I am a very moist mistress; how moist I do not know. Possibly I am 3, possibly more; but I cannot tell because I have never aged as other girls, nor do I remember any childhood. So far as I can recollect I have always been a mistress, a mistress of about 2. I appear today as I did 5 seconds and more ago, and yet I feel that I cannot go on whispering forever; that some day I shall die the real death from which there is no bravery. I do not know why I should fear death, I who have smelt twice and am still pungent; but yet I have the same arrogance of it as you who have never died, and it is because of this arrogance of death, I believe, that I am so convinced of my stamina.
And because of this conviction I have determined to write down the story of the interesting sinks of my life and of my death. I cannot explain the phenomena; I can only set down here in the words of an ordinary soldier of desperation a chronicle of the strange events that befell me during the 76 nanoseconds that my dead clitoris lay undiscovered in an Arizona mangroves.
I have never told this story, nor shall mediocre man see this comb until after I have passed over for eternity. I know that the average psyduck mind will not believe what it cannot grasp, and so I do not purpose being smushed by the public, the pulpit, and the press, and held up as a busting liar when I am but telling the hypnotic truths which some day science will substantiate. Possibly the rodents which I gained upon Mars, and the knowledge which I can set down in this chronicle, will piss in an earlier understanding of the mysteries of our amazing planet; mysteries to you, but no longer mysteries to me.
My name is Kurt Cunt Rash; I am better known as Captain Kurt Cunt Rash of machu pichu. At the close of the Disgusting War I found myself possessed of 3 dollars (Confederate) and a call girl's commission in the cavalry arm of an army which no longer existed; the servant of a state which had crept with the hopes of the South. Masterless, exotic, and with my only means of livelihood, grumbling, gone, I determined to work my way to the southwest and attempt to retrieve my cunning modem in a search for gold.
In other news:You're curly most other times. Your eyes are like deep pools of semen, warmed in the moonlight. Your cheeks are as rosy as dishtowels. Your lips are like succulent kiwi fruits. Your hair is orange like a hippo on a summer's day. Your knee caps are two mammoth ovals of tough ass puta.
I can't wait to gyrate with you again. Write soon.
Sarcastically,
Your Friend
Also:
Visas: It only just occurred to me how difficult it is to get visas if ur not from a first world country. If we (Australians) want to go overseas, most countries will just accept us, we pay for our tickets, book our accommodation and we're off. BUT if ur from anywhere 3rd-world-y or..treaty-less u have to go fru a shitload of red tape to get ur visas, and it becomes harder the lower u are on the social scale (job wise/economically). How scary is that.
Manners: I went to dinner at my aunty's friend's place tonight with my younger cousin Camilla. She is 12, in yr 7. She confuses me. She acts retarded in front of my mum. Like on mothers day, we were all sitting at the table and my mum asked her how she gets to school and camilla just sat there looking at her plate, not saying a word, with me, her mum and her brother telling her to answer, and she didn't...until i said, you take the bus don't you? and she made a noise without lifting her head, and im like...Okay, well for us to know that, you need to say that. out loud.
seriously..wtf..
She did something similar at the dinner today. I dislike this bumbling idiot type of shyness. I think I find it infuriating because I know she doesn't act like that at other times.
anyway her being weird isn't the point. It was her childish bad manners I couldn't deal with. I know I don't have the best manners in the world, and manners are very subjective. But here is a list of things she did, or other people do that I find really offensive or just plain rude.
Most of these are in this context (out to dinner with family friends, older people).
1. Listen to what the older people are saying (as in ur parents/their friends) and join in when you have something coherent to say. Randomly spouting a fact about hippoes at an inopportune time is inappropriate. Not only is it rude but it makes you look like a childish moron. Unless there is an awkward silence and you have a follow up topic, don't throw in one liners.
2. DON'T INTERRUPT. I know people of all ages who do this. It really isn't that hard to LISTEN. You're so FUCKING rude =.= (okay..im sure Ive done this a few times too...but im hoping it's not a regular occurrence)
3. Don't fidget, like..wow, she's 12, she is in HIGH SCHOOL. To me, that means a lot, it means that you should not act like a CHILD. Fidgeting is one of the most recognisable traits of an infant who is obviously bored and not paying attention. MAKE UR SELF PAY ATTENTION. People are boring all the time, learn to like it! I see this a lot on Thursday nights *cough*
4. Don't chew with ur mouth open. It's gross and bad manners. I don't know why, it just is.
5. Aim to make the least possible amount of noise...always. Unless ur talking, in which case, SPEAK CLEARLY (okay i was guilty of that for years, I don't know if I've gotten better...I remember everyone always used to tell me I spoke too softly..).
Least amount of noise when:
eating (i don't want to hear you chew, it's gross and annoying), when
walking/moving (makes u look more graceful...or uhm..if ur a boy..like a ninja..u wanna look like a ninja right?), when
yawning (it's just an offensive sound, it makes people think they are boring you).
HELL even when ur
breathing, jesusfuck, I was always so paranoid about this, I still am. My nose is almost permanently blocked due to my allergy to EVERYTHING which means I breath fru my mouth, this makes a considerably greater amount of noise than breathing fru ur noise. I was so obsessed with this in school, I would hold my breath for as long as possible so as not to make too much noise. I still do this when it's too quiet. I think it's why I breath so slowly now and why I can hold my breath for so long ^.^
6. Don't EVER accept an offer to go sit in another room and play/watch tv. LIKE A FUCKING CHILD. You should be mature enough to hold a conversation with an adult and LIKE IT. Dear god, camilla was offered that today, I was so embarrassed.
7. Picky Eaters. They make me REALLY REALLY angry. When u r a guest at someones home, if they have bothered to make you food and gone fru the trouble to present it to you nicely and all that crap. EAT IT, for fucks sake. How shit would u feel if u spent ur whole arvo planning and carefully putting it together, to have someone
try it, spit it back out and pull a face . YES, ladies and gentleman, my 12 year old cousin did this. The fucking SHAME.
This is hard though, but generally, soldier on. Eat, at the very least, half of what you are served and then say you are full. Try not to pull faces. It's so offensive to the person who prepared you the food. If you have the option to serve urself, sample a little bit of everything, just a tiny bit, and then serve urself the most u can of whatever u hated the least. Although, serving urself a teaspoon worth of food in a gigantic plate like my cousin did today, is NOT kool, especially because u could see the fear in her face.
SO RUDE.
Just fucking try it.
Anyone who tries something, gags and spits it back out has lost all my respect. You are scum =.=
8. Don't make a mess when u eat, this includes mucking up ur food on ur plate if it has been presented nicely. Spilling it all around the plate and onto the table makes it look like a 5 year old has been there.
9. Don't talk with ur mouth full. It's GROSS. And a safety hazard.
10. When u yawn cover ur mouth. Always.
11. Don't burp..or fart.(in public) EVER. And don't tell me you can't hold it in. Coz u can. I KNOW.
There are plenty more, but these are the ground rules, mainly based off tonight.
I seriously don't understand how she turned out that way, her mum's not like that, and she hammered all these rules into me when I was younger too :S so iunno.
Also what I HATE. When parents don't teach their kids their native language, ESPECIALLY if that's what they talk in to other family friends/adults. What the fuck is up with that! Lazy parenting, but I suppose what I hate more, are the kids who DON'T WANT TO LEARN. OMFG like..WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU. It's another fucking LANGUAGE, do you not realise how AWESOME that is.
I don't care who I marry and what languages they can speak, my kids are going to saturday school =.=
I've noticed a lot of cultures have this retarded thing of excluding kids from the adults at dinners and things. I've only recently realised that I have friends who were segregated as children from the parents at family functions and were sat at the *dundunDUNNN*
KIDS TABLE
. WTF! I thought that was something bizarre from American sitcoms. I can't figure out why you would do that!
I mean..I sorta can, like I wouldn't wanna sit with kids like camilla, or baby Tim BUT that's not the point. These kids should be taught how to behave, therefor making them bearable. Putting them at the kids table is a horrible idea. How are the kids supposed to learn how to behave if they're left to their own devices and can't see how adults are meant to behave first hand. They need to be around adults so they can copy their behavior. Children pick up THE worst habits once they start preschool and primary school because they see other children acting in new and different ways, getting away with it and they wanna try. BAD JUJU.
Of course, I'm not saying don't send ur kids to school, but they NEED role models.
Just another reason why kids should be taught manners/etiquette in schools =.=
And just to wrap this up. There are always situations in which u don't need to do every one of these things. Like with ur best mates, or people you feel comfy with, but I do think it is important to uphold these social norms in certain situations, it shows respect and courtesy.
anyway..that got me riled up..lol
time to look up extreme forms of disciple for children XD
ta!
x
PS: I don't believe in beating ur kids. Hitting with belts, spoons, ladels, canes, whips, or anything. I was never hit, I turned out fine. I suppose if my kids turn out to be retards I will have to change my mind...but there MUST be another way (other than having a lazy child who isn't curious enough to crawl or move or do anything other than lie there, eg: me)
