Hi everyone, I'm planning to make this blog un-private again after I finish writting this post. This is the first time I sit down to write at the computer for months, it feels a little odd, I like it. I have nothing in particular in mind as usual but I feel like I need to write everything out to just cleanse my mind...except maybe this isn't the best place. I hate censoring myself, I do it in so many aspects of my life, to protect myself and others, it's tiring but it feels like there is too much to lose by being 100% open all the time.
I feel like a lot has changed recently, I don't know how to really think about it, whether my mind is breaking or expanding, I think there is a very fine line between the two. The most recent change that feels like it's having a permanent impact on the way I see myself and the role I'm meant to play has come from starting my last clinical placement..EVER. (assuming i don't fail my summer subjects). The change in my confidence and range of abilities has grown enormously compared to my first placement I ever had, it's finally starting to sink in that I'm going to be a nurse and it seems like such an odd way to look at life. Through the lens of your vocation. Do you get what I mean :S ? I can't explain myself well right now.
Likeeee... you know when people introduce themselves or you introduce other people, certain aspects or facets of that person's life seems to define them. Some things you get more hung up on than others. Like, 'oh that's Mishka, the photographer I was telling you about' or 'Hi everyone, my name's Blooblah and I study engineering at UNSW'. Or, a lot of the times I've noticed certain types of people, even if they're kool with it will say 'that's Frankfro, he's gay =D'. We always need some way of defining ourselves I guess, my point is that mine is changing. A lot of the time when you talk to people one of the first questions they ask you is what do you do? For the last 16ish years of my life my response has been studying or that I'm a student. It's defined me and gotten me off the hook for not having a real job or purpose in life. Now my standard response is, I'm about to graduate, I'm a nurse. It feels so wierd. That really soon that response is just going to be "I'm a nurse"...that's so concrete. It's scary in a way but really safe in another. It sort of feels good, but at the same time it makes me feel like I suddenly have to become a grown up. I feel really old now, whereas just a few months ago I felt like a child.
Just before placement I was struggling a lot with this, I felt trapped. Like my youth was escaping me and time was running out before I start a full time job and don't have time for friends anymore and barely have time to keep my room clean or make myself food. It was an incredibly depressing thought but now that I'm two weeks in I feel like I'm okay with the idea now. There was never really any other option anyway, either be miserable or come to terms with the way life is going to pan out. Then it sometimes hits me that I'm considered a 'baby' to most of my ...colleagues (eww grown up word o.O). They all think I'm in my late 20's and when I'm tell them I'm 20 they're like OMG ARE YOU SERIOUS. I've gotten a lot of 'your so mature' in the last 2 weeks. Most of the people I work with have kids my age and they're all surprised and wierded out by me, telling me how their kids are off partying and having fun. I mean...I do some fun things...occasionally, lol =(
Obviously I'm not the only nurse who's come straight from highschool to uni but it's rare. Like I've complained a million times during my entire uni career, about 98% of the students studying nursing are mature ages students, all choosing to study nursing after already having had a life and this is usually their 2nd or 3rd career change. It's why I've never been able to connect with most of them. Speaking of, I'm doing better in that department =D I think it's because we're all stressed out about graduating soon and knowing that we all have a lot to learn in a short amount of time before we're thrown into the wild. Fear is bringing us together haha.
You know, this speaks volumes about me, but I think a massive reason why I feel more comfortable talking to a lot of the students now is because I've finally started to realise that they aren't as ahead of the game as I thought they were. Seeing them act as scared shitless as I am is comforting. I've always been so put off by them because they always acted so arrogant or collected, like they new everything and had their shit in order. Turns out they don't...and I'm not as lost as I thought I was. It has really helped me let my guard down and feel less intimidated and stressed out when talking to them. It's a terrible habit that I should break, anyone who acts more confident than me and seems like they have everything worked out instantly breaks me to pieces and the only way I can cope with feeling like I'm the only one struggling is to keep away from those people. I guess it happened all through highschool too, anyone pretty and I instantly put a wall up in my head, I couldn't handle constantly comparing myself to them and being scared always manifested itself in a bitchy/creepy/wierdo way and made me unapproachable I guess? I'm a bad person...IM SORRYYYYY. Who knows, maybe I missed out on talking to some really amazing people.
...doubtful.
=D
I probably should have started all that by saying that I got my marks back yesterday and passed all my subjects ^.^ It means my pathway remains on track. I'll still be doing my newgraduate placement in August and I didn't have to shamefully pull out of prac. I also got my official paperwork for newgrad outlining my salary and shit. HAZZA, I'm going to be loaded =D
I've also got enough saved up for a car, so I've been looking and I really don't know what to get. So far my criteria has been: 4 doors, auto, nothing older than the year 2000, must have less than 100, 000kms and preferably toyota (but only people everyone tells me they're the cheapest/easiest to repair). I saw a cute little black yaris the other day but it only had 3 doors...I can't stand 3 door cars! it's so fucking annoying. Part of my considerations is that it needs to be big enough to comfortably drive around people as opposed to be packed like sardines *twitch* Too much of that shit happening lately lol.
I really don't know much about cars, my dream car used to be a 1969 chevy impala in black but with a modified hood. Obviously, I will never let myself waste that kind of money on a car that I won't truly appreciate. Plus maintaining it will be hell. Then I wanted an rx8 ...lol also way beyond my price range and by the time I can afford it I will be in 'save for a house' mode. And once I finish paying off my house I'll be too old and look retarded in a sports car lol. Plus...why bother spending so much on a car, that's almost enough for a down payment on a new place! So uhm..now I feel like a granny because I've been wanting a family car for like 3 years. I've had my heart set on a mazda 3, sedan. lol. It's got such a cute butt!
'But she doesn't even have her p's yet' I hear you say...well yeah I don't lol. But mum reckons I should just get it so that I will be more motivated to practice. I really don't think I will but...maybe? Plus this way tim won't need to borrow his parents car anymore lol. So I've got till August to get my hours done, I reckon if I went every day for a week I might get the hang of it...as opposed to going for 20 mins every 5 months. A lot of people keep telling me to fake my hours but lol...there would be no point, I literally can't drive yet, I would fail that shit instantly.
I feel happyer now =) Today wasn't the greatest of days, being close to graduating is putting me on edge, like I don't have much time to spare these days so when I do hang with people I need it to not be mediocre. It was really putting a strain on me a tim and seriously my brain is just always in overdrive. The last couple of months were like walking on eggshells, such a conscious fucking effort not to fuck things over. It's tiring and I was starting to think what's the point. That question is never good. It undermines everything. We're all good again, at least until I get all worked up again *sigh*
As for prac, I'm actually enjoying it. At times I feel like it's a waste of time because I'm not learning a lot of things that I could be if I was on morning shifts or if I was in a new ward. It stressed me out a bit but ehh nothing I can do about it now, plus regardless of wether I've done it before, EVERYTHING will be scary as all fuck next year when I'm registered. Every little thing I do will be 100% my responsibility and if I fuck up it's MY fault. I can't ask for help as much as I can now. Scaryyy. Lol I don't even want to think about the night before my first day next year, that feeling of complete and utter dread, unable to sleep, alone and with no one coming close to understanding what's going on in my head. Eek...whatevs, it's ages away. For now I'm doing great..or pretending I am, I'm getting a lottttt of positive feedback which is encouraging but I don't really believe it, I constantly feel like I'm going to be exposed as a fraud at any moment. The other thing that's making it good is that I've made a FRIEND...LOL I'm so lame =( There's a dude who drives me there and back coz it turns out we're both from the same area, seriously I'm always so in my head at uni that I had never even noticed he existed until we had to introduce ourselves at prac. He's really kool =D Shame we wont see each other again after prac..maybe? I don't know, I've only known him for 2 weeks lol but we've been forced to get to know each other quickly lol. We spend 2 hours a day, 5 days a week in the car alone together on the way to and from prac. It's really therapeutic talking to someone who's going through the same thing haha. Plus we can help each other out with assessments and reminding each other about when shit's due. Plus he's not olddddd, I'm such an ageist! I'm a horrible person =(
It was really disturbing the other day listening to the nurses complain about being forced to take holidays over xmas. I hope I never get so boring that taking a break from work sounds like a bad idea.
Anyway, after loading Modern Family for like an hour, I think it's finally ready =.= Seriously, I think someone's stealing our net, how did we lose 200GB in 3 days! WTF
BYeeee xx
