I am a very moist mistress; how moist I do not know. Possibly I am 3, possibly more; but I cannot tell because I have never aged as other girls, nor do I remember any childhood. So far as I can recollect I have always been a mistress, a mistress of about 2. I appear today as I did 5 seconds and more ago, and yet I feel that I cannot go on whispering forever; that some day I shall die the real death from which there is no bravery. I do not know why I should fear death, I who have smelt twice and am still pungent; but yet I have the same arrogance of it as you who have never died, and it is because of this arrogance of death, I believe, that I am so convinced of my stamina.
And because of this conviction I have determined to write down the story of the interesting sinks of my life and of my death. I cannot explain the phenomena; I can only set down here in the words of an ordinary soldier of desperation a chronicle of the strange events that befell me during the 76 nanoseconds that my dead clitoris lay undiscovered in an Arizona mangroves.
I have never told this story, nor shall mediocre man see this comb until after I have passed over for eternity. I know that the average psyduck mind will not believe what it cannot grasp, and so I do not purpose being smushed by the public, the pulpit, and the press, and held up as a busting liar when I am but telling the hypnotic truths which some day science will substantiate. Possibly the rodents which I gained upon Mars, and the knowledge which I can set down in this chronicle, will piss in an earlier understanding of the mysteries of our amazing planet; mysteries to you, but no longer mysteries to me.
My name is Kurt Cunt Rash; I am better known as Captain Kurt Cunt Rash of machu pichu. At the close of the Disgusting War I found myself possessed of 3 dollars (Confederate) and a call girl's commission in the cavalry arm of an army which no longer existed; the servant of a state which had crept with the hopes of the South. Masterless, exotic, and with my only means of livelihood, grumbling, gone, I determined to work my way to the southwest and attempt to retrieve my cunning modem in a search for gold.
So one day I was hanging out with Kurt and we realised that there are some pretty wacky sayings in the spanish language.
Each Spanish speaking country has their own sayings, metaphors and similies but these are a few that I have collected over the last year or so.
Every time I hear my mum or grandma say a new one I text Kurt XD It has become somewhat of a little tradition for me now =]
Saying: La negrita astuta vende fruta.
Direct Translation: The (Astute, cunning, sly, crafty, fraudulent) cute/little black girl sells fruit.
Meaning: This saying is said as a sort of warning that you are/someone else is a cocktease
Saying: No calientes el agua (si no vas a tomar té)
Direct Translation: Don't heat the water if you're not going to drink tea
Meaning: This is also a sort of warning to someone who is being a cocktease. Kind of like, don't flirt and lead someone on if you have no intention of hooking up with them. It is also a play on words because in Spanish (Chilean at least) the word calentar (to heat) is also used informally as a way to say 'make horny'. So 'estoy caliente' = I'm hot BUT it means I'm horny. If you wanted to say I'm hot (because of the weather) you would say 'tengo calor'
Tongue Twister: Tres tristes tigres trigo trillaron tranquilos tragaron
Translation: Three sad tigers, wheat they threshed (To separate the grain from the straw or husks by mechanical beating), calmly they swallowed.
Tongue Twister:Pedro Pablo Pérez Pereira pobre pintor portugués pinta paisajes por poca plata para pasar por París
Translation: Pedro Pablo Pérez Pereira poor Portugese painter paints landscapes for little money to pass through Paris.
Saying:Buscarle la quinta pata al gato
Direct Translation:To look for the 5th leg of the cat
Meaning: Looking for problems when there clearly aren't any in that situation, so you're over thinking it and overcomplicating yourself.
Saying: Para ser bella hay que ver estrellas
Direct Translation: To be beautiful you have to see stars
Meaning: I'm guessing this is a fairly old saying because my grandad said it to me once, I kind of fell in love with this little rhyme/mantra. It means that no pain is too great to endure in order to look your best, this particularly refers to women having to wear painful shoes (stilettos) because it makes their legs look hot, wearing tight clothing to show off curves, waxing, plucking, dying hair, and I suppose nowadays you could extend that into getting cosmetic surgery. Just to clarify, my grandad wasn't a dick, I remember the saying coming up because we were watching a show with really attractive women and I was in awe of them and he explained that constructed superficial beauty comes at a price =) Oh and if you don't get the imagery, it's based on seeing "stars" when you hit your head/get dizzy, like if you've ever seen the cartoon representation of stars around the head when they get hit.
*To be continued