lol I labeled this post sexercise because I wanted to talk about how I went jogging with tim today BUT the point is I wanted to know if I had spelled it right so I typed it into google and there's an actual wiki entry on it haha
"Sexercises are exercises done during sex, sexual foreplay or exercises in preparation for sexual activity designed to tone, build, and strengthen muscles. Sexercises are often performed as part of a Sex Diet, a lifestyle which maximizes the health benefits of regular sex that does not involve a food-based regimen. While normally this is a partner-assisted exercise, masturbation might also be considered a form of sexercise, if done athletically with a mind for health and fitness......Sexercises range from Kegel exercise to aerobic and cardiovascular routines. Flexibility for performing contortion specifically for erotic or sexual positions may also be practised. Most often is the spreading of the legs during missionary, and arching of the back for doggy style."
lol
ANYWAY I really hate that I haven't been posting, it ends up in me doing recaps and blabbing on about nothing.
BUT I CAN'T HELP IT. I need to recap:
Wednesday: was kinda kool, I had uni and then met up with Tim in the city and found cheap asian food which was actually realllly good, then ran into Rowan and walked to a few comic book stores, gloria jeans with tim and then i got to see JMC!!!!
For those of you who don't know, JMC is where tim goes to class XD It's in Surry Hills and it was just kinda exciting getting to see where he studies. In general the place reminded me of the place that Alice in Wonderland falls into from the hole, you know the room with lots of doors. Well JMC just seems to have a lot of doors and long hallways with no windows. It kind of fucked with my perception. Things looked like they were shrinking =S I got to sit in on a class, even though it wasn't Tim's class haha it was really kool, everyone was just doing their own thing working on their animations. They also had sound studios and you could hear people playing ♥
Thursday: my day at LOUD! Tribe. Aoife wasn't there =[ but it was okay, we had some councilors from Fairfield come after we finished the meeting.
Friday: Tim came over and we waited for Stef and then headed off to pick up Uly and then drove to Parra. When we finallllly made it, we went to the Mars Hill Cafe to watch Adam's band play (The Needs) but sadly we only got to see their sound check because we had to leave b4 they played. DAMN LEGAL CURFEW ON RED P's
It was fun, got to see Sheryl and Rachel who I hadn't seen for a veryyyy long time. Sheryl's awesome fun, we should hang around her more often.
Saturday:
SO TODAY I went over to Tim's place and we started working out. sdjlasjdasdj I have mixed feelings about this. We, and by we I mean he decided to start working out and asked me to join. I think that it's a great idea, we spend so much time together we may as well make good use of it. The thing is my motivation is lacking at the moment, but I suppose that is what he's here for. I'm also not sure what my goal here is.
I know I need to lose weight but I don't think this is going to work for that. I think I need to change the way I eat, it has just been hard to fix that. I know I'm making excuses and I'd like to blame my mum for a lot of it but I guess it has to do with me being able to stand up to her and making my own choices. She's ...difficult. She expects me to cook but I'm lazy sometimes =[ What happens occasionally is she'll wake up and if there isn't food already made she gets angry at me and then goes and buys junk food. I don't even like how fast food tastes, it's just a hassle having to cook. Then when I do cook none of it is healthy.
At the moment I'm rotating on a diet of spaghetti bolognaise, chicken pesto with pasta, chicken curry with rice, Guiso with rice (cassarole with potatoes, peas, carrots and chuncks of beef), Minute steak with chips/wedges, tacos, oven baked steak with rice or a watery soup my mum occasionally makes with potatoe, rice, pumpkin and carrot.
I generally eat twice a day, once at around 2pm-ish (soon after I wake up) and then at night from 8-11pm
If I go to Tims place I'll usually eat a 3rd time so he'll give me some of whatever is there which is usually rice with some sort of meat. Loud! Tribe days I'll usually have a sausage (with a shit load of tomatoe sauce to drown out the taste) on bread. b4 uni if I have time I'll get a pork roll.
So I know there are a tonne of things wrong with that kind of diet. For one there are no fruits and minimal fresh vegetables. I make a salad like once every 2 weeks...that's terrible. Especially since I actually LOVE vegetables and I don't mind certain fruits. Another big issue obviously is the amount of times I eat a day and the time. I know I'm meant to have 3 main meals a day and two or 3 small snacks inbetween. I've also heard floating around that you're not meant to eat after 6pm =S That just won't work for me....Technically you're meant to eat something every 2 hours so if my last meal was at 6pm it would mean not eating for about 14 hours (i sleep at around 2am on average). You're meant to eat often because it keeps your blood sugar level more constant and means that you're body doesn't goes through massive differences in BSL's = bad due to over production of insulin which eventually fucks you up and with the way I'm going it's surprising I don't have diabetes type 2 already.
Apart from that there is also the problem of portions. I eat a lot, even though I'm not hungry, it's just there so I eat it. Need to fix that too. ARGH THERE'S SO MUCH.
Then there is the type of meals I'm having. Most of them are really heavy. Like the pastas or rice. So heavy that I feel sluggish and sleepy after I eat. =.=
Possibly the only thing i sorta do right is that I only drink water. I cut out soft drinks years ago and now they sorta put me off unless it's with alcohol. BUT this isn't perfect either. I've gotten better but I only drink about a bottle of water a day. BAD. Meant to be drinking 2 litres a day *sigh*
so much workkkkkk
so much planning. I really can't just wing it. I tried a few months ago doing a wholeee new menu and it was actually really good, completely new recipes we had never done b4....this did not go down well. Mum spazzed at me for trying to cut down her portions and yelled at me in the super market for asking her not to buy cookies. BLAH. It was difficult because she's not on board with trying to do this. It's hard coz she's the one buying the groceries and paying for everything. That new system never even had one day of completion because she didn't buy all the things we needed.
I hate that this is all on me =.=
Most of you are lucky that you had normal families that didn't over feed you like fuck when you were a child and were actually healthy. I remember in primary school for breakfast I would get a full plate of hot chips with fish fingers. Adult sized servings for all meals and was drinking like 2L of soft drink a day. I would get yelled at for not finishing my food and then even though my grandma would cook meals at home my mum would get me after she finished her afternoon shift and we would go buy maccas or hungry jacks. Fast food was at least 5 times a week.
I stopped getting food packed in my lunch in like yr 3-ish. After 3 years of a cheese and butter sandwhichs or ham, i was over it. My gran gave up because I would come home with the sandwhich still in my lunchbox so she stopped making them. Since I was lazy I never packed a lunch again, even in highschool..lol. I didn't usually eat food at school at all, especially during highschool.
Coupled with no excercies at all and here I am, still fat and unfit.
It's difficult. Being fat sucks, especially when you're growing up. It ties into pretty much ALL my issues in one way or another and the sad thing is being healthy is the LAST thing on my mind. I was lucky that I was never really teased but I was incredibly paranoid about it and there are really only like 2 memories that stick out. They weren't even that bad...it was just depressing.
(break: mum just came back from work...guess what she wanted =[ ...but I didn't get any....I hate that this is normal for me)
I feel like shit. I hate that being fat is such a big deal for me and even though it is, I've never done anything constructive about it ever. Over the last 3 years or so I've put everything on a back burner and tried not to focus on my weight and relax. Most of my high school years were spent doing crazy diets, starving myself, throwing up, taking pills or doing other equally stupid things. It got me no where...I mean, I did lose a lot of weight a various points but obviously always gained it back.
I hate that this is such a touchy topic for me =[ It really does affect so many aspects of my life that it's embarrassing to admit. It really gets in my head, to the point where there have been days where I just didn't leave the house because I felt so ugly and disgusting. School days, parties, hanging out with friends, or even just going with my mum to do the shopping. I haven't been that bad for awhile but there are days when I slip back into that. Like a lot of the time it still stops me from going clubbing...beach days are painful for me =[
It hurts me when I hear my friends complain about how fat they are when they're not even half my size, or when the entire WORLD makes fun of fat chicks. I'm one of those heffas, I'm sitting right next to you as you tell those jokes, it hurts.
kasjdajdlskdad
But I have to try...even though I find it more mentally strenuous than physically. Like today, while I was working out with Tim. I couldn't help but feel like shit, all that was running through my mind was how unfit I am and how gross I look and questioning why Tim is even with me. Even just seeing how unfit I am compared to Tim is difficult. I hate that I can't do certain things...like even just jogging all the way down his street =[ or even one single push up.
I hate not being able to wear what I want because it doesn't come in my size and feeling ridiculous even just wondering into shops to look at clothes. I hate not being able to sit on Tim's lap because I feel self conscious, I hate feeling scared and paranoid and uptight about Tim seeing my body, I hate that it makes me not feel good enough for so many things =[
I hate that no matter what anyone says or does I still feel the same. I know that the only thing that will change things will be me losing the weight. I also hate that once I lose the weight my body will never be perfect. I will always have the remains of stretch marks and probably saggy skin =[ I feel cheated by my own body.
ugh...
I know most people are like STOP WHINING AND GET OFF YOUR ASS AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Well...I am, halfheartedly but I am. Tim's going to help me keep exercising and put up with my pathetic attempts at working out. I'm going to try to figure out a way so that I can organise myself better so that I have time to eat more regularly and smaller portions.
I guess I need to figure out a few goals so that I can keep on track. To be honest when Tim suggested the exercise thing I was thinking more about getting fit and generally being able to keep up with him and not being as red in the face after I finish a dance performance. I guess my goal in life is to lose weight but I feel scared. I don't want to commit myself for the billionth time to losing weight and end up no where, feeling worse than b4 I started. Maybe..ugh fuck it. I'll start weighing myself again =[ and physically, I want to be able to jog a lap of Tim's street without stopping and get through the 6mins of cumbia without lowering my arms or stopping the ball & chain step.
I need a pen and paper for this...There's a few things I need to figure out.
Bleh =[
I didn't think I would actually talk about how I felt in this post...I feel kind of vulnerable sharing this sort of thing, but well...I guess it's nothing to be ashamed of. Being fat is lame, and this is how it makes me feel. At least I'm trying to do something about it.
xx
