I don't feel too great right now so maybe blogging at this particular point in time isn't the smartest idea because it will be one long whinny emo mess. That being said, I feel like crap and I don't have anyone I can talk to about it who won't want to slap me and gag me.
I don't even know how delicate I have to be because this is still all about the X and even if I don't say his name you probably know exactly who I'm talking about depending on who you are. This has been the longest fucking break up ever. About 2 days short of 8 months, no I'm not crazy I swear, it's just we broke up on new years so it's easy to figure out. Things have changed SO much this year, so many things have happened to me and changed about me, including the dynamics of this pseudo relationship. It's never been tremendously difficult because of how slow and unclean the breakup has been.
I've probably cried about 3 times all up which is nothing compared to how non-stop the tears were the first time we broke up. I guess it's just a testament to how unreal this still all feels for me. Each one of those 3 times I've cried have been in moment's like now, moment's where I realise I've really lost him, including as a friend and it rips me up inside. We've kept up this farce of still being able to count on each other when it really matters but I guess it's still really one sided, just like when we were actually dating.
It hurts me to know he's struggling with something and seeing all the signs and the incredibly clear cry for help he's been sending out the last few days but whenever I try to help I get pushed away. It breaks my heart to know that he doesn't want me to be the one to help anymore. I honestly don't care what the problem is, I mean I'm pretty sure it's an issue that would be awkward for most people to talk to with their x about but lol...it's me. I can handle it because I can put my shit aside, especially if it means that I will help him through a difficult time.
I can hear exactly what most of my friends would be saying to this. I've already heard it all before, multiple times. He's not your problem anymore, stop babying him, you can't be friends with your x, let him learn from his mistakes, let him grow up, stop talking to him.
I DON'T WANT TO.
I care about him, I feel indebted to him, he carried me for so long. Without him I wouldn't have been able to make it this far, he held my hand through all the hard times and got me through it all. I can't let someone who spent that much effort and care on me, struggle and flounder and be left completely alone to deal with his shit. Even after we broke up he's been there for me and looked after me more than anyone else in this world has.
But there is nothing left for me to do, he doesn't want my support or help so I can't force it on him.
That's why I'm sad, because I have to take the back seat and know that he's not okay but that there is nothing I can do. It's hard, and frustrating...and jesus fuck, reminds me of why I don't want to be a parent ever. I've heard about that feeling they get, when they have to let their kids go and let them make their own mistakes, even if it hurts to watch them fuck up. I feel like this is a lot like that.
Beh my friends are all taking the whole, tough love approach. It sucks =.= I wish there was some magic blanket statement that people could say to me to make me feel better about the situation but I know there isn't. I know they are all essentially right in what they are telling me, but that doesn't mean I want to accept it =(
friend: im glad.... cos now you have no excuse...to worry about him! you expend too much emotion and effort on someone that never wanted to talk to you again
But he took it back...=(
The good things he's done still override all the horribly shit things he's done. =(
Anyway...there's nothing I can really say or do, I mean all I can do is try to stop thinking about him and talk to other people about other things and try to forget that he's not okay right now.
In other news, I've done a lot these last couple of days. It would have been nice to blog about it right now but I'm not in the mood after what happened.
=(
Wow so I guess this is what happens when I don't have someone to listen to my every thought haha a shit tonne of posts.
I recently got back from watching a movie marathon at parra. They were showing the two previous batman films. Batman Begings (2005) and The Dark Knight (2008). About 40mins ago midnight screenings of The Dark Knight Rises started across Australia. I have somehow managed to escape every and any shred of Batman related film, animation or comic for the last 21 years. It's always slightly intrigued me why people give a shit and it all sounded stupid to me. His parents are dead so he decided to live in a cave and dress up as a bat...uhm ALRIGHTY then. Now that I've actually seen Batman Begins I finally fucking understand, and all the hundreds of batman arguments and hypothetical situations I've come across finally make sense.
I actually really enjoyed it. I was quite moved, I totally get why Kevin Smith is so obsessed with Batman. I even want to see the new movie. Bah never would have thought that about me, I've wasted so much time hating on films and things when I've actually enjoyed them now that I've given them a chance. It feels like it was almost a little too late lol...me and tim could have actually shared a few more interests had I given things more of a go...oh well. C'est la vie. I even really enjoyed The Avengers...whatttt. I know o.O
Ever since I heard the first episode of the Fatman on Batman podcast I've been keen on watching the 90's animation called Batman: The Animated Series. The podcast has Paul dini, one of the main writers for the show and mannnn, Kev and Dini are so fucking passionate about the story that it made me really want to watch it. It gave it a whole new meaning. I vaguely remember it from when I was a kid but I would always flick the channel. They actually cry during the podcast remembering some of the more touching scenes from the show. It's fucking inspiring! So ...iunno, maybe I shall aquire it and watch it slowly. Fatman on Batman here
I really really love Kevin Smith, although honestly I'm not a huge fan of his films. The only one (of the handful that I've seen) that I enjoyed was Zac and Miri but for some reason he NEVER talks about that one, almost like he's ashamed of it or something which is odd because the man is big on self-deprecating humour. Actually, I enjoyed Red State a fair bit ...especially in comparison to Clerks. Clerks was kinda dull but mostly it left me with a sour taste in my mouth. It made me feel like a shitty person by the end of it. I think I respected Red State more because I felt like I was so involved in the production of that movie, listening to all the Q&A and podcasts about the making before it was even released so I was pumped and inspired by the distribution process before they even wrapped.
What I do love about Kevin Smith are his podcasts. He is fucking hilarious, and super inspiring. My fav is still smodcast =D He's so fucking stonned in some of them, it becomes hard to follow his train of thought but I love it. It's so indicative of a high, it seems so personal in a wierd way. Then Mosier will bringing him back into reality, it's awesome.
On another completely unrelated note. I got paid....and I have a shopping itch. I saw all these awesome earings yesterday and I don't know. Blah. I'm thinking of grabbing them tomorrow. I also feel like I need a pair of flat comfy boots...I just need to find the right ones. Some of them bug me a lot, argh I'm so picky with that kinda shit. That's why I don't like deciding that I need a particular item because I can never find what I see in my head. Or there's the tonnes of clothes online I was going to buy but stopped myself. EEP. Hmm I need more concealer. Blargh I feel like a girl =(
Anyway I'm super tired right now, I only slept 3 hrs last night and I had a really full day today.
xx
ps:I met a baby today O.O Held it and everything...it was wierd. It creeped me out, as soon as she was in my arms I instantly had visions of the cute bows I could put on her sweet little head and the adorable bear jumpsuit I could buy for her. GAWD I don't like motherly instincts because I know they're hardwired into me. I don't want to fall into that trap! I dislike children. I DO! I swear =(
I'm in a really great mood again =) I was super tired and ready for a nap when I got home but plans were made and now I'm waiting on people to show up.
So thanks to my dearest Aunty, I found out that I start full time on August 13. I tried calling the right people but no one would get back to me. I was starting to freak out that maybe they had retracted the offer or something. o.o The next day I fnally got an email from the co-ordinator telling me and the other newgrads to come into work for a pre-orientation type deal and get our uniforms fitted. This was really frustratingly unorganised. I got the email at 4pm telling me to come in at 9am the next day, I didn't check my email the entire day and just happened to be going through my mail at 4am and saw that email. Luckily I saw it, I mean, it was no great loss if I hadn't gone, this just means I'll have my uniform on time as opposed to the others who will have to wear casual clothes for the first week or so while they get their uniforms made.
I'm pretty pumped to have a uniform again. I don't wear one in mental health, something about making the patients feel less institutionalized. It means being less worried about what I wear haha it's great.
OH and I found out I'm going to a gastro ward which is pretty good, it was one of my options although I sorta forgot about it. I was more keen on cardio or med/surg but I'll take what I can get, plus I've already done 2 months in cardio, I should go somewhere new. Looks like i'll probably apply for ICU after I finish up with gastro. I really hope I get in, I know I will freak out HARD every day and it's going to be a really steep learning curve but...who gives a shit! That's how you learn, you can't achieve anything great in life without putting in a substantial amount of effort. It has to be earned and I'm totally down for it now. I'm so happy. I was so fucking scared for the last...3 years! jesus. I'm so glad I took these 6 months off, I feel like I've grown and accomplished so much, maybe not on paper but in my mind and that's where it really counts.
Since the email was so last minute only two of us showed up today and I'm pumped! The two co-ordinators are super nice and this other newgrad is pretty mad, we hung out a little after.
I'm in bed, I haven't done a pre-bed posting in the longest time. I used to do them every night on my private blog. I just, sort of have a lot of energy but it's 4am and I didn't think I should keep watching 'Girls'. (more on that later)
I think I stopped blogging so intensely because I started turning to friends when I have something on my mind now. I mean, Tim was the ultimate example of that. At the moment, no one is awake and the only person who would have ever been up at this time and the only person I would have subjected to my trivial and minor epiphanies or ideas is no longer fulfilling that role. Normally I would be sad about that but I actually feel pretty good right now, not as alone as I thought I might.
The last 2 days or so have been a little tricky. You would think that after being broken up with someone for almost 8 months would mean that it would all be over now but I think I'm only just starting to wrap things up. This feels a little awkward writing about on here, it's so personal and involves someone else so I feel like its not fair to him to write about it. But uhm, I'm not saying anything bad so it should be okay =)
I guess this week was startling because it made me think that I had realised something, but now I think maybe that realisation was wrong...basically I just had an idea and I was only thinking about it from one perspective. Love is confusing. Especially when there are so many kinds of love and what's the end goal with love anyway. Everyone keeps talking about marriage and that's not my end goal at all. I don't understand why it has even been brought up by those people, they should know me better than that.
I guess I give little importance to marriage because I'm intense when I'm in a relationship. Or maybe I'm not, maybe I just don't understand what the difference is between being in a serious committed relationship and marriage. For me, when I'm dating someone all that matters is that we're happy and feel secure. I guess I see no difference in terms of what I expect from a serious boyfriend and a husband. Basically it's the same right? Love me, respect me, care about me.
Maybe I'm selfish but joint bank accounts has never been something I aspire to in a relationship, my money in mine...and I don't want someone elses money either. That wierds me out that people share their money, it's not that I wouldn't trust my partner. It's more that I wouldn't want them spending my money on something that I thought was stupid, which is pretty much anything I haven't decided to buy already. Yes that's arrogant but, I worked for it =S Why should it be spent on something retarded.
Hmm I guess maybe the difference between a boyfriend and a serious partner would be how great of a potential they have for me to share my life with them. Being able to live together must play a big part at some point. For now I couldn't imagine wanting to live with anyone, all I've ever wanted was to live by myself. Decorate how I want and not have people mess it up. I would go nuts with anyone who didn't keep the house the way I wanted it. Which is mean and I understand that which is why I've never wanted to live with other people. I highly doubt I will find someone that I actually love and who will also find my favourite aesthetic pleasing. And I really don't want someone who is so whipped by me that they let me run their home.
It makes me sad to admit it but I realised during the decline of my relationship with Tim how important career and stability are to me in a serious relationship. It makes me sad to admit it because it makes me feel so girly and like a gold digger but it's not that at all. Like I said, I don't want someone else's money, but I would like for my partner to be financial independent and secure so that I don't ever have to pick up the slack or hold back from enjoying my own money so they don't feel left out. I want an equal. I want someone who I consider an adult. That doesn't mean they have to be boring and serious. It means they have to have the necessary life skills to live a healthy and normal life when they aren't under mommy's love and care. It blows my mind how much some of my friends get babied, and at their ages too! Fark! I suppose it's not so much the problem of getting babied, it's an unappealing circumstance BUT it's worse when they can't handle themselves independently. Jesus Christ, by the time you're 15 really, you should be able to cook for yourself, pick up after yourself without being told to and actually want to clean your mess because the mess grosses you out, do your own laundry and clothes shopping. Now by 21 and older, you should be able to handle your money without it all being blown and without having to ask parents for more money because you already spent it all on something frivolous.
I don't think that last part is much to ask, it's what I expect everyone at my age to be doing. The love part is harder to come by and so I think it's worth holding onto when everything else isn't ideal. Circumstances can change right? People grow up right? Beh.
I've totally gone off track. I actually came here to mention how odd it is that people can all give you the same advice but unless it comes from a specific source it means very little.
I've had this happen to me in a few different areas of my life lately but I guess I can only share one example. This makes me feel like the biggest tool but i'll share anyway, you already know how ugh I can be, may as well hear the rest.
I've always had my mum tell me she thinks I'm pretty and friends have told me but I've always dismissed it completely because 'that's what they have to say'. I generally have felt pretty damn ugly for a long time, and recently someone random that I've been seeing is always telling me now. Somehow his praise is more valid than anyone else's and for the first time in years, I feel pretty again. It's a nice feeling, I hope it lasts. It's so stupid too because it was all in my head, I genuinely feel prettier these days but nothing has changed physically at all. It's all just perspective. I guess I can trust his opinion because he doesn't have to tell me anything because he doesn't care about me, it's not his job to try to build me up either and best of all he has nothing to gain by lying to me. I guess it finally feels real. Beauty is subjective anyway but I guess feeling pretty makes a big difference in terms of confidence and self-esteem. It's nice =)
I've been meaning to write up about my experience at the Vipassana meditation course. It was an all round fantastic experience on several different levels. I've thought about how I would explain it a couple times and there is just so much to write. I've decided that in the interest of time and due to my procrastination I may as well offer up this tiny bit of my take on the course and it's teachings.
This email was sent to my dad who has already done an extensive amount of research into the course so I'm sorry if you've never heard about this style of meditation. I can't be bothered giving it an intro, check a few posts back on this blog and you'll get a bit of an overview.
Also take into account that this email is trying to calm my dad down and convince him to go and that it's worth while if he goes into the experience without expecting miracles and some sort of divine epithany. My dad was actually how I found out about the course but I ended up doing it without him and now he's finally found the time to go and has booked himself in.
Here we go::
hola!! Hmm i think it's probably better to go in clear and not knowing that much because you have less expectations. In saying that, I think only knowing a bit will only make you stress more.
Some of the people who go expect too much from the technique and from themselves, they want results straight away and that's not how it works. It takes time to 'master the technique', when I left, I still couldn't feel as much as some of the other students. BUT THAT IS OKAY. What they constantly tell you and try to get you to believe on a fundamental level is that your progress doesn't have to match anyone elses, everyone is different so don't stress out and think that you are 'behind', this isn't a race.
That all probably raises a lot of questions in your mind in terms of what you might feel through the technique. When I went, I had no idea what to expect. I wasn't all that familiar with meditating, I had a vague idea that you clear your mind and try to shut your brain off. What I learnt on the retreat is that there are lots of different ways to meditate and this technique is very particular. That is why they want you to learn it on a 10 day course and not by just using audio tapes or videos online. You really need to be immersed in the experience of having limited outside sensory stimulation to really kickstart your learning of this technique, and not just to learn the technique but to take up the value system they try to impart.
It's all kind of complicated and beautiful.
Basically the retreat teaches 2 main things. The technique of meditating, so the practical element. While also teaching how to be a good person....if you can really teach that. That is why I feel the experience was really beneficial for me and worked quickly, if not in the practical sense but at least to revitalise that moral compass.
On a practical sense, you basically just sit there, try incredibly hard to block out all your thoughts which will most likely take you a few days before you can do that for a whole hour. At the same time, you are feeling your body, feeling every sensation that springs up, wether it be an itch, a tingle, a numb foot or sore ankles. They actually teach you a very specific way of doing this, the order, and how you are supposed to think about what u are feeling. So pay attention and do exactly what they say!
The retreat sells itself and gets a lot of people trying it by making a pretty damn HUGE claim: to alleviate human suffering. I was pretty sceptical of that claim and because of that, I came into the retreat with the lowest of expectations because I thought it was laughable that anyone would even suggest being able to do that.
They say that to be truly happy, you have to be a good person. I think it's very difficult to start teaching someone a new set of values and morals past the age of about 5 so I think that is where this technique fails with some people. You can meditate all you want, but if you continue to do bad things, bad things will happen to you in return. Not even in a silly, magical karma way, but unless you are a sociopath, your conscience will weigh you down and make you miserable. So in essence, being a bad person and spreading negativity will stop you from being truly happy.
So i feel lucky that I grew up in a family that does value being good, and compassionate and empathetic. Being an advocate for those who are incapable of standing up for themselves, treating people with respect even if they hurt you and not being a vindictive person. The type of people who cry when they see someone suffering. Obviously no one is perfect and we all have our bad days, but I'm glad they passed on the importance of those traits. These are the types of values that Goenka speaks about every night in the daily discourse.
SO all this 'good person' stuff probably doesn't get as much attention as it deserves by everyone taking the course. Most people get caught up in the technique. I noticed that in the blogs I read too. Which in the end, is great and all and it does serve it's own unique purpose, it does help you break down the negativity and bad things that you hold onto, it helps you sharpen and train your mind BUT I see it in the same way as, you don't need to sit in church every sunday to be Christian. Just in the same way that you don't need to become fully enlightened the first time you practice this technique to reap it's benefits and become a happier human being.
I also want to mention that this is not religious in the slightest so don't think that it is and get put off by the idea. Personally I felt like it was a religious experience for me because it reminded me of the way I used to approach my faith. The whole technique and way of life has a very humanist approach. Anyone of any faith or background should be able to practice this without it interfering or contradicting anything.
One of the most beautiful things that Goeka said that really struck a chord with me was "God is love". No matter what religion or belief, in the end, every God, wether it be the Buddah's, Alah or the Trimurti, they all imparts basically the same message. Be good and love your fellow man. Religion then gets all messed up and complicated because of human interpretation but in the end they all want the same thing. They teach that you need to become a better person and to bring peace and happiness to everyone.
lol I went a little overboard explain haha but i think that covers the general gist of it all.
Babybear!
Nope, I don't know why I wanted to call you that.
YES YOU! Ahh fuck it, I can't be bothered writting to you individually knowing that at some point one day, someone I barely know, or don't know at all will read this. It will bug me knowing that I referred to you in an affectionate way.
ANYWAYYYY
No excuses as to my lack of posting, it's the same as always. Hopefully this little writting experience will suffice and overwhelm you with more about me and from me than you ever remoetly cared about or wanted to know. I'm at the place where I'm awake at night and I'm bored but can't access a lot of internet sites, but can't refer to this place by it's real name incase there are ever any legal proceedings lol. Yeh...that place. SO expect and epicly long post...actually, don't. I'm not really feeling it now and I'm sleepy. I'm just taking the opportunity now that it's presented to me. I hate posting blogs without pictures =.= I feel like they are needed to break up the massive amount of txt.
Anywhoozle.
Right now I'm a little tired to be overly enthused but I've been having a pretty damn good time, consistently too. No overridding conflicts or emotions that keep popping up so that's good. I guess usually the source of those conflicts came from Tim drama but things have been real settled lately and it's great, I'm probably jinxing it now. Part of my brain just got annoyed for even saying that jinxing things is an actual thing =.= Ugh whatever brain! I'll say what I wantttt, you can't get annoyed at me just because someone may read this one day and think I'm some sort of superstitious twat.
The closest thing to drama recently was my pre-occupation with some pointless txts I was getting, a close friend talking about what could be and acting all tortured soul. Like...fuck off. Why even bring something up that you know can't/won't happen. Just wasted my time being concerned about what could go wrong if we proceed in a particular way. It's like me being upset and worried that I might die from testicular cancer...oh but wait, I've never had balls, nor will that ever be the case. SO FUCK OFF.
Zennnnn =P
Hmm I guess I'll just document some of the things I've been up to in chronological order. I've really enjoyed my break b4 I start working full time. I feel like I've grown a lot during this time, I've experienced so many things and I'm so glad I took the time off, even if it was for the wrong reasons initially. It was worth it in the end =)
FISH MARKETS:
So the day after dining at The Roosevelt, my dad decided he wanted to have lunch at the Sydney Fish Market seeing as we were still in the CBD. I've been there maybe twice and it never fails to dissapoint me. I always expect to be blown away by the fish there and I never am. I think even if I didn't expect it to be amazing I would still be dissapointed. The food is never even remotly fresh, I've had better take away fish in the burbs.
I think I've never had amazing seafood. I would like to, I mean, I've had some that was tasty as opposed to bland like every other time I eat seafood, but nothing mindblowing. Mind you food has only amazed me a handful of times, actually more than that, maybe like, 6 or 7 times. None of those experiences have ever been with seafood, although I guess proportionally it makes sense. Considering the amount of times we eat in our lives, 6 or 7 times of being really impressed with food is miniscule (and dissapointing) and since I eat seafood much less often in general, the chances are even lower of finding something special.
I would love to learn how to cook with seafood too. I've never worked with fish, and the only way my gran makes fish is by deep frying which is nice n all but meh. I've considered taking a class there at the fish markets but ehhhh, I'm in no hurry, there's plenty of other foods I'd rather play around with. Speaking of, I've got my first cooking class next week. I'm excited, I only recently-ish discovered how easy it is to make new foods and have them turn out nice.
WAREHOUSE PARTY:
How douchey does that sound aye! It wasn't too bad, I expected a lot more hipsters. Instead it was just a lot of locals who seem pretty chill and substantial amount of european backpackers. This was my first warehouse party and I was super pumped. I had visions of masses of sweaty bodies moving in unison to the wonderfully bass heavy beats, hectic light shows, fucked up people trashed out of their minds, strangers exchanging bodily fluids, and you know, an abandoned warehouse. Instead I got a loft no bigger than my modest home, 70's disco with electro beats over the top, with 2 cheap rotating disco lights that you can pick up at most $2 shops next to their fine selection of lava lamps and fiber optic lights. There probably wasn't more than 100 people.
I still had a really great time but nonetheless was dissapointed. I met a bunch of kool backpackers who really saved the night but I honestly felt ashamed as an Australian lol. These backpackers had come in search for this 'secret' warehouse party because they were sick of the clubbing scene and wanted to go to a good ole' rave like they're used to back home and then were met with THAT. Ugh...fail.
Either way, we all got pretty smashed which hadn't happened for ages, I mean, yes I was drunk the night prior but that was way classier haha. It was interesting to compare the drinking experience though.
Friday night I got drunk on expensive spirits and cocktails, the next day, no hangover and I got the real nice face numbness while I was intoxicated. The type of numb you get when you have a lozenge that numbs the back of your throat, except drunk numbness begins with the tongue, then the lips and as the night progresses extends to the cheeks.
Saturday night I got drunk off a sack of goon that was drunk straight from the bag and shared around with anyone who walked passed and looked friendly. I had so much goon poured over my that night haha. Because I wasn't with my dad I was able to let lose and there was lots of dancing and being stupid so I let myself lose that restraint I had around my dad. There are lots of parts of that night that I forgot even happened until I rehashed the night with a friend a few days afterwards. I wasn't even aware that I had blank spots in my mind. The next day, there was a definite hangover haha. Cheap wine = ridiculous amount of sediment and just..crap that makes u feel like shit the next day. I rarely get hangovers and I guess this wasn't that bad, I just had an uneasy stomach for most of the day but no headaches or sensitivity to noise/light unlike my friends.
Hmm my friends said they loved it and if they had to choose between a night at hot damn and a night at a warehouse party, they would choose the party. I would choose hot damn. This isn't saying much because both places are pretty crap but at least the music is better and more varried at hot damn. What I did like about the 'warehouse' was that there isn't very tight security so pretty much anything goes. It was BYO which is fantastic, and you can smoke inside which is a lovely change and people are openly doing illicit substances without any fear of reprisal, which is hectic if that's your thing =P
All in all, good night. Something new and fun and ended up at the Cross afterwards. None of us remember why the fuck we went there because I know we didn't go to any more bars or clubs while we were there =S FAT PANDA:
I got dinner with jamie, courtney and tim there the next day. I've eaten there a couple times and their sushi train is generally not all that fresh so I always ask to order. The service there is pretty great though, the owner always gives us a free sample of something and is pretty chatty with all the patrons. The only reason I'm writting about this is more because I was annoyed at the misunderstanding that night. I wanted a bento box but they said they only do that for lunch but would give me their dinner version, so I chose 2 things to be included. The chick then brought out two main meals...main meals are not ONE bentobox you dumbass, The food was super awesome! Best beef I have tried locally in a longgggggg time, and the chicken teriaki and mash potatoes was LOVELY. I was annoyed though, it was way too much food.
Circus:
The day after I went to Circus ..training? with Jamie and Tim at UNSW. No, none of us study there lol, yes I felt like a bit of a tooley. None of us are even students at any educational institution haha. So circus is a place where people get together once a week and practice skills like fire twirling, stilt walking, juggling, acrobatics, poi, unicycling and that day, wrestling. I chose to stick with fire twirling and it was fun, wayyyyy easier than I expected.
This all came about because of Tim's whacky and forever changing hobbies. He bought a fire staff or watever they're called when we were at Katoomba and started teaching me the basics back then. I took to it so easily that I figured why not go to the class. Haha yes, it's a bad attitude to have but ehhh, it's how I work. What attitude you ask? The one where I don't try anything because I just assume I won't be any good, usually I am correct. Turns out fire twirling is more about timing and patterns and less about being highly co-ordinated (which i am not), I mean, yeah the harder stuff requires some finesse but for now, I'm good. I don't know if i'll go again, maybe if I have nothing else to do but there is no real need. The class is less of a class and more of a bunch of people playing around until they finally get how to do it. It's more about borrowing the equipment than being taught how to do stuff because there are no formal teachers.
Tim's really good =D
Tourists:
The previous blog post mentioned that I was headed to the city to meet matt. We ended up in Manly and doing some site seeing with some of his buddies from his year on exchange in Finland. It was fun but everyone was pretty drained for various reasons. The really made me want to travel some more.
For now, my plan is that at the end of my newgrad program next year I'm going on a holiday. I'll just save up my salary all year and I'll have more than enought to travel comfortable for a few months. At the moment my plan was actually just to go to Chile for a month and do the usual, stay in the north at our families apartment, visit family and party with the cousins but maybe I should do some actual travelling. See the rest of chile? I don't know, the idea puts me off a little. I feel like I will need a lot of time to do this properly and I don't particularly feel like going on one of those holidays. I just wanna chill. Who knows, I haven't even sorted out when I finish newgrad and there is always the possibility that I might just take up a full time permanent position during the year if a good enough offer comes my way, problem with that is that I won't be able to take a long holiday and I'd have to wait a full year before I could take my work holiday.
The other option is that I can travel Europe too and actually go to a lot of places, I mean, I'll have the time and money but ehhhh I'm just not feeling it right now. The last time I did that I was 16 and it had me beat, this time would be way different though, there would be a significant increase in the amount of partying haha.
Ehhh who know's this is still a year away, it's too soon to tell.
Reddit Pubcrawl:So on the Friday I ended up going to Newtown for the r/sydney pubcrawl. Reddit is a relatively new thing in my life. I've gotten really into it over the last month, I love it! It feels like such a community if you participate in some of the smaller subreddits of interest. I wasn't too sure about the pubcrawl though, I don't hang out in r/sydney and to be honest, I thought it would be a bunch of socially awkward nerds that would make me feel alientated for not being into gaming and anime as much as them. Turns out I was way off. These people were really awesome and super chatty and friendly. Everyone was so receptive to conversation, it was really refreshing and interesting. Even the types of people who showed up suprised me a little...yes I know, I'm a bitch for judging everyone so harshly b4 meeting them. Reddit is such a large community and there is literally a place for everyone there so the people are super varied. Clearly it was stupid for me to think people would be socially awkward, they were all a bunch of people who wanted to go get drunk and meet new people. OF COURSE they were going to be friendly and open, durrrr. I had a great night and I'm totally down to go to more meet ups.
FOODS:
I've been eating at restaurants a shit tonne lately...lol the whole lite n easy thing flew out the window but I'm going to start up again in August. The only one worth mentioning here is Wenty leagues. I went there the other night with Stef and Angel and it's pretty great, but only because stef knows all the kitchen staff haha. They're always super nice to us and ended up getting free food...or well, we thought it was free haha, turns out someone paid for us which was super sweet of them.
TED:
Ended up watching Ted the other night. I hadn't even seen the trailer but I was pleasantly suprised. SO new rule: never watch a movie trailer again if I'm going to the cinema. Trailers raise my expectations way up high and makes me rip the movie to shreds while I'm watching it. I really enjoyed Ted, I laughed heaps and there was lots of little things that captured my mind. Mostly the love the couple had for each other, that silly goofy comfortable kind of love and attraction. Reminded me of Tim...*sigh*
Beh I have to give the computer away, I actually have a few more things to write about lol. Oh and since I never wrote about the Vipassana meditation retreat I'm just going to post an email I sent my dad about it.
=D
NOTE: this post has been stuck on my phone for a few days. I never finished it because I got to my destination b4 I was done and then it wouldn't save or upload until I removed the pics. BLOGGER APP, I'm very dissapointed in you, you used to work so seemlessly. You fucking SUCK now, half the time my posts go missing or they just won't post if there is an image attached, this was never a problem b4. YOU FAIL! I paid actual money for you, I expect you to actually update shit and fix ur bugs. Add-it:
Hola!!
I'm on my way to meet Matty in the city. We're meeting up with some of his friends who flew into Aus this week. So we're showing them around the city XD
Life is really great right now. I've been on a real good streak for awhile. Although I can't really remember much from before Friday. My dad flew into Aus last week so we met up on Friday and spent some time together. We saw Brave (I fell asleep, didn't love it, wasn't horrible though).
Actually we did a lot. Had a lite lunch at the Lindt Cafe, went shopping, got some drinks before the movie, headed back to the hotel and then went to The Roosevelt. Ahhh man! I was so happy, because I booked online so last minute it was hard to secure the booking and I had been wanting to go for ages but everyone's always too broke to come with me.
The Roosevelt deserves it's own post! With lovely foodie pics, but alas, I did not take any and even if I had they would have been crap haha I don't know how to take good pics. So basically the place is a cocktail bar that also serves food and several nights a week does a degustation dinner party. There is a theme that lasts all season and the food matches the story and feel of the theme, and so do the cocktails! Take heed! This experience is NOT for lite weights. I wouldn't say I'm a bigggg drinker but I can hold my own for quite a while before I'm out of the game. These cocktails are pretty strong, i feel like I tried every alcohol under the sun that day haha, but by the time the 3rd course came round things were already getting blurry. I feel my dads presence most likely sobered me up a fair bit and kept me in control for longer but I couldn't feel my tongue or lips by the end of the dinner lol. Well worth the $150. You get a 5 course meal and 5 cocktails to accompany each dish.
The cocktails were spectacular by the way! This place is truly different in that it's not just a bunch of guys flair tending. They are proper mixologists, who really know their shit. They give you really great descriptions of what they are mixing and doing and usually a bit of history too. Every one who works there is impeccable, from their hair, to their perfectly manicured moustaches. They have so much charisma and charm, it's hard not to swoon when they talk to you. They really put on a show, never once did I see a grumpy face or a pissed off waiter. Amazing service.
The food was tasty but I wouldn't go there expecting to leave full. It is a degustation course after all, so tiny tiny meals but lots of them. To be honest, I bought a kebab from the cross right after, mostly to sober myself up haha. I had already had a couple drinks before getting there and ordered one waiting for dinner to begin so I was pretty sloshy. It was great, that rarely happens.
The whole experience was almost like a Heston's feasts dinning experience. The theme for the night was a trip into the woods. It was so adorable, so much attention to detail!
That night I stayed at the hotel with my dad and ahhhh <3 that bed! I think these texts capture the feel quite well:
Me: Zomg this bed is amazing. Feathers everywhere. Did birds have to die for me to sleep comfortably tonight? =S
Mate: Yes...yes they did. But take pride in the fact that your the dominent species.
Me: Hmm that's suddenly morbid. I now feel like I'm lying of several dead, increadibly fluffy, birds. It still feels good.
Mate: Haha yeh, that's the point of rich people shit, no matter how bad u feel for the slaughter of animals for your personal gain, the amount of comfort you gain for that little sacrifice...always worth it.
Me: Well I shant let our avain friends be murdered in vain. I'm going to sleep all up on them! gnightttt
So one day I was hanging out with Kurt and we realised that there are some pretty wacky sayings in the spanish language.
Each Spanish speaking country has their own sayings, metaphors and similies but these are a few that I have collected over the last year or so.
Every time I hear my mum or grandma say a new one I text Kurt XD It has become somewhat of a little tradition for me now =]
Saying: La negrita astuta vende fruta.
Direct Translation: The (Astute, cunning, sly, crafty, fraudulent) cute/little black girl sells fruit.
Meaning: This saying is said as a sort of warning that you are/someone else is a cocktease
Saying: No calientes el agua (si no vas a tomar té)
Direct Translation: Don't heat the water if you're not going to drink tea
Meaning: This is also a sort of warning to someone who is being a cocktease. Kind of like, don't flirt and lead someone on if you have no intention of hooking up with them. It is also a play on words because in Spanish (Chilean at least) the word calentar (to heat) is also used informally as a way to say 'make horny'. So 'estoy caliente' = I'm hot BUT it means I'm horny. If you wanted to say I'm hot (because of the weather) you would say 'tengo calor'
Tongue Twister: Tres tristes tigres trigo trillaron tranquilos tragaron
Translation: Three sad tigers, wheat they threshed (To separate the grain from the straw or husks by mechanical beating), calmly they swallowed.
Tongue Twister:Pedro Pablo Pérez Pereira pobre pintor portugués pinta paisajes por poca plata para pasar por París
Translation: Pedro Pablo Pérez Pereira poor Portugese painter paints landscapes for little money to pass through Paris.
Saying:Buscarle la quinta pata al gato
Direct Translation:To look for the 5th leg of the cat
Meaning: Looking for problems when there clearly aren't any in that situation, so you're over thinking it and overcomplicating yourself.
Saying: Para ser bella hay que ver estrellas
Direct Translation: To be beautiful you have to see stars
Meaning: I'm guessing this is a fairly old saying because my grandad said it to me once, I kind of fell in love with this little rhyme/mantra. It means that no pain is too great to endure in order to look your best, this particularly refers to women having to wear painful shoes (stilettos) because it makes their legs look hot, wearing tight clothing to show off curves, waxing, plucking, dying hair, and I suppose nowadays you could extend that into getting cosmetic surgery. Just to clarify, my grandad wasn't a dick, I remember the saying coming up because we were watching a show with really attractive women and I was in awe of them and he explained that constructed superficial beauty comes at a price =) Oh and if you don't get the imagery, it's based on seeing "stars" when you hit your head/get dizzy, like if you've ever seen the cartoon representation of stars around the head when they get hit.
*To be continued
To Do.
Here's a list of some of the things I would like to do or accomplish or places I want to visit in my lifetime =]
* I have already been there, done that or started to read that but would like to do it again or complete the task
-- The task is completed and I don't feel the need to do a repeat