rest.
I've always had my mum tell me she thinks I'm pretty and friends have told me but I've always dismissed it completely because 'that's what they have to say'. I generally have felt pretty damn ugly for a long time, and recently someone random that I've been seeing is always telling me now. Somehow his praise is more valid than anyone else's and for the first time in years, I feel pretty again. It's a nice feeling, I hope it lasts. It's so stupid too because it was all in my head, I genuinely feel prettier these days but nothing has changed physically at all. It's all just perspective. I guess I can trust his opinion because he doesn't have to tell me anything because he doesn't care about me, it's not his job to try to build me up either and best of all he has nothing to gain by lying to me. I guess it finally feels real. Beauty is subjective anyway but I guess feeling pretty makes a big difference in terms of confidence and self-esteem. It's nice =)
I'm starting to get sleepy.
Gnight guys
Xx
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