Bonjour XD You've just stumbled onto my blog. Enjoy =]
MEOW
Moi.
Basics.
Name: Andrea J
D.O.B: 04.02.91
Age: 22 years old
Nationality: Australian
Heritage: Chilean
A Life Worth Living.
Musac.
Monday, April 30, 2012
4:38 PM
I finally understand the term 'the lost weekends'.
It's Monday afternoon...I started Friday arvo, when did all that happen. It's like an amplified version of the feeling I would get of coming home on a Friday morning at 7am in the freezing cold from the city from going to hot damn every Thursday nigh for weeks on end. And coming Back home in a semi-walk of shame while people are wide awake and heading into work. That's this, but 3 days later.
Interesting. I could keep going but it seems like a bad idea. Oh responsibility. Why do you exist!? This could actually b my longest streak ever, I feel like I owe it to myself to continue until Wednesday because then I leave Sydney and come back a week later. I do have the options open to do that too...ahh such a good opportunity! Is it worth it?
The potential to create a Lost week is quite high.
I've been kind of pre-occupied lately, hence the string of shorter posts. I worked a lot more than usual last week which was great, I was totally lacking funds and now I am paid *relief*.
I even did some tech work which is always a welcome change. It's really fun and stressful in a good way. This event was really good to work on, we had to set up in an abandoned cinema for a short film festival. The place was a mess and as cute as the idea was to hold a film festival in an old cinema, it probably wasn't the best of ideas. The cinema was really run down, they had stripped the venue of all the seating and screening equipment, there wasn't even any electricity in there, my manager had to arrange for it to be reconnected for a few days. Apart from the increadibly dusty floor, there was also issues with sound. Since the venue is basically just a huge, hollow concrete block there was no sound absorption so you couldn't hear some of the films properly. Regardless it all worked out, I don't think my company will be hosting it there any time soon. Sure we managed to fit double the amount of people but the cost of setting up the place and hiring everything probably outweighed any profit.
Stupidly, I forgot to call for work again so I won't be getting any calls in this week which kinda sucks. It just means I know I have NOTHING to do all week. Oh well, it's already Thursday. I just have to wait for Monday for a new week to start so not too long. I don't even really remember where this week has gone. I think I went out for food at canley on Monday. I was sooooo full, it was horrible. I just ordered one thing but man, I felt like throwing up the whole way home and actually dry reached when I got home =( Lol...my stomach kind of shrunk with this whole lite n easy thing. Since I was SO broke last week, I couldn't afford to buy the food so I had to wing it. I was so busy and unwilling to go out and buy healthy snacks and food that I just took the easy way out and just ate twice a day. Breakfast was usually a multigrain english muffin with lite jam and then a mandarin later in the day lol....seriously, we have NO healthy or fresh food at home. The only variety I got all week was the celery and dessert wine at Jamie's place for the (belated) easter picnic. I was so pumped when I got my delivery of food this week. It's not like I was hungry at all last week which is good but I know how bad my food choices were =( On the plus side I still lost weight last week so at least I didn't gain any.
Mostly I've been stuck on reddit, I finally gave in and tried it at some point last week after maybe 3 or 4 separate attempts on the site over the last year where I just didn't care or get it. I finally do, I stumbled onto some subreddits of interest and I haven't left since lol. So much awesomeness.
I went to a concert on Tuesday. It was good, we saw Juan Luis Guerra. Music was brilliant, but I wouldn't normally pay for that. I wasn't terribly keen, I got the tickets for my auntys bday, and I didn't think I knew that much of his music but I knew at least half the songs they played so it was enjoyable. I wouldn't do it again though, that style of music is so..dancey. It's not for a concert. I mean, it would have made no difference whatsoever if I had just been at a club where the dj played his songs back to back. There was no interesting 'live' element to it. Afterwards we went to the official afterparty which had some really mad music. Good times. It's wierd where life takes you. I've been listening to this artist since I was a kid, I never once imagined I would see him live. I would have never imagined my life was going to turn out the way it has. I don't even know if that's a good sentiment or not.
lol...they played this merengue remix at the club of Party Rock haha it was SOOOO much fun to dance to. I'm pretty sure it was a different remix, might have been the dj's own mix. Here's a suitable enough remix:
I've been listening to so much new music lately, reddits the bomb. I don't listen to much new stuff lately because I don't have the energy to go looking for shit like I used to back in highschool. Reddit makes it toooo easy, it's the bomb.
So I was feeling all crappy and lonely today, it sucks. I'm so fucking needy. I basically need human contact 24/7 with people I'm comfortable with, this is much harder to attain when I'm no longer in a relationship. Blah, the only thing that takes me out of that head space is getting lost on the interwebs which seems so sad/lame to me. I should be okay though...just gota keep busy till August *twitch*
On another front, I've been all conflicted and shiz. Romantically. *sigh* My hearts being pulled in all directions and not even by people but by my own ideas. Brain and logic and what I want and how to attain it and is that really the best course of action. I think the biggest player is the idea that I need to do what is 'right' regardless of feelings. But what if doing the right thing isn't what you want? If doing what is right by everyone and for myself doesn't make me happy, is it still right? ...Probably. What is the right thing to do anyway? *sigh* It's so messy in my head that it's easier to distract myself and not dwell because I get ridiculously confused if I let myself think too much. I feel like I'm stuck but I'm also too scared of what might happen if I'm free from everything.
"There used to be nights years long ago, where there were cold, foreign rooms at night, lit up by tropical aquariums. The glow, the strange colour staining the walls. You could tell they were loaded by their gaudy furnishings. It's odd how many different tropical fish tanks there where in cold harsh rooms. Blindingly white tiles and cream leather couches."
I'm so fucking annoyed right now, the kind of frustrated where you just want to cry (coz I'm being a big baby)
That's $100 lost in two weeks because of my stupidity...I can't help but want to blame other people involved too but in the end they were my choices.
First with the stupid cruise thing that I missed because I felt guilt tripped into staying to look after rachel and because I have a retarded conscience. I know she always manages to recover eventually but I can't just leave someone who can't even stand up alone, not to mention it's also raining. COME ON. I'd feel terrible if something bad happened to her when I've chosen to go off and have fun. It sucks being left behind, it's just a reminded that you don't matter that much. I wasn't as bummed about the cruise thing because I felt like staying with her was justifiable in my head. But what happened just then isn't. -.-
So now I've lost $69 in a make-up workshop I had planned with Aly and miche. I suggested training it there seeing as parking is a bitch and why pay for the petrol but Aly said she wanted to drive, so I agreed, it makes my life easier. I got a txt that we were going to go early because they wanted to grab dinner first. This seemed unlikely seeing as the class started at 6;30pm but I figured it would be good to leave 'early' since we would be too late for dinner but just on time for the class.
Meanwhile I'm at my place waiting. I get a phone call saying they're stuck in traffic but should be here in 20mins. That would still leave just enough time to make it to the class. 20mins is bad....generally 20mins translates to 45mins at least. I knew this but just chose to do nothing about it. IDIOT.
So I'm waitingggg, then I get another phone call. They're stuck in traffic, it aint budging, looks like we're missing the class. Last option I offer is that we swap plans, get a train in, we will definitely make it. I tell them to go to the nearest train station and i'll meet them there. This wasn't an official plan swap for some reason. There was some sort of issue with aly driving in the rain and her family. I don't really know. She has to contact her family before we proceed. Meanwhile Miche calls the class to see if we can reschedule(for like the 3rd time mind you). I have to wait some more to see what aly's parents decide and if we can go on another day.
I want to go to the class, but I'm sort of thinking it isn't going to happen. I'm bummed seeing as it's not only more money down the drain but this was a special offer so it was almost half price and it's been on my to-do list since I was in year 11. I know I'll basically never try to do this again because I've already lost money to something that I wasn't sure I'm 100% interested in. At this point I could have just decided I'm going with or without them and made it on time. I decided against it because I felt bad for the girls, that it would be kinda slack if I went without them and that if one of us misses it, we should all miss it. So I'm still waiting to hear back from them about going or not, there's a couple more phone calls, still unsure if they can even make it to a nearby train station on time and still confusion with the parentals. Soooo I'm waiting.
Then I get a txt msg that they're on the train. Thanks for telling me =.= At this point it's too late for me to go. Money down the toilet.
Why is communicating an answer so hard. I'll admit, this situation was different, it wasn't their fault that there was traffic and rain and permission issues but god. As long as I've been friends with the girls from high school there has always been issues in organising doing anything. I just don't get why it's so damn hard to organise shit with everyone. Tim and his friends always seem to come up with a plan and execute it successfully with several people involved without any fuss. It's like we're cursed, I don't have this problem with any other friendship group. Me and the guys hanging out is pretty simple too but I put that down to it just being a small group. But I mean tonight wasn't even all 7 of us (girls), it was just 3 of us. It took 2 months to figure out a date and that's not even counting all the crap from today.
I fucking hate this shit, it keeps happening with other people too. With the gym, with hanging out. Just fucking answer me and tell me what's going on so I'm not sitting around waiting forever for you to decide if we're going out or not. You know, so I can get other shit done.
ugh I'm out. I'm so fucking angry I don't even know what to do.
Seriously why does this shit not get taught to us from when we're in school! I feel like there is SO much to learn in terms of cooking basics that never got passed down to me.
This video was great, I've been holding knifes wrong all my life!
This blog post was interesting, it's about the way we think and how it affects us and communication. Here are a couple of exerts:
The old teachings of Vedanta make a point about the power of our thoughts on creating our reality. The book Self Unfoldment by Swami Chinmayananda says, “The difference in the concentration and type of (these) thoughts give rise to the variety of human being we see in the world”. He goes on to delineate three types of thoughts. There are thoughts that are pure, thoughts that are passionate and agitated, and thoughts that are dull and inactive. Obviously, the thoughts that are pure bring on a state of mind filled with equanimity, serenity, calm and peace and are the highest order of thoughts.
I like the way they explain it, it seems less wishy washy than some of the self-love type stuff I've read that always seemed so cliched and corny.
We could say that those whose thoughts are pure and noble are at peace and experience wellbeing, having calm, rich relationships with others, accepting those in their lives the way they are, with little or no judgment and interpersonal drama. Those with passionate, agitated thoughts filled with desires are probably in the midst of interpersonal drama a lot, having both conflict as well as at times amazing moments of intimacy and connection. These may be people who come to us with relationship issues and anxiety disorders. Those with inert and dull thoughts are probably socially isolated and may be quite alone or lonely, possibly substance abusing and possibly depressed.
I like how true it is, it seems so simplified. It's nice.
The typo I just read is reallllly bugging me. I want to say something, because it's not really a typo as in a spelling mistake, but the completely wrong word! It changes the entire meaning of the sentence. *twitch*
I can't possibly be imagining all this interpersonal passive aggressive drama...or am I just crazy, because I'm really starting to feel like I might be going nuts if everyone constantly keeps denying its existence. Have I slipped back into a wierd highschool mentality again? or is this actually happening =S because I really can't tell any more.
It's like people don't believe me, or are they acting? This is ridiculous that I'm even thinking this hard about it. It's all really disconcerting because if it is there and I'm not imagining things, then it means that people are doing a fucking intense job of denying everything. That's so much effort and it just doesn't make sense to me. Why wouldn't you just deal with it instead of letting it fester under the surface.
Maybe I just over-analyse everyone's comments and expressions way too fucking much.
But seriously it does make me question my sanity. They keep saying nothing is wrong but are they just pretending or am I really CRAZY. How is this happening with multiple people at one time too? Fucking wierd. That's what makes me think maybe I am a little off center about it, how could so many people be annoyed at the one time, I mean it's not like I think everyone is doing it but it's still a significant amount of people. I mean most of it isn't directed at me ...which makes it even weirder, like noticing tension between other people. I should just stay out of it.
I'm sorry, I'm just really confused because no one is acknowledging it, I'm feeling like I'm overthinking it but I just don't want to drop it when I think about the little things that feel like proof of my argument. I'm pretty sure people feel the digs and stabs right, I'm not imagining it =S
Too sensitive, I can't accept 'it was just a joke' for a lot of things and I'm sureeeee other people feel it too. I can tell the difference between banter and a sarcastic comment that is rooted in truth and disguised as 'taking the piss'. I don't know, I feel so sure in some instances because it's the same type of treatment across several different people but some people choose to take offence slightly more publicly and others just deny deny deny.
I probably don't make any sense anymore =(
I'm sorry, I haven't slept properly in awhile and the 'keep me awake' meds I took make me wierd and fixated on shit. It's how I taught myself how to do some basic html coding back in highschool. Believe me it's not something I would ever delve into had I not been messed up and obsessive, not sleeping for days and constantly having my eyebrows up by my hairline from being so strung out lol. The pills, they really help keep you awake but man are they intense. That's why I stopped taking them, lol I had no real reason to need to be that awake, it's not like I was doing anything productive in that time. So now I only take them as a safety measure when I do stupid shifts and decide to still have a social life so that I can make good use of my time. Sleeping can feel like such a waste of time when you are trying to match everyone's 'awake' period. It's very rare now that I take them anyway, I've only done it once this year and before that it was the week just before november. I've never been under so much pressure / lack of sleep. I was helping tim finish some final uni assessments + one of my essays, meeting uni deadlines and whatnot because both of us had cut it dangerously short and the pressure of needing to pass + working a tripple shift back to back. It was intense. A 5 hr shift doing physical labour after not sleeping for two days of essay writting, followed straight by a 10hr night shift, followed by an 8 hour morning shift. I literally only had enough time to travel straight from job to job lest I be late for the upcomming shift. I slept about 4 hours that entire week, I was such a zombie by the end of it. I don't know how I did it...oh right, the pills to keep me focused and awake. Omg like now, I haven't even slept and I'm just here typing away. I know my body is tired but my mind is wired up. I should just force myself to stop.
Warning: This is a fucking long post! I am not bothered going back and fixing all the typos just yet, maybe later.
Hola amigos! I just backlogged that last post about the cruise, I had saved it on my phone and never actually published it. I'm not meant to be writting this right now because of where I am but I need to keep entertained somehow. It's pretty obvious where I am right? I just don't want to spell it out incase there are some sort of legal implications in the future lol.
So shortly after my last post I got off the train at Wynyard, and swiftly found my way to the meet up point on the warf. The night kind of self-combusted and started it's demise about 2mins after I got off the train. It started pouring down rain as I headed over to Cargo Bar and I got mega soaked. I was getting anxious because I didn't want to miss boarding and I was cutting it close. Once I got there I looked even more retarded than when I had left home seeing as I was now a mess of heavy wet fabrics and wet hair. It wasn't pretty but ehhh what can you do. So I'm trying to figure out where this boat is because there are clearly none all along the wharf where I am and there are very few people seeing as it's pouring down. Luckily I found a group who were also looking for the cruise, so I stuck with them and we eventually found it.
I finally spotted Jamie and Dani, thanks to what I believe was a top hat and bright pink hair. I might be mistaken about the top hat but I generally seem to envision Jamie wearing one even when he isn't. o.O The 2nd thing I notice is Rachele and that's when I knew my night was pretty much dead there and then lol. The poor thing was being proded up by Jamie so I got under her other arm and kept her upright...until her legs gave way. *sigh* She was having one of her dizzy spells =( This has been a regular occurance for her since probably year 11 (so like..5 years?) and seeing as we stayed together a lot in senior years I'm pretty used to seeing this happen. We knew that getting on the boat with her in that condition wasn't a good idea but it was a problem seeing as we had all paid to go. I felt bad for Danni who had been raving about this for a few days now so seeing as I couldn't leave rache behind and I was already soaked and feeling icky I decided to stay back with her and that way at least not everyone would waste their money.
Luckily rachel was feeling better after that so we got some food in her while I attempted the futile task of getting dry with the hand dryers in all the places we stopped. We spent ages in starbucks just talking and stuff which was nice. It's really easy to be open with her =) I think we've shared a lot of similar experiences so it makes it easier. So at least it wasn't a terrible waste and she didn't die on me or anything so all's good. It would have been nice to go on the cruise though =( Especially after all the hassel of getting out to the city and getting dressed and soaked and spending money I probably shouldn't have. Plus I haven't been clubbing in ages...lol and the music wasn't as onboxious as I thought it might be haha. I could hear it playing while people were boarding. To be honest I was expecting back to back songs from backstreetboys, nsync, spice girls and aqua. I'm not saying I hate them but one or two songs is enough nostaligia for one night =P In the end it was an okay night, eventful and I got to see people and I ended up hanging out with Tim on my way home anyway so that's always fun (nowadays =P).
The day after was alright too. Tim came over to bring me back my phone and ended up staying with Garry and calling over Jamie and Kianie. Tim and Garry both wanted to dye their hair blue and since they couldn't find anyone who actually knew how to do it, they decided to just wing it with my help. Collectively their hair was dyed 8 times with only Tim's really turning out close to what he wanted. Garry's turned out grey =S They used different products *sigh* At least by the end of it Garry's hair was one colour and looking better than what it had been before the 3rd dye job lol. Needless to say Garry was not pleased, especially since the end product was pretty similar to his natural colour. I think he's dying it back to brown sometime soon lol
A few of us hung out at Cooks Hill last night too. It was good, I'm pleased with the frequency that I'm seeing people these days. It's very consistent, it makes me feel safe lol. It was me, tim, jamie, kianie, warren, garry and Sandra. Sadly my night was cut short because I had work this morning but I'm glad I went. To be honest I felt like a bit of a tool. I started lite n easy a week and a bit ago, so it means I can't eat out or drink alcohol. This makes socializing a little awkward. Sitting at restaurants and not ordering food is wierd, I always feel like "why did you even come" and get all paranoid about people thinking I'm lame for going out just for the company. I have no real qualms with the no eating and drinking bit, I'm always full these days and I've never been a huge drinker (I just feel more comfortable holding a glass in my hands).
The lite n easy thing has taken up a lot of my head lately which is more than it deserves. I initially started because Tim, Warren and I...actually no, Tim kind of forced us into agreeing into a weightloss/gain challenge. Warren and I both need to lose weight by the new year and Tim needs to gain it by July (I think). There's been a few punishments set out for each person, except I can't remember what tim's is. If I don't reach my goal I have to attend Friday Night Magic every week until I do. I really can't wrap my head around that game, I don't really get the point of it all so I stop caring and give up easily. Warren has to do zumba classes with me TEHEHEHE and Tim....I'm really not sure. So I half-heartedly comitted to this, just like how I go to the gym. I never set any goals with the gym and I never joined with the idea of losing weight, it was more about doing something good for my body, plus it's a positive social activity. There are so few of those left. Everything generally involves over-indulging in food, alcohol or smoking, so at least with the gym I'm doing some good and suprisingly it's actually fun. As for lite n easy, Logan (one of Jamie's friends) has been posting on fb a lot about it lately and how much weight he's losing and being really open about it so I figured I may as well give it a go, sure it's expensive ($130 a week) but before this I was spending roughly $100-$150 on food and drinks a week anyway (all of which was bad for me) so I figured I didn't really have anything to lose.
I've tried lite n easy once before and I really didn't like it. I felt like it was way too much food and I constantly felt ill. I couldn't handle such frequent meals and big breakfasts and by the 2nd or 3rd day I was leaving half of my food and snacks so it was going to waste. I only did it for a week and gave up. This time it's different in a lot of ways. Since the last time I tried it my eating patterns have changed, I graze a bit more throughout the day so my stomach was more prepared. I also have more money coming in so I can pay for it myself and don't feel bad asking my mum to cover it. What I did realise this morning though was that, I think the main reason it didn't work last time was because during that week I tried it I was working morning shifts in a nursing home, waking up at 4;45am every day and starting breakfast then. My body can't handle breakfast that early in the morning, it makes me want to throw up and the feeling lasts all day. I only noticed that today because today was the first day in ages that I had to wake up early for a morning shift. Seeing as most days I wake up around 3pm now, that's not a problem. I need to work on that...lol.
Waking up late is so much better, nothing good ever happens in the morning, plus socializing always happens in the evening and seeing as I generally only work arvo's and nights, that sleeping pattern fits in better. Regardless, I'm going to tryyyy to shift it a little, at least to waking up at 11am. That way I get more than an hour of light a day. Not that I ever venture out directly into the sun but...you know, it's a pain. Mostly because the light in my room is broken and I've been using a little reading lamp to light the whole thing. Much too dark and it makes me lazy. I don't like attempting to clean it when it's that dark so my room stays perpetually messy and un-dusted.
EHEHE I just finished reading Jamie's post. It was good, a start to a short story. I want to keep reading lol, it was nice to get out of my head for those few minutes haha. Blogging like this is very ..uhm, all consuming/self-indulgent. It makes me not want to write about my annoying and insignificant ramblings that have been in my head for far too long. There are more important things to think about...*sigh* Regardless, I will finish! Because I started and I want to get the ideas that have been floating around in my brain out. Hopfully blogging them will keep them out and make room for new thoughts.
So back to the lite n easy bullshit.
*pause* I went to the kitchen to heat up some food and just had the crap scared out of me by ...hmm i guess i can't tell that story without directly saying where i am lol. oh well
anyway! Lite n easy. So down sides: makes socializing/leaving your house a hassel. You really have to plan ahead, swap meals around and stuff especially if components are frozen. It overcomplicates things. It's really hard to eat every 2-3hrs when you have a life! Another is feeling like a bit of a dick eating pre-packaged meals when your out, more so when you're in a pub/restaurant. It's not soooo terrible, but being around people who are eating something that you can't eat can be a struggle. The first day was HARD. I stupidly went to the city to go see The Raid. There are SO many food options in the city, I was craving tuna sushi HARD. The cravings died after the 2nd day so not a problem. Another mini problem I've found is all the questions, when people offer you food and you say no and they insist. Then having to tell them about the lite n easy and then I get a few standard reactions. Older people complain about the price and basically say I'm stupid for paying that much when i can make it myself. Some people get all judgy and mean and tell me that I'm going to gain it all back as soon as it's over...err DUH i know, don't need to be mean about it but I'm not an idiot. I know I have to change the way I cook and what I eat for LIFE. This is just easier for now and I don't have to get so bogged down in figuring out calories. Plus once I reach my goal weight I hopefuly won't have to calorie count forever. Hopefully making good choices will be enough...I doubt I will ever be one of those people who just eats whatever they wants and stay skinny though, but that's not what I mean by that statement. Another reaction I get sometimes is a really smug attitude, like you can feel them being proud of themselves for not being fat and therefor think I'm inferior. Those people are also the ones who give me the fake smiles and 'good on you''s because you can see in their evil stupid faces that they 'know' I'm going to fail and they enjoy that. Probably the most uncomfortabel reaction I get is the one from people who are insecure about their weight. They get all psyched out and down on themselves and see me eating healthy foods and look back at their junk food and start freaking out and complaining about how bad their eating habbits are and how much they need to change and worst of all, how 'fat' they are. SHUT UP BITCHES. I'm twice your size. ugh.
On the plus side, this time around i feel slightly less ashamed of openly admitting that i'm doing lite n easy. I hate telling people I'm doing anything like this...I don't even want to call it a diet because I feel like diets are really hardcore fixated on losing weight and I'm really not. Telling people you're trying to lose weight is always embaressin. One, because admitting I'm fat makes me feel awkward. People either giggle because that's what they've been thinking and didn't want to say anything or they try to be nice and say stuff like 'you're not FAT...you're just not skinny' or 'I wouldn't call you fat! [insert name] is fat!' or 'I've never thought of you as fat, you're just curvy'. MAN i can't stand it when people call fatties curvy, I've posted about this b4. Curvy is an hourglass figure, not muffin tops, love handles and pooches. Another reason admitting that I'm trying to lose weight is hard is because then you have to eat your words and hang your head in shame when you fail. This time around it's been easier to admit, I'd like to thank Logan for that. He's not ashamed to post it all over facebook, it made it feel like less of an embaressing thing. Another factor that has made it easier is talking more openly about weight related issues with warren now that we go to the gym together. He gets it =]
I still don't feel comfortable saying how much I want to lose or how much I weigh...or even saying how much i've already lost. I still feel really ashamed. Man, the first time I had to tell Tim how much I weighed was devastating. For ages he would probe and I just wouldnt say, but when we were going to the snow he needed to know so that i could get the right board. Man I cried for hours. It was so hard, seeing him try to act like it didn't matter but clearly seeing his expression change for that split second when I told him. Now it's still a little embaressing and I would rather not say it out loud but it's easier sharing it with him and talking about my progress.
About 3 or 4 days in I was feeling pretty hopeless and doing the whole 'what's the point' thing again. Wasn't going to order again. Luckily towards the end of the week I went to the gym and weighed myself on their scales that do the whole BMI/body fat measurements and I saw progress. I never weighed myself at the start so I'm not exactly sure if I lost 4 or 3kg but that was enough to give me hope. Finally thinking about it in terms of numbers and weight lost gave me a bit more motivation. I'm still scared and iffy about it all. To someone skinny 3 or 4kg would mean a lot but I've done the whole dieting thing before and my weights been up and down like a yoyo so until I get past the 10kg mark I'm not going to feel safe at all. It's easy to lose a lot at first because your body is shocked with the change but after about the first month things get stagnant.
I'm trying to be positive about it but it's hard. Inspiration and motivation can come from two very different places and it's much easier to fall into unhealthy patterns. I've been on tumblr a lot, the types of motivators can basically be broken down into thinspiration and fitspiration. Thinspiration tends to come from a more negative place, wanting to lose weight because you hate yourself and being ashamed and comparing yourself to people. Fitspiration is more about living a healthy lifetsyle and really ridiculously cliched quotes about loving yourself. It's all really cheesy. I'm trying to not get down on myself but it's hard...and tempting to use that as fuel, but it's such an ugly place. I've been there before and I always feel it creeping around but being on any sort of 'diet' or making any kind of healthy change always brings it to the forefront of my mind. I'm always thinking about how crap I look, how disgusting I am, how I'm never going to feel right in my body, even if I did lose all the weight. I feel ruined. I can't stop comparing myself to the people around me and I'm drowning in people's little comments. Their jokes and snarky remarks about fat people. Blah fat jokes are the worst. I always feel SO awkward when people around me laugh about other people, they never mean anything intentionally bad about it and they're very rarely about one specific person we know but ugh. All I can think is that I'm fatter than whoever they're making fun of, therefore they must say this kind of stuff about me when i'm not around too. Or when people talk about someone and act really offended and disgusted I get mega scared and think 'omg what must they feel about me'.
Poop =(
In other news! I tried a Salsa class last week. It was crap =( It was really dull and short. I'm hoping it was just that one class because I really do want to join a salsa class. I used to have fun practising with my old dance group, even if we were fail.
I think the next couple of things are just going to be random thoughts because nothing is flowing anymore.
I don't get why so many people go see 'Jay & Silent Bob Get Old' live when they have never heard of or listened to the podcast. It doesn't make sense to me, because if they're just really hardcore fans of those two characters in the films then they should have looked it up and listened to the podcast already. Plus you generally buy tickets in advance for shows right? Why wouldn't you use that time to listen to a couple episodes so you know what you're in for. Maybe it's because the tickets are cheaper in the states...I'm assuming. Although they had a tonne of the audience members in the UK not knowing it wasn't a theatrical performance piece. I'm pretty sure the tickets in the UK would have had to have been as expensive there as they are here ($80 at least). Makes no sense! Unless they're these odd rich people who just buy tickets to random shows they've never heard of.
Not having my phone for that one night was pretty hard haha. I always fall asleep listening to podcasts on loudspeaker. Since I didn't have that I went for my old ipod and the Beats headphones. BAD idea. I couldn't sleep, all my old music sounded fucking AMAZING and it woke me up even more. It was mezmerising.
My lack of phone also inspired me to finally finish the book Kurt lent me. I can't even rememer what is was called, something about being a Wallflower. I read it in two sittings. The first time i got through about half of it and disliked it so I stopped reading. Seeing as he gave it to me I knew I would have to finish it one day, luckily I got it done pretty easily. Regardless it was a crap book. I haven't read a good book in SUCH a long time. My criteria for a good book is purely based on how hooked I get. Throughout my youth and highschool there were several books I came across that were great! Everything is set to that standard now. If I lose interest for a second then it's not worth my time. I've had so many books that consumed me. That I would pick up and literally would not put down until I was done. One afternoon or a night was usually enough. I would get soooo mad at my family if they interupted me, I wouldn't eat or move or do anything but read until it was finished because I couldn't break free. Certain books have probably been the only things I've been really obsessive over (if I compare obsessiveness to nerdist levels). I don't usually care enough about anything to find out more about the author or read forums and dedicated fan sites except for ones based on good books. It's been years since I read something that engulfs me like that. I miss it =( All of the last couple of books I've read I've forced myself to finish because it was recommended to me by someone and I knew I would have to discuss it with them at some point. Getting through a crap book is painful. Ahhh man, most recent grueling reading challenge was getting through 'Interview with a Vampire'. It took me a few MONTHS...that's terrible coming from someone who would read the Harry Potter books within 3hours of getting my hands on them. I found 'interview with a vampire' in tim's room from his 'goth' days and I figured that since Anne Rice is an acclaimed writer, might as well give it a go. GOD was that a waste of time. I pretty much just judge a book on the story itself and the characters, not so much the way it was written unless it really irks me so you know, I'm not saying she's a bad writter. I just don't like her ideas. Mind you, i grew out of Harry Potter. I'd like to shamefully admit that I did not read the last book before seeing the movie. I just heard it in audio tape. It's the only one I didn't read, by the time it came out I just really didn't give a shit any more. I always felt like Harry's character was a little lifeless, he didn't make sense to me. I put it down to a poorly written character =P His reactios and ideas didn't compute, he never felt authentic because you had so much history there that you could try to figure him out. Or maybe Harry was just a jackass.
Hola! So uhm...lol yesterday was a particularly ugly day. I feel more energiZed now and less 'what's the point' so, you know, better =)
I'm kind of annoyed at myself, because the day was only getting worse and then Tim called up after work and we went out and he got food at Canley and Blah ={ He brings me back. I don't like it, it's not like we even talk about what's wrong he just, I don't know, he's funny and torments me until I'm out of me headspace lol =) I know it's bad in the long term and all that but it works...and it's not like I called him and reached out to him. I don't want to be all dependent on him and stuff.
So spending time with him yesterday meant I woke up feeling like I should go out tonight after all. I almost didn't, for a few reasons actually, mainly that 90's music bugs me (so does 80's) and paying $30 to dance on a boat seems kind of steep seeing as the boat isn't take me anywhere I particularly want to go. Other reasons include: dressing up stresses me out (because I always feel retarded and out of place once I get to the venue) and l'm technically broke. I still have money but there is no secure foreseeable income for at least another 4 weeks. Also I'm worried about the crowd lol I get really antsy and end up psyching myself out if I'm around certain types of people. Anywhere that I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb generally. Most recent examples: being in a room with ultra girly girls at a birthday, being on the bus surrounded by very high pitched, young drunken party Asian girls and prior to that was at Die Antwoord waiting for it to start. The crowd was very teen, and north-shorey ...and white. Lol Im not racist I swear haha I just feel really out of place since I'm not all blond, short-shorts and attention seekey like a great majority of the chicks that were there. I feel a silent judgement from them lol. Or you know, I'm paranoid as fuck and have a huge chip on my shoulder =) I didn't feel comfortable until the music started and by then we were all united by the music.
Lol this isn't very well structured. Maybe I should have started by saying I'm on the train towards the city to go on some sort of 90's music boat cruise. I think it's part of a regular club night, called...uhmm Teen Spirit.
Just for my own future reference, when I go back and read this. It's the easter long weekend. I'm very detached from Easter. It used to be a big deal when I was in school seeing as we got a holiday for it and I went to the Easter show every single year, I usually skipped school and went with mum. I got way too much chocolate for one child and I believed in the Easter bunny for a long time! I don't think I ever went to church, I'm pretty sure school did some sort of liturgy and especially in primary school there was a big build up with the whole lent thing. Seeing as I'm an atheist and I live in my own world none of it affects me anymore. It's wierd how the whole country gets days off for a Christian holiday.
Anyway I'm reaching wynyard. I'm slightly worried now lol. Jamie called and said it was closer. I've never gotten off there. So hopefully I don't get lost and miss the boat lol. Google maps, I'm counting on you!
I have avoided blogging for ages because I've been in a general funk for awhile now and I didn't want to inflict so much negativity and whiny bullshit on anyone. So, sorry about this post because that is exactly what it will be seeing as the cloud has not lifted and I'm bored and I don't know. Maybe typing something out will be more entertaining than sitting around watching shows I have no great interest in.
To be honest, it's kind of hard to even type this. I've been so lethargic lately, coupled with boredom and stubbornness. I have no motivation to do anything, it's all really like, bleak and shit. What I mean by stubborn is that mental state that I get into, the annoying one where I complain a shit tonne and nothing is good enough or interesting enough, reasonable ideas are shot down and shredded to pieces. It's so easy to poke holes in everything. I've now moved from the antsy stage where I complain to Kurt and annoy him like crazy because I want something to do and it's now falling into the apathetic stage. I just sort of want to sleep all day even though I woke up at 3pm because there is nothing better to do, but I'm not letting myself incase I then wake up energized and then nothing to do. I don't know what's worse. Being tired and lazy and uninterested or full of energy with nothing to do and going stir crazy.
I'm guessing you're thinking, well then go do something! But I'm not bothered, that means I have to shower and get dressed and then be around people and I'm so not in the mood to try and come up with anything to talk about or respond to what people have to say. Plus, it's not like my options in the people department are that great right now, people I would normally spend time with are busy or gone and even if they were here I don't have it in me right now. So I'm sure you can imagine that means that my desire to be around new people or people I'm not very close to is even less.
I don't really have anything to share at the moment.
So one day I was hanging out with Kurt and we realised that there are some pretty wacky sayings in the spanish language.
Each Spanish speaking country has their own sayings, metaphors and similies but these are a few that I have collected over the last year or so.
Every time I hear my mum or grandma say a new one I text Kurt XD It has become somewhat of a little tradition for me now =]
Saying: La negrita astuta vende fruta.
Direct Translation: The (Astute, cunning, sly, crafty, fraudulent) cute/little black girl sells fruit.
Meaning: This saying is said as a sort of warning that you are/someone else is a cocktease
Saying: No calientes el agua (si no vas a tomar té)
Direct Translation: Don't heat the water if you're not going to drink tea
Meaning: This is also a sort of warning to someone who is being a cocktease. Kind of like, don't flirt and lead someone on if you have no intention of hooking up with them. It is also a play on words because in Spanish (Chilean at least) the word calentar (to heat) is also used informally as a way to say 'make horny'. So 'estoy caliente' = I'm hot BUT it means I'm horny. If you wanted to say I'm hot (because of the weather) you would say 'tengo calor'
Tongue Twister: Tres tristes tigres trigo trillaron tranquilos tragaron
Translation: Three sad tigers, wheat they threshed (To separate the grain from the straw or husks by mechanical beating), calmly they swallowed.
Tongue Twister:Pedro Pablo Pérez Pereira pobre pintor portugués pinta paisajes por poca plata para pasar por París
Translation: Pedro Pablo Pérez Pereira poor Portugese painter paints landscapes for little money to pass through Paris.
Saying:Buscarle la quinta pata al gato
Direct Translation:To look for the 5th leg of the cat
Meaning: Looking for problems when there clearly aren't any in that situation, so you're over thinking it and overcomplicating yourself.
Saying: Para ser bella hay que ver estrellas
Direct Translation: To be beautiful you have to see stars
Meaning: I'm guessing this is a fairly old saying because my grandad said it to me once, I kind of fell in love with this little rhyme/mantra. It means that no pain is too great to endure in order to look your best, this particularly refers to women having to wear painful shoes (stilettos) because it makes their legs look hot, wearing tight clothing to show off curves, waxing, plucking, dying hair, and I suppose nowadays you could extend that into getting cosmetic surgery. Just to clarify, my grandad wasn't a dick, I remember the saying coming up because we were watching a show with really attractive women and I was in awe of them and he explained that constructed superficial beauty comes at a price =) Oh and if you don't get the imagery, it's based on seeing "stars" when you hit your head/get dizzy, like if you've ever seen the cartoon representation of stars around the head when they get hit.
*To be continued
To Do.
Here's a list of some of the things I would like to do or accomplish or places I want to visit in my lifetime =]
* I have already been there, done that or started to read that but would like to do it again or complete the task
-- The task is completed and I don't feel the need to do a repeat