Inspire me.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

11:59 AM

=[

I don't know how comfortable I am with posting this here...this is generally something I would post on my private blog but in a small attempt to open up...I'll write it here. I guess its no biggie...we all struggle with certain things...it shouldn't be so shameful.

geh..uhm, Im really upset right now. I feel like shit...I kinda just wanna hide under a rock..pretty much forever =[ Im really insecure and Im sure thats obvious to everyone but I have my good days and then my bad...but recently its just been bad. Ive felt really horrible and ugly and disgusting and just gross. Its been getting worse too coz I hate how I dress...this might sound ridiculous to anyone reading this, pretty self-inflicted right? But to a degree, its not =[ Apart from not being able to choose nice things..i think :S...I wouldn't really know. Is that its hard to find anything decent when nothing fits right and Im picky as hell. My options are limited and ugly as it is. Apart from this...I don't think Ive ever in my entire life bought any piece of clothing for myself (without someone approving it first)..Its always been my mum, the rare times I try and put some input into what I'm wearing I'm shot down and told i look hideous so..errr Ive given up trying. =[

As for this moment in particular... Im stressed out coz I don't know what to wear tonight. And I know for a lot of people that would be like...wtf take a chill pill. But its not that easy. I don't like the idea that people will either dismiss me altogether coz of what Im wearing or will form a negative opinion about me in their minds. Plus I just seem to be getting negative comments about my attire a lot latly and its just always in my mind now ={ like R telling me I dress like an old lady, or N saying I look like a catholic school girl or Tim just in general disapproving of what I wear. I KNOW MY CLOTHES IS SHIT...theres just nothing I can do about that at the moment =[

Knowing that tim hates what I wear especially gets to me..he's my boyfriend ={ I don't want him to be embarrassed to be seen with me...I want him to be proud..and I know this might sound mean on his part, but really he's not..he's just being honest and too many people are afraid to do that, and I really do dress like crap.

=[

So basically I just feel horrid. I really want to give tonight a miss...like I did yesterday. and yes, my main reason for not going was not knowing what to wear. Its retarded I know, these people know me already, they don't care what I wear...but i still feel self conscious.

This paranoia has really reached messed up levels in the past..i mean yesterday and today are fine examples. Year 12 formal, jessicas 18th (you have no idea how much this fucked me over) and random partys. But not liking how I look or how I dress makes me incredibly insecure...there was a whole month in 2008 that I felt so ugly and shit about myself I literally did not leave the house except for school...and there was some days I couldn't handle going to school either...

I know its retarded...its just, a big deal to me =[ every shopping trip ends in tears...and I try to hide it from my friends coz they all love shopping and have never really understood why i don't like it. Ive lied to everyone for years saying I find it incredibly boring. But that's not true...its just a constant and painful reminded of how much I hate the way I look.

beh..i suppose this is the part I try and calm myself down by saying NO ONE GIVES A FUCK and wont be looking twice anyway...the world doesn't revolve around me and I'm the only one who cares..people worth talking to shouldn't care what I look like..or how I dress....

=[

well...that's my story for today
xx
andy.

& Kitty goes MeOw.

Post a Comment

Español.

So one day I was hanging out with Kurt and we realised that there are some pretty wacky sayings in the spanish language. Each Spanish speaking country has their own sayings, metaphors and similies but these are a few that I have collected over the last year or so. Every time I hear my mum or grandma say a new one I text Kurt XD It has become somewhat of a little tradition for me now =]

Saying: La negrita astuta vende fruta.
Direct Translation: The (Astute, cunning, sly, crafty, fraudulent) cute/little black girl sells fruit.
Meaning: This saying is said as a sort of warning that you are/someone else is a cocktease

Saying: No calientes el agua (si no vas a tomar té)
Direct Translation: Don't heat the water if you're not going to drink tea
Meaning: This is also a sort of warning to someone who is being a cocktease. Kind of like, don't flirt and lead someone on if you have no intention of hooking up with them. It is also a play on words because in Spanish (Chilean at least) the word calentar (to heat) is also used informally as a way to say 'make horny'. So 'estoy caliente' = I'm hot BUT it means I'm horny. If you wanted to say I'm hot (because of the weather) you would say 'tengo calor'

Tongue Twister: Tres tristes tigres trigo trillaron tranquilos tragaron
Translation: Three sad tigers, wheat they threshed (To separate the grain from the straw or husks by mechanical beating), calmly they swallowed.

Tongue Twister:Pedro Pablo Pérez Pereira pobre pintor portugués pinta paisajes por poca plata para pasar por París
Translation: Pedro Pablo Pérez Pereira poor Portugese painter paints landscapes for little money to pass through Paris.

Saying:Buscarle la quinta pata al gato
Direct Translation:To look for the 5th leg of the cat
Meaning: Looking for problems when there clearly aren't any in that situation, so you're over thinking it and overcomplicating yourself.

Saying: Para ser bella hay que ver estrellas
Direct Translation: To be beautiful you have to see stars
Meaning: I'm guessing this is a fairly old saying because my grandad said it to me once, I kind of fell in love with this little rhyme/mantra. It means that no pain is too great to endure in order to look your best, this particularly refers to women having to wear painful shoes (stilettos) because it makes their legs look hot, wearing tight clothing to show off curves, waxing, plucking, dying hair, and I suppose nowadays you could extend that into getting cosmetic surgery. Just to clarify, my grandad wasn't a dick, I remember the saying coming up because we were watching a show with really attractive women and I was in awe of them and he explained that constructed superficial beauty comes at a price =) Oh and if you don't get the imagery, it's based on seeing "stars" when you hit your head/get dizzy, like if you've ever seen the cartoon representation of stars around the head when they get hit.

*To be continued