I was really unsure how I would go about blogging this because it's so personal and involves Tim who I always tried to stay clear of in my blog (the bad stuff at least). It's hard for me to write about because I don't want to say too much or too little but I feel like I have to write about it on this blog too because he was such an important part of my life for the last year and a half.
I guess I should just clarify for whoever has missed the news flash but Tim and I broke up yesterday (Wed 17th Nov 2010).
I thought I would mention that I also am writing this in the hope that he will somehow come across it ={ It's kind of pathetic I know but it's so difficult to move from being 100% open with him and suddenly he's cut me off and doesn't want me in his life at all. It's stupid for me to hope that he would still check my blog, I know he's not that stupid. He's pretty amazing at shutting off people and he's strong enough to sever all ties so I doubt he'll be lingering on here. He's smart that way I guess, deleting me off facebook, probably blocking me on msn, maybe even deleting my number ={ It's what you're meant to do when a relationship ends. I can't bring myself to delete him, having him in-contactable, being mean to him and pretending I hate him just to make it easier to deal with what happened. That's not my style and despite everything that has happened with us I still really care about him.
I think that maybe the hardest part about breaking up is feeling alone. Feeling like you don't have your life line anymore. It's so difficult to deal with this sort of pain because whenever I felt this way in the past I would come running to Tim and he would make it better. I can't do that anymore ={
It's odd how much this feels like when I lost Alex, obviously it's not the same but the same pattern is emerging. Feelings of disbelief, trying to process and come to terms with all the things I don't get to do anymore.
I no longer have someone who I'm constantly talking to. I was either with him, on the phone to him or on skype to him. My days ended and started with him. Now there is all this empty time.
I no longer have someone who I can be physically close to, that will hug me and a hold my hand and look out for me the way he did.
I no longer have someone to look after and worry about.
I really am going to miss him, my world revolved around him since we met and now it's just over. It's scary too because I have to start all over again. He was safe. He knew me, everything about me. We were at a place that was so comfortable and now I'm going to have to start from scratch and have to go through that horrible beginning phase of getting to know someone, learning who they are and how to enjoy them to the fullest. I put so much work into that relationship, more than I ever have before and now it's all gone down the drain. I don't regret it in the slightest but it was a shame.
There's so many things that I've been wishing for since yesterday. Wishing that things had actually worked out with us, that we had been a better match. That he could have opened up more and that I could have helped him work through some of his issues. That we could have been happier. That he hadn't screwed us over. That I could have been what he needed to change himself for the better rather than reverting to old patterns.
We both knew this was coming, hell we had spoken about it since the first few days we got together. After Halloween though, we both new it was only a matter of time. I guess we were both waiting for a trigger and he finally gave me enough to push me over the edge. I would say I'm about 90% sure he did it on purpose. Like someone pointed out we were in a bit of a stalemate. After some information he shared with me my trust issues increased and although I forgave him I kind of think he didn't want to be forgiven. Initially I wanted to call him a coward for just not talking to me and telling me he wanted to end it but then a glimmer of hope shone through. I KNOW he cared about me, so in his twisted and brilliant mind of his, I hope he was protecting me. Making me end it because he knew it would be easier on me this way. Like as if he was trying to get me to hate him enough so that it would be easier on me when we ended. I could never hate him, I can't even stay mad at him.
Forgiveness is difficult. I have mixed feelings about it. Generally in relationships when someone screws up and the other person forgives there are residual feelings that eat away at the relationship slowly until it combusts. The nice side of me wants to blame myself for not moving past what happened a few month ago but that's not true. I did forgive him and I did move on. The problems started every time he would screw up, each screw up would bring the past into question and make me think that he really hadn't changed. Even then after each incident I moved on really well but like I said, it came to a point where something new was happening every time I spoke to him. It became clear that he was purposefully sabotaging our relationship because no one is that STUPID.
I always question myself and my involvement. I can't pin the blame on him entirely...although I find it hard to figure out what it was that I was doing to make him act out. Either way I am a strong believer in the stupid cliche "it takes two to tango". I must have done something to him to act this way. Not been good enough, not supported him enough, maybe I didn't show him enough love? I don't know, there was obviously something missing for him. I still don't put a great deal of blame on myself though, it's clear to me that he had other issues playing into this as well. Issues he needs to resolve if he ever wants to have a successful relationship.
I wish he could see how great he is, how amazing he could be if he let go of all his insecurities and pain he's been holding onto for much too long.
I think the worst thing is that a few people asked me if I would forgive him and if this really was the end. I think it is the end, but only because he made it that way. My heart is open to him, if he wanted it, if he cared, if he was actually sorry for all the things that happened I would take him back. But he isn't and he doesn't care. So I guess I'll just have to move on.
On the positive side of things, this has really highlighted how kind people can be, how important friends are, how guilty I feel for having put them aside for so long because I had Tim fulfilling all my social and physical needs. Another thing that saddens me is that through this breakup I've even seen how amazing and caring and good some of Tim's friends are. They have been the ones who have made me feel the most at ease and it's sad because I never established a stronger connection with them while I was dating Tim. Now I won't see any of them anymore and a few great people have been lost to me.
I'd like to say thank you in particular to Warren and Uly whose kind words really meant so much to me. You guys really don't understand how important it was for me to hear what you had to say, your honesty and warmth is greatly appreciated. Not getting to know you better is probably the only thing I regret from my relationship with Tim. Thank you for everything ♥
I'm going to miss you Tim, so much. I only wish for good things to happen to you and I know you'll never come to me but if there's anything you ever need, you know where I'll be. Oh and congratulations! You managed to become my longest relationship and got me to love you, mission accomplished =]
PS: Don't hate me! I don't care if it's easier for you and keep our stories to yourself lol
It's going to be hard but NEVER FEAR! I have some pretty awesome friends and now I can go out all night without feeling guilty HAZZA. The partying starts TONIGHT. Hot Damn, Friday to Hellfire then on Saturday SFX hehe
Let the fun begin!
xx
