Morning.

Moi.

Basics.

A Life Worth Living.

Musac.

Friday, July 29, 2011

12:09 PM

So I skippe uni, decided to go to the MCA and it was closed. I've been walking aimlessly ever since. I have no idea where I am except for I was directly opposite Luna park awhile pack.

Then I saw this:





Wtf...it's a giant egg in a nest =S

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Thursday, July 28, 2011

9:20 PM

Im generally a lazy person, EXCEPT at work. I hate lazy corner cutters at work =.=

I also hate that look people give me when I come up with something or share something I've found and I get the 'what the fuck, are you RETARDED' look staring back at me =.= especially when it's from a person who I think will understand and makes me listen to their stupid crappy ideas. YOU SUCK. It reminds me of why I keep ideas or kool things I've found to myself. It's something I'm excited about and you shoot me down.

I know, double standard because I won't get excited or agree with things other people tell me and probably react the same way, it's just annoying when it happens with people I was so sure about! Beh

Grr!



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

8:01 AM

Lol attempting to take luvo's inconspicuously while waiting for Tim at the train station probably isn't working all that well for me =P

He started uni last night and mainly has morning classes mwahahaha ^.^

Damn it, he's meeting me at ffield...hopefully he gets on the same train or the wait wasn't worth it =.= I could have gotten 3 other trains by now. Lol...

I just thought that this last one will still get me there, about a minute b4 class and I get to see him. Bah the train is going to be so packed.

I'm on my way to my last day of education that is part of my orientation for my new job as a mental health nurse. Tomorrow I'm supernumerary on the unit and then I can start taking shifts for next week. The first day was really interesting. We covered (broadly) the 4 main psychiatric illnesses and their subdivisions: schizophrenia, personality disorders, anxiety disorders and depression. The teacher was so kool, he started off with this speel about how we're psychiatric DETECTIVES! And how he could tell us something about all of us based on our appearance. Then he asked us to tell him his 6 impediments/illnesses based on what we noticed.

I only got 1 haha...the easiest one, that he had bad eyesight since he was wearing glasses lol. The other things were: deaf in one ear, arthritis in his hand joints, broken collar bone in the past, some jaw condition I had never heard of and he used to have a lisp when he was a child. I barely noticed the others even after he explained his tells lol

Yesterday was boring though, all the legal stuff which I already covered extensively in uni. Today is self defence XD

It's been good, amazingly I have even enjoyed the company of some of the people there. CRAZY, I know right!? Lol...but I probably won't see them again ={ and I don't know how to transition into hanging out outside of this, I feel like I'm going to sound like a creep if I ask her to do something next week. Oh well, I might run into her at work occasionally.

Oh Tim's here XD



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Sunday, July 24, 2011

9:09 PM

So last night I went out to the city for Matty's 20th. I guess my night never ended, after leaving the city around 8am, there was a large portion of time lost to roaming around guildford, sitting outside a pub waiting for it to open and ambushing Kurt at 11am ^.^ we all chilled at Kurt's till 6ish and then I went to Jamies place with Tim. I finally got home around 8pm tonight, ate, showered and am now ready for bed. 4am start tomorrow. ={




I forgot my camera so quality of pictures is atrocious.

I've had a very enjoyable past 30+ hours. Highlights include: starcity, pork belly, hazelnut latte cocktail, the cross, tattoo aquirement at 4am, Cecill, cougars, sluts, predators, prostitutes, strippers, insane homeless people, drugged out scumbags, kebabs, sesh, Joel's mad guitar skills, synchronized swimming and pogo stilts.














And finally, the result of Mikel's night of drinking and 2 sleepless nights by the end of it:





Funfun. Happy bday matt!!





Xx

Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

9:45 PM

I have not written in far too long, instead I've been on 9gag...and =S I really don't know. My days have sort of melted away. It's been about 10 days since I got back from the snow and I can't remember what I've done other than start my new job. According to my calendar I have also:


Eaten at Santos Pizzeria Canley Heights.



The food wasn't good, pricey for the low quality and laggy service considering we were one of two couples in the store AND you could taste that the food had been refrigerated for days. Actually that's unfair, the bruschetta topping had been in the fridge for days, I don't think the rest of the food was. The tomatoes had gotten watery and old and you could tell it had just come out from the fridge since it was super cold. I can't remember what the name of what I ordered but it was meant to be something similar to Chicken with a boscaiola sauce. The sauce was too overpowering and the mash was gluggy. Tim got pizza, I didn't try it but I heard no complaints and later when we got pulled over for an RBT the cop started raving about how good the pizza is there...seeing as it is a Pizzeria maybe I just chose wrong lol. BUT in my defense I did not know this until I looked up the name now. Either way the waiter was friendly and attentive AND they kept my phone for me when I left it behind.

Drank tea at Tee's Cupcakes:



I had been dying to go there for a few reasons, mainly because of my newly found obsession with cupcakes. Also I know someone who works there, I tried their macaroons awhile back and they were awesome. First and only time I have had macaroons so I don't have much to compare it to but I liked it. It was like eating cookies, cookie dough, ice cream AND (insert fruit here). Plus sonjae keeps raving about it on her blog. To be honest I was a tad disappointing, I was expecting ultra cuteness or some sort of nice interior design but it felt really clashy. Like the display wall side was pretty but then you turn around and look at the .
seating and it looks like cheapo cabra restaurant. OH WELL.
We were in a bit of a rush. We came in as they were closing so we slammed down two cups of tea before leaving. Tim loved the citrus flavored tea he got so much that he bought a box and has been drinking and hoarding it ever since. I had the ?blushing geisha? ...although that might have been a drink Tim ordered at Fat Panda =S Either way it was nice, I'm not a fan of tea...or any beverage really. I'm like a camel. It takes me like 4 days to get through one bottle of water. I did however, like that it not only smelt good but I could actually taste it. Most of the time I don't care about tea because it usually smells awesome but the taste is always the same. BLAND and makes my tongue really rough and dry for some reason =S This didn't =] But not enough for me to go back and drink more tea.

There were lots of little chocolates I wanted to try for the sake of it but I'm not really a huge fan of sweets. I just like decorating cupcakes and then don't eat them. I was keen to see what they made and got stuck looking at a little Happy Mothers day cupcake display....wasn't mothers day ages ago? :S Anywho, it was really pretty, with the exploding fondant design and some fondant butterflys. Cute pastel colours.

Fondant decorating is my next big goal in decorating. I've never worked with it or even seen where they sell it but I'm not too fussed. I finally had some about a month ago and it tastes disgusting. Plus I have a long way to go before I'm content with my piping skills, I've only practiced twice now. My bag ripped. SO the first thing I'm buying is a piping kit. EXCITE.

Ate sushi





Twice. With Nghi at Sushi Bay and with Warren, Dave and Tim at Fat Panda. Sushi will never be a meal to me, that stuff soooo isn't filling. But it gives me my tuna fix. Saddly the long anticipated 'Tsunami' drinks from Fat Panda were terrible. They were so awesome the first time we tried them but this time they tasted bitter as opposed to sweet. I also tried their Blushing Geisha drink which was a little better. It felt odd there that night. I'm pretty sure it was a Friday night but it was slightly dead (Fat Panda) compared to Holy Basil and compared to how extremely busy it was around Feb this year. They offered us a free plate of something that looked like raw salmon with some brown sauce. It was nice. It made me suspicious haha. Either the food was going to go off and they didn't want to waste it OR they're loosing business for some reason and are trying to please.

Oh also had some good green tea ice cream at Fat Panda, it had this wafer in it that tasted so good! Different texture and taste to your usual wafer. Although not as good as the Green Tea Ice cream I had in the city once.

Chilled out at Little Star





Hung out with Dave, Warren and Tim. Got more green tea ice cream, better at Fat Panda.

Saw Gangshow:
lol at mikel. It was so exciting watching him dance, the show...not so crash hot but what can you expect. I was pretty impressed with their lighting and props though ^.^

Started Uni:
New bio lecturer...=D TEHEHEEE! I've only got two subjects this semester but they seem so full on, I don't know how the others are coping with 4 =S

Started "working" as a nurse:
I've only had my corporate orientation so far which I enjoyed...I don't get why everyone is always so BOO it's so boringggg. The people hosting it, the people listening, other people who have done it. I loved it, it got me all excited to start working and I thought the hosts did a very good job of making it entertaining. I'm most excited about the courses the hospital offers. I want to get more certificates done. Just to say I have them I guess...like collecting badges ^.^ Also, the hospital has a gym which is only $8 or $6 a week which is brand new and 24/hrs with classes coming soon. I have another orientation day tomorrow =]

Finally sent in my newgrad application:
Now that I haven't failed and sent in my application for an internship next year things are locked in. I can't take the easy way out anymore =[ I need to pass and get my shit together =[ There's no going back.



AND NOW. What I was meant to write about...except it's an hour since I started writing and I'm not really bothered. May as well.

Le Snow

I went to the snow for 8 days with Tim, his (extended) family and a few of Tim's friends: Jamie, Uly + Katie. I kept my cool before leaving but somewhere, somewhat dormant inside of me was incredibly scared, nervous and anxious. I had a gut feeling I would be bad at snowboarding, not because it was my first time doing a snow sport but because I'm uncoordinated, fat and a clutz. I was worried it would put a strain on my relationship with Tim and his family. I was scared his family would decide I was unfit to be his girlfriend and I was worried I would ruin Tim's favorite and most anticipated time of the year. Needless to say I felt a lot of pressure but I didn't feel like dragging Tim down with me before we had even left, there was still a chance it would all be fine.

It was not fine.

Despite the trip being pretty pricey (compared to a million other places we could have gone for cheaper) and me being miserable 80% of the time, I don't feel like it was a waste of time. I haven't decided why yet...and it might just be me trying to look for the best in things (SOMETHING THAT NEVER TRULY HAPPENS WITH ME, I'm a pessimist at heart) but despite how I felt I don't regret anything.

When we were arranging the trip I decided to only pay for 3 days of snowboarding lessons (as opposed to the 5 days that the girls got). I had a feeling I wouldn't take to the sport and would rather chill out than pay an extra $400 to do something I can't accomplish. The option was still available to pay for more if by some miracle things worked out. Everyone was sort of annoyed at me for starting off with this outlook, expecting the worst but I really was just being realistic and in the end I wasn't wrong.

So the way the trip worked was we would get up at 5:30am every day, get our gear on, have breakfast, leave at 7am for the snow and arrive around 8am. Get more of our gear together and me Dianne and Katie would leave for our class at 9:30 and the boys would leave for other mountains with more challenging terrain. We would meet at 12 for lunch with everyone and then have free time to do whatever until 3 or 4pm. Drive back home, change, have dinner, shower and sleep. REPEAT.
Before leaving to the snow, this schedule sounded horrible to me because I know what it's like waking up that early and I tend to find it depressing. Doing it with about 15 other people makes it much more bearable and having a routine felt kind of good. Stable. It's why I was so disappointed that when I got back to Sydney I didn't go to bed until 4am and woke up at 2pm, ruining the perfect sleep cycle that had been created.

Lessons.

This was probably what killed me the most. The first day of class I was with Dianne (Tim's sis) and Katie plus about 10 other people, with 2 instructors. We set off to our little flat snow covered area to begin the lesson. I was already tired, being a clutz meant that I couldn't comfortable or confidently walk in snow...or while holding a snowboard. Being unfit meant that I was about 10 meters behind everyone at all times =.= I'm already stressing out here.

First lesson: Skating.
This is where you strap in your leading foot into the binding and use the other foot to push the board around like as if you are on a skate board. Seems simple right? Wrong =.= The instructor chose me to go first...yay. He told me to skate infront of everyone, he didn't really say anything other than use the other foot to push and don't let your back foot go past the back binding or you will end up doing the splits/falling. So...I pushed. I lost control and direction, headed for a frozen creek and crashed into a pole with a warning sign on it and knocked the pole over. The fall was awkward and I was kind of wrapped around this pole unable to get up, the teacher came running over to yell at me about needing to stop when I lost control. *sigh* I didn't know how to stop...I still don't, except to purposely fall over. So you know, everyone's laughing at me and I can tell from the look on the teachers face that he knows it's going to be a longggggg day for him.

I never managed to get the hang of this but at least by the time we moved on to the next thing I had gotten comfortable with the idea of falling over on purpose. Something that everyone always seems so comfortable with =S I could never do it...not in P.E when we were forced to tackle punching bags, not when we're asked to do that stupid trust exercise or when jumping off the block in swimming. I can't let go *twitch*

2. Heel edge.
This involved climbing up a little hill, strapping in both feet and going down the mountain straight down with the board parallel to the horizon (as opposed to the usual perpendicular stance that you expect when people use boards). It was pretty simple, all you had to do was keep ur knees bent and lift your heels every time you wanted to slide forward.
This was when my first major problem arose. I couldn't stand up =S The way it's done is you strap both feet onto your board and then push yourself up without your board sliding out from under you. I couldn't get up for the life of me, every time the board would run away from me so the teacher gave up and would just pull me up every time. Going down the mountain wasn't that great either lol...I would freak out and fall, I couldn't figure out the right pressure and would move too much or just stop so hard I would fall backwards.

3. Falling leaf.
This is a continuation of heel edge. Instead of just going straight down, you slide side to side, like a falling leaf. This involved rotating your body and putting more weight on the side you want to travel on. I could hardly manage simple heel edge let alone this.

4. Toe edge.
This scared the crap out of me. It's heel edge in reverse. You go down the mountain backwards so you can't see where you are going. At the very least I could stand up in this position because it involved rolling onto your stomach.

5. Toe edge falling leaf.
same dealio but backwards. Again, no go.

6. Using the lifts.
Next we learnt how to go up the mountain using on of the lifts, either the J bar or T bar. My first lesson we used the J bar. It's this odd wheel attached to a stick, connected to rope/wire on this huge pulley system thing that ran up the mountain. You stick the wheel inbetween your legs, hold onto the stick with one arm out infront of you and the jbar travels up the mountain carrying you with it. Obviously, this didn't go well either. We were about 2 hours into the lesson by this point and I was feeling horrible as it was. Everyone had picked up everything practically the first time they tried it and I was frustrated already BUT i wasn't about to give up. It was my first day and this is important to Tim so I had to keep going, plus the two next days were non-refundable and you're crazy if you think I was going to waste $400 by not showing up to class.

I attempted the Jbar with some success...sorta, I made it up almost halfway once! =[
I kept falling over which isn't pleasant when you have a contraption stuck inbetween your thighs that keeps pulling away from you. Plus the frazzled scuttle to the side was nerve racking. You had to move out of the pathway as quickly as possible so that the next person wouldn't run you over. This is where I fucked up yet again. I had fallen over and since I couldn't actually snowboard yet I would unstrap myself and walk down the mountain with the board. While I was taking off my board I lost my grip on it and it went sliding down without me...increasing with speed and narrowly missing people as they all screamed and ran out of its way. Luckily it didn't hit anyone but when I got to the bottom of the mountain my instructor gave me an ear full and warned me that I could get kicked off the mountain for that. *sigh*

I kept trying, I must have tried at least 10 times before I sat down and tried to collect myself. I had pretty much lost it at this point and was crying at my failure. Luckily goggles and all the other snow gear kept my face hidden ^.^ My instructor came over and had a talk to me, told me to go and get a coffee or something since the lesson was almost over but I kept going. Still no luck.
Once the lesson was over the instructor came over and was all, you did great...I laughed. Then he amended his statement and said I had done great by not giving up lol...and said most people would have given up after 5 mins the way I was going. Gee...thanks. I must admit though, I have never tried so hard in my life. I've been in so many situations in P.E where I just couldn't do something and did give up, even yelled at a teacher or two for continuing to make me do something I obviously wasn't going to get in that lesson.

By the end of that first lesson I was feeling horrible, reminded of all the terrible experiences of sport back in primary and high school. Feeling alone, like a failure, everyone judging me, or laughing, excluding me because they were angry that I was slowing them down and like I was a freak for being the only one not able to do it. I hadn't felt like that, and so strongly since maybe year 10. Thankfully for me, my school didn't enforce sport after year 10. I guess most recent times I've felt like that have been with Tim...lol. The time we went jogging and he made fun of me =[ and the time we went rock climbing and I couldn't do it.

After lunch tim and uly decided to take me and katie and keep practicing. Tim actually managed to get me to skate a little. I still felt like dying inside. All I could think of was that I was letting Tim down...I still kinda feel that way, I know it's not the end of the world for him but being stuck in a place for a week with him, where all you could do was snowboard made me feel like the second we got back to Sydney he was going to break up with me for being such a failure.

The next two days of classes didn't go much better. I still feel sorta proud of myself for even showing up. I couldn't talk to anyone about how I was feeling since the only person I had around was Tim and I know he doesn't understand this, he's never gone through anything like this and I didn't want to ruin his trip even more. The 2nd day I decided to re-take the first lesson while everyone else moved up to the 2nd class. This got me nowhere. Halfway through the lesson this instructor told me I was holding back the class and left me behind so I kept practicing on my own. The 3rd day, I redid the first lesson yet again since I still couldn't do a thing. This class was a little better, FINALLY there were some students who were as incompetent as me so I didn't feel as bad for not being able to get it. I even managed to stand up on my own FINALLY. I was so proud that I msged tim haha. Sadly after lunch when he was all excited for me to show him, I could no longer do it anymore. I wanted to kill myself. By this point Katie and Dianne had gotten good enough to start going to other mountains with the guys and I still couldn't stand up.

I had another little meltdown, this time with Tim around and he tried to make me feel better. Didn't work.

I felt so bad during this trip. I wanted to be happy and friendly with everyone but not being able to snowboard was realllllly affecting my mood and everyone could see I wasn't myself. I felt bad, I knew Tim's parents and family must have thought I was an ungrateful mean brat and I was even getting snappy with Tim's friends. I was even starting to get annoyed at their jokes. I didn't understand or find anything they said funny. Way too geeky for me to comprehend and it was just building on the fact that I already felt left out because I couldn't board or go anywhere with them.

The 4th day I actually had a really good time lol. The rest of the trip I spent sitting around the cafeteria or in the car listening to the Harry Potter audio books and playing iphone games. I was really enjoying myself and time was flying by. Except no one believed me, now they suddenly took concern and kept asking me if I was okay on my own =.= BAH I'm an only child AND an internet addict. I relish in spending time alone, especially since when we would get back to the house there was no privacy or silence anywhere.

Things went better from there on...until Friday. *sigh*
Tim showed up for lunch with no other than {insert name}. I feel bad bitching online but there's no real way around it in order to tell my story. She's this girl from Tim's uni, I don't like her because of stuff that's happened in the past. Most of my jealous rage does not have a leg to stand on (in this case) but that doesn't mean I let it go. I have my reasons and they're perfectly justified considering. I hate that this makes me sound like a crazy jealous gf but I'm not that bad comparatively. This is the ONE person I have issues with and her showing up SIX FUCKING HOURS AWAY FROM SYDNEY just randomly, pissed me off. Not just that, but she can ski like a pro, so off went Tim to another mountain with this chick to do the one thing I had wanted to be able to do with him so badly. Leaving me behind, alone, cold in a car listening to fucking Harry Potter. Like I said, I like spending time alone and this situation was perfectly comfortable until Tim left with her. *sigh*

Obviously, I was a bitch about it, totally passive aggressive about it for the rest of the day. Adding another pile of shit to the things I was stressing over. There was one day left on the slopes for Tim and I didn't want to ruin his last day, I know how much he loves it and he wont get to go back for a whole year. Plus I knew I couldn't be mad...he didn't do anything wrong lol. I was just frustrated by how much better she is in terms of what he looks for in a girl. BUT COME ON! SIX HOURS AWAY...=.=

The next day, I let it go, I tried to be nice so we could wrap this trip up and move on. It all ended fine and things are slowly returning back to normal but I've really been trying to find where I stand right now. I think I just need to give it more time to let the dust settle.

SO that was the snow folks. Miserable for me, but hey this is the most snow that has fallen for awhile and we were lucky to have experienced that. Too bad I don't give a fuck =D

anywho, pics and then I need to go to bed. I need to go to another orientation day tomorrow.








Also, I hate white. The lack of colour drained me, I was very glad to return to our colour-filled metropolis. If there had just been a tad more evergreen trees I would have been happier.



Seeing this on the way to lessons every morning made me want to die just that little bit more every morning XD

Anywho. I also still need to do a post about the poor fate of Warren's leg soon which is LONG overdue.

gnight!!
xx

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

1:34 PM

Just a quick random thought:

I was bored, going through my fb feed and reading some sappy comments from someone which reminded me of how sickeningly mushy the couple is around each other. SO DAMN AWKWARD. Anywho that couple reminded me of another couple, not as inseparable as the first BUT incredibly fun to fuck around with.

About a year ago? I think. Tim and I went out to go see a live filming of The X-Factor after being invited by one of Tim's friends. We didn't see it as a double date but I guess it sort of turned out that way since we were out with another couple. Tim and I have never really been all 'lets go on a date' ever, we don't go out many places where it is just the two of us and when we do we've never put such a strange construct over it.

The night was fairly enjoyable, we hadn't ever spent time with these two people together and we ended up going to some German Beer cafe thing. The entire night was nice but a little meh. The MOST fun of the night was when I realised that EVERY single time I touched tim, hugged him, held his hand or pecked him, the other couple would quickly do the same as if they were trying to compete. You have NO idea how much fun that was. The second I got Tim alone I told him and the game began. We keep testing my theory out to see if it was just a coincidence or if they really were mimicking our every couple-ey movement. It wasn't a coincidence ^.^ It was so fun trying to get them at really awkward moments or seeing how far they would go in public lol.

It made the night so much better and it really felt like a bonding experience between me and Tim haha. It was like we had our own conversation going in our minds while on the surface talking about supernatural or whatever it was we were talking about. Secrets are fun XD


It reminded me of an episode of Will and Grace =} Man, it's been ages since I watch that show.

byeeeeee
xx

PS: I will recap the snow later, I know I said I would blog every day but some turned out too emo so they've gone elsewhere.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

7:47 AM

I got to sleep in Tims bed last night ^.^ I love his bed, always so comfy although I was having internal thermostat problems. Anywho I wasn't planning on sleeping over, mainly because I didnt want to spend an extra day with him. We're already spending 7 days together during the trip and I'm slightly worried about getting sick of him and coming back broken up lol like me and Kurt after Singapore. Either way, I couldn't get around it, mum was working this morning and I didn't feel like taking my luggage on a bus. Not that I have a lot. Just a backpack and my mini suitcase.

I think I'm going to try posting everyday and saving it to the harddrive on my phone and then backlogging when I get home and my phone isn't on roaming. I tried posting last night but it turned into the Christmas poem hehe. Twas the night b4 snowboarding, when all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

I ended up converting the whole poem hehe but decided against it because it was pretty lame and some of it didn't rhyme or make sense. I did however enjoy this line:

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters and threw out my stash.


It made me laugh more than it should have, lol yes I know I'm lame.

Sooo b4 leaving I managed to download my 2 free ps3 games: lil big planet & ratchet n clank. I watched Tim play last night & they both look shit. Oh wells.

So im not yet nervous but its starting to kick in. My aunty n cousins yesterday were warning
Me not to snowboard ...or ski lol and for once leaving my mun left me with a sense of sadness. Mostly because Im going to a strange environment where I wont have access to my support crew lol. I already kind of feel like an outsider *sigh*

In the end it will all b fine, what's the worst that could happen?
-someone dies
-i break up with Tim
-his family ends up hating me
-i have an asthma attack in the Cold
- i break bones & leed surgery.

I can work around all those things, except dying but you know, it wont matter then =D

Anywho i should get dressed and Ask if they need help with anything =.=

I hate knowing my place.

Xx

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Saturday, July 2, 2011

1:26 AM

You know, I feel like I'm really becoming a hermit crab. I've been out every day this week to visit people or hang out with them but today I just gave up. I cancelled plans to just lie in bed all day playing iPhone games.

I found this on 9gag the other day and I since seeing it I feel like I agree so much more than I thought.





It's probably just a mood I'm in. I'm going to get bored eventually lol.

Anyway I don't know how much this applys to everyone but it always seems to get me thinking and feeling slightly paranoid or like I'm a bitch. Every once in awhile someone will notice something I do or say and comment on it when I think no one is listening/watching. That sounds SO emo but that's not how I mean it.

Sometimes I just say things...to make noise I suppose haha and I don't expect people to answer me or respond in anyway. OR the other time is when I show my reaction to something via my body language but don't actually say anything. It totally throws me off when someone notices because I didn't think anyone was watching me, makes me really paranoid. I'm too easy to read, I guess it's silly for me to want no one to be able to pick up any cues from me, because then I would be like the people that piss me off when I'm on public transport. You know those people who move through public spaces like a robot, expressionless and harsh? It bugs me even more when they're listening to music and they seem lifeless. Maybe they just listen to shit music but about 80% of the time when I'm listening to something it fills me with emotion. I NEED to tap my feet or move my hands to the beat, when I walk, every step I take is to the beat of that song. When I listen to podcasts I can't help but laugh out loud, I'm sure I must look crazy to strangers but I don't get how they can disconnect so much from their bodies.

Anyway back to my point. This whole little idea is coming from yesterday. I went to visit Warren with Tim at Nats place and everyone was kind of in their own world. AJ offered Tim a cigarette and Tim paused for a second to decide. Meanwhile, I was about 2 or 3 meters away, not involved in their exchange, just sitting down not talking to anyone. When she asked him I instantly death stared Tim as he decided what he was going to do and when he declined the offer, my facial expression relaxed and turned away somewhat smug that he made the 'right choice'. Obviously this all happened within seconds and I wasn't even conscious of my actions UNTIL warren laughed about me death staring Tim. Totally caught me off guard haha I wasn't even aware I did that until he pointed it out and I didn't realise he was watching lol.

I feel like I have to clarify the situation, this insignificant moment that no one gives a shit about. I think if I explain my thinking at the time it might help u understand why these mini-moments make me paranoid.

I'm not going to tell Tim he can't do something, I'm his gf not his mother but obviously I have an opinion about what is the correct course of action lol. This is really difficult for me because I know I get naggy with him and I don't want to be that person. I don't want him to end up pushing me away and rebelling just to piss me off because I will have created a parent-child relationship between us. In that moment I wasn't ever going to say anything. Even if he had chosen the cigg I just would have rolled my eyes and continued sitting in my chair staring at nothing. The only reason it makes me paranoid is because it's proof that I can't hide how I'm really feeling. There's not much difference between death staring him and actively saying DONT SMOKE YOU IDIOT. *sigh* either way Tim didn't notice, just Warren lol but still, I don't want to be his mother!! Ergh, its so hypocritical of me too haha because I smoke sometimes but lol, I care about him and I don't want him to destroy his pretty little body <3 ...lol

Other examples, the kind that make me feel like a total bitch. Sometimes in social situations with Tim's friends that I'm not very close to I won't really speak to them much. I'll say something to Tim and it's really only intend for him, it's not anything private but I guess I just think no one else is paying attention to me because they don't know me well . In a way it's me preventing my own humiliation. I don't want to say something directed at the entire group because that means I expect a reply from them all. What if I get nothing back because they're not listening/paying attention to me because they just aren't aware of me. It's really fucking awkward when that happens to other people and I've had to rescue too many after an awkward silence where a whole group just doesn't reply because theyre not interested or listening. I feel so bad for them and I feel like I have to jump in last second because the awkward pause has gone too long.

Hmm wierd, ive never thought about it this much b4. I guess it's pretty revealing about some of the social anxieties I feel that I wasn't even fully aware of. I'm always listening to what people are saying, but especially in bigger groups that I'm not familiar with, I will just wait for someone else to answer or say the next thing and will only step in if it's directed at me or someone is being ignored and I feel bad for them.

So it will always surprise me when I say something to Tim and someone else that's around will respond to me. I'm all like 'Ohh...he heard that =S I didn't think he was listening'. It's happened a lot with Jamie but a few other people too, lol I feel like some awkward puppy coming out of it's hiding spot. It gives me a bit more confidence to just say things with the other person in mind. It makes me feel good haha it's like, hey! You're not ignoring me like the rest of his friends XD

This is a bit of an odd post, lol I hope you now understand how some of my brain works =}

Xx


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Friday, July 1, 2011

1:26 AM

asna;sdj;alsd I'm only blogging this right now because I have about 20 tabs open of all the amazingly kool AWESOME things I want from this one site. I've been browsing through every single category for the last 3 hours.

SO MUCH WANT.

So instead of blasting facebooks news feed I decided to blog...and will link the site onto facebook once I'm done, and here. Just pics and links because this could take HOURS to blog if I wrote about why I think these products are mind blowingly AMAZING.


IV flower pot








LED Slippers



They only light up in darkness and when ur wearing them. NO BUTTONS. MAGIKKKS


Toothbrush Sanitiser



Don't care how it works, but it lights up pretty colours while it cleans ur brush XD


Floating MP3 player



For the pool or spa!


LED Shelves





If only I lived in an awesome house where these would look kool


Voice Activated Shopping List




ksadnlas WANT SO BADDLY. You say what things you need to buy and when ur done it prints it for u BUT categorized by area (fruit, meat, dairy) FUCKMEDEAD I would actually go with my mum willingly if I had this little device.


Hidden Bookcase Door



I didn't give a fuck but I figured Tim and like-minded people would be cumming in their panties just thinking about the possibilities.

Waterproof Pool Table




I dislike pool, I'm pretty sure it's because I'm bad at it but sometimes I wonder if I were good at if I would bother with it...anyway Warren and Dave seem to love it and I figured they would like this.


AquaClimb




I had to include this just for tim. Again, don't like rockclimbing...and again I can't do it, I see a pattern here.


Screw it just look at EVERYTHING in their
pool section. JIZZ. There are all these light/fountain fixtures and glitter balls! and motorized drink trays and motorized recliners. FUCK.


Inflatable Backyard Theatre




It's just a projection screen so you need ur own projector but it does come with waterproof speakers ^.^


Face Shade



Yeah yeah, I know sun tanning is bad...doesn't mean I don't do it anyway and I always look retarded covering up my face with a towel or tshirt. PERFECT solution. My cheeks burn too easily.

Viteo Shower



So you can shower after you get out of the pool and wash off the chlorine! What's even cooler: reverse shower!

Aqua Trampoline




For those of us with lakes in our backyards, a trampoline for le water!!

Two Person Umbrella




Docu Pen




AHHH i want it! My scanner doesn't work anymore lol..and that way I could scan magazine pages when there's a kool pic...coz u know, that happens all the time =S





DONE! Every single page of that website, every single product. It's now 2:46am lol...I've been doing this since 10:30pm. I LOVE THIS KIND OF SHIT.

I found nearly everything on this site practical except for a few this: underwater pogo stick...seriously wtf.

Also, rich people be crazy.
xx

Español.

To Do.

links.

Friends.

Archives.

Credits.