Warning: This is a fucking long post! I am not bothered going back and fixing all the typos just yet, maybe later.
Hola amigos!
I just backlogged that last post about the cruise, I had saved it on my phone and never actually published it. I'm not meant to be writting this right now because of where I am but I need to keep entertained somehow. It's pretty obvious where I am right? I just don't want to spell it out incase there are some sort of legal implications in the future lol.
So shortly after my last post I got off the train at Wynyard, and swiftly found my way to the meet up point on the warf. The night kind of self-combusted and started it's demise about 2mins after I got off the train. It started pouring down rain as I headed over to Cargo Bar and I got mega soaked. I was getting anxious because I didn't want to miss boarding and I was cutting it close. Once I got there I looked even more retarded than when I had left home seeing as I was now a mess of heavy wet fabrics and wet hair. It wasn't pretty but ehhh what can you do. So I'm trying to figure out where this boat is because there are clearly none all along the wharf where I am and there are very few people seeing as it's pouring down. Luckily I found a group who were also looking for the cruise, so I stuck with them and we eventually found it.
I finally spotted Jamie and Dani, thanks to what I believe was a top hat and bright pink hair. I might be mistaken about the top hat but I generally seem to envision Jamie wearing one even when he isn't. o.O The 2nd thing I notice is Rachele and that's when I knew my night was pretty much dead there and then lol. The poor thing was being proded up by Jamie so I got under her other arm and kept her upright...until her legs gave way. *sigh* She was having one of her dizzy spells =( This has been a regular occurance for her since probably year 11 (so like..5 years?) and seeing as we stayed together a lot in senior years I'm pretty used to seeing this happen. We knew that getting on the boat with her in that condition wasn't a good idea but it was a problem seeing as we had all paid to go. I felt bad for Danni who had been raving about this for a few days now so seeing as I couldn't leave rache behind and I was already soaked and feeling icky I decided to stay back with her and that way at least not everyone would waste their money.
Luckily rachel was feeling better after that so we got some food in her while I attempted the futile task of getting dry with the hand dryers in all the places we stopped. We spent ages in starbucks just talking and stuff which was nice. It's really easy to be open with her =) I think we've shared a lot of similar experiences so it makes it easier. So at least it wasn't a terrible waste and she didn't die on me or anything so all's good. It would have been nice to go on the cruise though =( Especially after all the hassel of getting out to the city and getting dressed and soaked and spending money I probably shouldn't have. Plus I haven't been clubbing in ages...lol and the music wasn't as onboxious as I thought it might be haha. I could hear it playing while people were boarding. To be honest I was expecting back to back songs from backstreetboys, nsync, spice girls and aqua. I'm not saying I hate them but one or two songs is enough nostaligia for one night =P
In the end it was an okay night, eventful and I got to see people and I ended up hanging out with Tim on my way home anyway so that's always fun (nowadays =P).
The day after was alright too. Tim came over to bring me back my phone and ended up staying with Garry and calling over Jamie and Kianie. Tim and Garry both wanted to dye their hair blue and since they couldn't find anyone who actually knew how to do it, they decided to just wing it with my help. Collectively their hair was dyed 8 times with only Tim's really turning out close to what he wanted. Garry's turned out grey =S They used different products *sigh* At least by the end of it Garry's hair was one colour and looking better than what it had been before the 3rd dye job lol. Needless to say Garry was not pleased, especially since the end product was pretty similar to his natural colour. I think he's dying it back to brown sometime soon lol
A few of us hung out at Cooks Hill last night too. It was good, I'm pleased with the frequency that I'm seeing people these days. It's very consistent, it makes me feel safe lol. It was me, tim, jamie, kianie, warren, garry and Sandra. Sadly my night was cut short because I had work this morning but I'm glad I went. To be honest I felt like a bit of a tool. I started lite n easy a week and a bit ago, so it means I can't eat out or drink alcohol. This makes socializing a little awkward. Sitting at restaurants and not ordering food is wierd, I always feel like "why did you even come" and get all paranoid about people thinking I'm lame for going out just for the company. I have no real qualms with the no eating and drinking bit, I'm always full these days and I've never been a huge drinker (I just feel more comfortable holding a glass in my hands).
The lite n easy thing has taken up a lot of my head lately which is more than it deserves. I initially started because Tim, Warren and I...actually no, Tim kind of forced us into agreeing into a weightloss/gain challenge. Warren and I both need to lose weight by the new year and Tim needs to gain it by July (I think). There's been a few punishments set out for each person, except I can't remember what tim's is. If I don't reach my goal I have to attend Friday Night Magic every week until I do. I really can't wrap my head around that game, I don't really get the point of it all so I stop caring and give up easily. Warren has to do zumba classes with me TEHEHEHE and Tim....I'm really not sure.
So I half-heartedly comitted to this, just like how I go to the gym. I never set any goals with the gym and I never joined with the idea of losing weight, it was more about doing something good for my body, plus it's a positive social activity. There are so few of those left. Everything generally involves over-indulging in food, alcohol or smoking, so at least with the gym I'm doing some good and suprisingly it's actually fun.
As for lite n easy, Logan (one of Jamie's friends) has been posting on fb a lot about it lately and how much weight he's losing and being really open about it so I figured I may as well give it a go, sure it's expensive ($130 a week) but before this I was spending roughly $100-$150 on food and drinks a week anyway (all of which was bad for me) so I figured I didn't really have anything to lose.
I've tried lite n easy once before and I really didn't like it. I felt like it was way too much food and I constantly felt ill. I couldn't handle such frequent meals and big breakfasts and by the 2nd or 3rd day I was leaving half of my food and snacks so it was going to waste. I only did it for a week and gave up. This time it's different in a lot of ways. Since the last time I tried it my eating patterns have changed, I graze a bit more throughout the day so my stomach was more prepared. I also have more money coming in so I can pay for it myself and don't feel bad asking my mum to cover it. What I did realise this morning though was that, I think the main reason it didn't work last time was because during that week I tried it I was working morning shifts in a nursing home, waking up at 4;45am every day and starting breakfast then. My body can't handle breakfast that early in the morning, it makes me want to throw up and the feeling lasts all day. I only noticed that today because today was the first day in ages that I had to wake up early for a morning shift. Seeing as most days I wake up around 3pm now, that's not a problem. I need to work on that...lol.
Waking up late is so much better, nothing good ever happens in the morning, plus socializing always happens in the evening and seeing as I generally only work arvo's and nights, that sleeping pattern fits in better. Regardless, I'm going to tryyyy to shift it a little, at least to waking up at 11am. That way I get more than an hour of light a day. Not that I ever venture out directly into the sun but...you know, it's a pain. Mostly because the light in my room is broken and I've been using a little reading lamp to light the whole thing. Much too dark and it makes me lazy. I don't like attempting to clean it when it's that dark so my room stays perpetually messy and un-dusted.
EHEHE I just finished reading Jamie's post. It was good, a start to a short story. I want to keep reading lol, it was nice to get out of my head for those few minutes haha. Blogging like this is very ..uhm, all consuming/self-indulgent. It makes me not want to write about my annoying and insignificant ramblings that have been in my head for far too long. There are more important things to think about...*sigh*
Regardless, I will finish! Because I started and I want to get the ideas that have been floating around in my brain out. Hopfully blogging them will keep them out and make room for new thoughts.
So back to the lite n easy bullshit.
*pause* I went to the kitchen to heat up some food and just had the crap scared out of me by ...hmm i guess i can't tell that story without directly saying where i am lol. oh well
anyway!
Lite n easy.
So down sides: makes socializing/leaving your house a hassel. You really have to plan ahead, swap meals around and stuff especially if components are frozen. It overcomplicates things. It's really hard to eat every 2-3hrs when you have a life!
Another is feeling like a bit of a dick eating pre-packaged meals when your out, more so when you're in a pub/restaurant.
It's not soooo terrible, but being around people who are eating something that you can't eat can be a struggle. The first day was HARD. I stupidly went to the city to go see The Raid. There are SO many food options in the city, I was craving tuna sushi HARD. The cravings died after the 2nd day so not a problem.
Another mini problem I've found is all the questions, when people offer you food and you say no and they insist. Then having to tell them about the lite n easy and then I get a few standard reactions. Older people complain about the price and basically say I'm stupid for paying that much when i can make it myself. Some people get all judgy and mean and tell me that I'm going to gain it all back as soon as it's over...err DUH i know, don't need to be mean about it but I'm not an idiot. I know I have to change the way I cook and what I eat for LIFE. This is just easier for now and I don't have to get so bogged down in figuring out calories. Plus once I reach my goal weight I hopefuly won't have to calorie count forever. Hopefully making good choices will be enough...I doubt I will ever be one of those people who just eats whatever they wants and stay skinny though, but that's not what I mean by that statement. Another reaction I get sometimes is a really smug attitude, like you can feel them being proud of themselves for not being fat and therefor think I'm inferior. Those people are also the ones who give me the fake smiles and 'good on you''s because you can see in their evil stupid faces that they 'know' I'm going to fail and they enjoy that.
Probably the most uncomfortabel reaction I get is the one from people who are insecure about their weight. They get all psyched out and down on themselves and see me eating healthy foods and look back at their junk food and start freaking out and complaining about how bad their eating habbits are and how much they need to change and worst of all, how 'fat' they are. SHUT UP BITCHES. I'm twice your size. ugh.
On the plus side, this time around i feel slightly less ashamed of openly admitting that i'm doing lite n easy. I hate telling people I'm doing anything like this...I don't even want to call it a diet because I feel like diets are really hardcore fixated on losing weight and I'm really not. Telling people you're trying to lose weight is always embaressin. One, because admitting I'm fat makes me feel awkward. People either giggle because that's what they've been thinking and didn't want to say anything or they try to be nice and say stuff like 'you're not FAT...you're just not skinny' or 'I wouldn't call you fat! [insert name] is fat!' or 'I've never thought of you as fat, you're just curvy'. MAN i can't stand it when people call fatties curvy, I've posted about this b4. Curvy is an hourglass figure, not muffin tops, love handles and pooches.
Another reason admitting that I'm trying to lose weight is hard is because then you have to eat your words and hang your head in shame when you fail.
This time around it's been easier to admit, I'd like to thank Logan for that. He's not ashamed to post it all over facebook, it made it feel like less of an embaressing thing. Another factor that has made it easier is talking more openly about weight related issues with warren now that we go to the gym together. He gets it =]
I still don't feel comfortable saying how much I want to lose or how much I weigh...or even saying how much i've already lost. I still feel really ashamed. Man, the first time I had to tell Tim how much I weighed was devastating. For ages he would probe and I just wouldnt say, but when we were going to the snow he needed to know so that i could get the right board. Man I cried for hours. It was so hard, seeing him try to act like it didn't matter but clearly seeing his expression change for that split second when I told him. Now it's still a little embaressing and I would rather not say it out loud but it's easier sharing it with him and talking about my progress.
About 3 or 4 days in I was feeling pretty hopeless and doing the whole 'what's the point' thing again. Wasn't going to order again. Luckily towards the end of the week I went to the gym and weighed myself on their scales that do the whole BMI/body fat measurements and I saw progress. I never weighed myself at the start so I'm not exactly sure if I lost 4 or 3kg but that was enough to give me hope. Finally thinking about it in terms of numbers and weight lost gave me a bit more motivation. I'm still scared and iffy about it all. To someone skinny 3 or 4kg would mean a lot but I've done the whole dieting thing before and my weights been up and down like a yoyo so until I get past the 10kg mark I'm not going to feel safe at all. It's easy to lose a lot at first because your body is shocked with the change but after about the first month things get stagnant.
I'm trying to be positive about it but it's hard. Inspiration and motivation can come from two very different places and it's much easier to fall into unhealthy patterns. I've been on tumblr a lot, the types of motivators can basically be broken down into thinspiration and fitspiration. Thinspiration tends to come from a more negative place, wanting to lose weight because you hate yourself and being ashamed and comparing yourself to people. Fitspiration is more about living a healthy lifetsyle and really ridiculously cliched quotes about loving yourself. It's all really cheesy. I'm trying to not get down on myself but it's hard...and tempting to use that as fuel, but it's such an ugly place. I've been there before and I always feel it creeping around but being on any sort of 'diet' or making any kind of healthy change always brings it to the forefront of my mind. I'm always thinking about how crap I look, how disgusting I am, how I'm never going to feel right in my body, even if I did lose all the weight. I feel ruined. I can't stop comparing myself to the people around me and I'm drowning in people's little comments. Their jokes and snarky remarks about fat people.
Blah fat jokes are the worst. I always feel SO awkward when people around me laugh about other people, they never mean anything intentionally bad about it and they're very rarely about one specific person we know but ugh. All I can think is that I'm fatter than whoever they're making fun of, therefore they must say this kind of stuff about me when i'm not around too. Or when people talk about someone and act really offended and disgusted I get mega scared and think 'omg what must they feel about me'.
Poop =(
In other news! I tried a Salsa class last week. It was crap =( It was really dull and short. I'm hoping it was just that one class because I really do want to join a salsa class. I used to have fun practising with my old dance group, even if we were fail.
I think the next couple of things are just going to be random thoughts because nothing is flowing anymore.
I don't get why so many people go see 'Jay & Silent Bob Get Old' live when they have never heard of or listened to the podcast. It doesn't make sense to me, because if they're just really hardcore fans of those two characters in the films then they should have looked it up and listened to the podcast already. Plus you generally buy tickets in advance for shows right? Why wouldn't you use that time to listen to a couple episodes so you know what you're in for. Maybe it's because the tickets are cheaper in the states...I'm assuming. Although they had a tonne of the audience members in the UK not knowing it wasn't a theatrical performance piece. I'm pretty sure the tickets in the UK would have had to have been as expensive there as they are here ($80 at least). Makes no sense! Unless they're these odd rich people who just buy tickets to random shows they've never heard of.
Not having my phone for that one night was pretty hard haha. I always fall asleep listening to podcasts on loudspeaker. Since I didn't have that I went for my old ipod and the Beats headphones. BAD idea. I couldn't sleep, all my old music sounded fucking AMAZING and it woke me up even more. It was mezmerising.
My lack of phone also inspired me to finally finish the book Kurt lent me. I can't even rememer what is was called, something about being a Wallflower. I read it in two sittings. The first time i got through about half of it and disliked it so I stopped reading. Seeing as he gave it to me I knew I would have to finish it one day, luckily I got it done pretty easily. Regardless it was a crap book. I haven't read a good book in SUCH a long time. My criteria for a good book is purely based on how hooked I get. Throughout my youth and highschool there were several books I came across that were great! Everything is set to that standard now. If I lose interest for a second then it's not worth my time. I've had so many books that consumed me. That I would pick up and literally would not put down until I was done. One afternoon or a night was usually enough. I would get soooo mad at my family if they interupted me, I wouldn't eat or move or do anything but read until it was finished because I couldn't break free. Certain books have probably been the only things I've been really obsessive over (if I compare obsessiveness to nerdist levels). I don't usually care enough about anything to find out more about the author or read forums and dedicated fan sites except for ones based on good books. It's been years since I read something that engulfs me like that. I miss it =(
All of the last couple of books I've read I've forced myself to finish because it was recommended to me by someone and I knew I would have to discuss it with them at some point. Getting through a crap book is painful. Ahhh man, most recent grueling reading challenge was getting through 'Interview with a Vampire'. It took me a few MONTHS...that's terrible coming from someone who would read the Harry Potter books within 3hours of getting my hands on them.
I found 'interview with a vampire' in tim's room from his 'goth' days and I figured that since Anne Rice is an acclaimed writer, might as well give it a go. GOD was that a waste of time. I pretty much just judge a book on the story itself and the characters, not so much the way it was written unless it really irks me so you know, I'm not saying she's a bad writter. I just don't like her ideas.
Mind you, i grew out of Harry Potter. I'd like to shamefully admit that I did not read the last book before seeing the movie. I just heard it in audio tape. It's the only one I didn't read, by the time it came out I just really didn't give a shit any more. I always felt like Harry's character was a little lifeless, he didn't make sense to me. I put it down to a poorly written character =P His reactios and ideas didn't compute, he never felt authentic because you had so much history there that you could try to figure him out. Or maybe Harry was just a jackass.
And nowww, I think I'm done =D
PS: lol 3964 words jamjams! I now feel clean.
xx
